Henny Youngman Quotes
Henny Youngman Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Henny Youngman quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Henny Youngman. Share these quotations with your friends and family.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
By Henny Youngman
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me!'
By Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, 'You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.' Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, 'How is your love life since you have been running?' 'I don't know, I'm 140 mile
By Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.'
By Henny Youngman
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, 'Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away.' The next day, the man says, 'Did you do what I told you to?' 'Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!'
By Henny Youngman
A guy says, 'I'm so old that I forgot how old I am.' An old woman says, 'I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over.' The man does this. The woman says, 'You're seventy four.' The man says, 'How can you tell?' The woman says, 'You
By Henny Youngman
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC. The bride is concerned: 'What if the place is still bugged?' The groom says, 'I'll look for a bug'. He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug - 'AHA!' Under the rug was a
By Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, 'Can I park here?' 'No' says the cop. 'What about all these other cars?' 'They didn't ask!'
By Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
By Henny Youngman
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a l
By Henny Youngman
A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, 'Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!' and runs out the door. The
By Henny Youngman
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, 'Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.' The man says, 'Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.' 'I'm sorry, he's on vacation.' 'Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.' 'He's on a big case, not available for a wee
By Henny Youngman
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, 'How many ahead of me?' 'Five.' The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, 'How many ahead of me?' 'Four.' The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, 'How many ahead of me?' 'Six.' The man leaves, a
By Henny Youngman
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, 'You're crazy' The man says, 'I want a second opinion!' 'Okay, you're ugly too!'
By Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ri
By Henny Youngman
A person asked me, 'How do you prepare for the stage?' I told her, 'Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all y
By Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? 'I was ironing, and the phone rang!' 'What about the other ear?' 'Had to call the doctor!'
By Henny Youngman
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
By Henny Youngman
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? 'It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!'
By Henny Youngman
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
By Henny Youngman
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, 'How do you like it up here?' The priest says, 'If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?' 'Yes.' 'Rosary, get th
By Henny Youngman
A woman says to a man, 'I haven't seen you around here.' 'Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.' 'So you're single!'
By Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. 'Who is it?' 'Blind man!' The woman opens the door. 'Where do you want these blinds, lady?'
By Henny Youngman
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
By Henny Youngman
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, 'Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!' So the soldier com
By Henny Youngman
Another bum asked me, 'Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?' I told him, 'Coffee's a quarter!' The bum said, 'Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!'
By Henny Youngman