Bottom Quotes
Eddie: Oh, shut up. Every day, yakkety bloody yak, on and on and on! Day in, day out - slime in this ear, slime in that ear! Just stop talking!
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[Eddie looks in disgust at the tea Richie's made]
Eddie: What's this?
Richie: Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it.
Eddie: I bet they do! I bet they say "What the bloody hell's this?!"
Eddie: What's this?
Richie: Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it.
Eddie: I bet they do! I bet they say "What the bloody hell's this?!"
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Eddie: Richard, I'm warning you. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch.
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Richie: Do you know how many birds there are in the world?
Eddie: Yeah, about three billion.
Richie: Do you know how many of them I've slept with?
Eddie: Yep.
Richie: None.
Eddie: Yeah, I know.
Richie: I mean, statistically that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?
Eddie: Not for an ugly fat bastard like you it isn't.
Richie: I wonder what sort of great bird'd suit me?
Eddie: Blind one. Well, blind deaf masochist really.
Eddie: Yeah, about three billion.
Richie: Do you know how many of them I've slept with?
Eddie: Yep.
Richie: None.
Eddie: Yeah, I know.
Richie: I mean, statistically that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?
Eddie: Not for an ugly fat bastard like you it isn't.
Richie: I wonder what sort of great bird'd suit me?
Eddie: Blind one. Well, blind deaf masochist really.
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Eddie: "Dear Eddie, by the time you read this I will be dead. I know you'll be feeling terribly guilty but don't blame yourself, although it really is your fault. If I was alive I would forgive you, but I'm not, so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it. Richard." Poor blighter! All he needed was the love of a good woman. Well not even a good one, any old one would have done; slap a wig on a 'Speak your Weight' machine, he'd have been happy.
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Eddie: Well I can't go, everyone will think that I'm Sean Connery.
Richie: You don't look a bit like Sean Connery.
Eddie[as Michael Caine]: Hello, my name's James Bond. Not a lot of people know that.
Richie: I don't know, maybe death would be a blessed relief.
Eddie: [still as Michael Caine] Zulus, thousands of them. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes lads! [pause] They would have won if they'd kept their eyes closed. Not a lot of people know that.
Richie: You don't look a bit like Sean Connery.
Eddie[as Michael Caine]: Hello, my name's James Bond. Not a lot of people know that.
Richie: I don't know, maybe death would be a blessed relief.
Eddie: [still as Michael Caine] Zulus, thousands of them. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes lads! [pause] They would have won if they'd kept their eyes closed. Not a lot of people know that.
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Richie: Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years.
Eddie: Ah! What's that?
Richie: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!
Eddie: Ah! What's that?
Richie: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!
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Richie: Why don't we play Cluedo for my life?
Eddie: Because you always cheat! You always look at the mystery cards!
Richie: How do you know these things?
Eddie: I'm Death!
Richie: Sorry. [shouts] How do you know these things?
Eddie: No, I'm Death! I'm Death!
Eddie: Because you always cheat! You always look at the mystery cards!
Richie: How do you know these things?
Eddie: I'm Death!
Richie: Sorry. [shouts] How do you know these things?
Eddie: No, I'm Death! I'm Death!
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Richie: Come on, it's Sunday, it's a day of rest! Absolutely nothing to do for twenty-four hours.
Eddie: It's a bit like every other day then really, isn't it?
Eddie: It's a bit like every other day then really, isn't it?
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Richie: It's not very sexy, is it?
Eddie: No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
Richie: I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
Eddie: "Big Jugs"
Richie: [excited] "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
Eddie: Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
Richie: Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
Eddie: Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
Eddie: No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
Richie: I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
Eddie: "Big Jugs"
Richie: [excited] "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
Eddie: Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
Richie: Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
Eddie: Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
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Richie: I'm Church of England. What are you, Eddie?
Eddie: I don't know.
Richie: Well, what was your mother?
Eddie: A wrestler.
Eddie: I don't know.
Richie: Well, what was your mother?
Eddie: A wrestler.
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Eddie: Righty-ho young Sonny Jim old fella-me-lad matey-skip me old pal from the briny, let's fill up the picnic hamper!
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Eddie: Why're you putting mayonnaise on your face?
Richie: It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.
Eddie: (examining bottle) Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.
Richie: What? Oh no, blast! Oh God! Oh, argh-rrgh! Phuh! Well where's the sun tan lotion then?
Eddie: You squirted that into your cheese roll.
Richie: But I ate that!
Eddie: (grinning) Yeah, I know.
Richie: Well why didn't you tell me?
Eddie: Because I don't like you very much.
Richie: It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.
Eddie: (examining bottle) Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.
Richie: What? Oh no, blast! Oh God! Oh, argh-rrgh! Phuh! Well where's the sun tan lotion then?
Eddie: You squirted that into your cheese roll.
Richie: But I ate that!
Eddie: (grinning) Yeah, I know.
Richie: Well why didn't you tell me?
Eddie: Because I don't like you very much.
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Richie: I couldn't believe that nurse - all I said was "Hello, have you seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney dish!
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Spudgun: What did medieval people do before telly?
Hedgehog: Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
Eddie: No, before telly was invented.
Hedgehog: Oh, they had cock-fights.
Spudgun: No wonder they all got the plague.
Hedgehog: Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
Eddie: No, before telly was invented.
Hedgehog: Oh, they had cock-fights.
Spudgun: No wonder they all got the plague.
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Ritchie: "What was your name again?"
Spudgun: "Spudgun"
Ritchie: "Spudgun. Why do they call you Spudgun?"
Spudgun: "Give me a potato and I'll show you why"
Eddie: "No Ritchie, you don't want to see that"
Ritchie: "Well why do they call you hedgehog?"
Hedgehog: "Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why"
Spudgun: "Spudgun"
Ritchie: "Spudgun. Why do they call you Spudgun?"
Spudgun: "Give me a potato and I'll show you why"
Eddie: "No Ritchie, you don't want to see that"
Ritchie: "Well why do they call you hedgehog?"
Hedgehog: "Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why"
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Eddie: That's him, that's the one! BASTARD! I hate 'im!
Hedgehog: [looking around] Who?
Eddie: [pointing at the screen] No, that one there! The extra! He never says anything, he just drinks all day. Look at 'im! Look! He's going to buy another drink!
Hedgehog: Is that his own money?
Eddie: No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into The Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!". And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. [Shouting at the television] LUCKY BASTARD!
Hedgehog: [looking around] Who?
Eddie: [pointing at the screen] No, that one there! The extra! He never says anything, he just drinks all day. Look at 'im! Look! He's going to buy another drink!
Hedgehog: Is that his own money?
Eddie: No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into The Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!". And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. [Shouting at the television] LUCKY BASTARD!
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Richie: What was it Shakespeare used to say?
Eddie: Um... "Hello my dear, I'm a playwrite you know. Come on, give us a snog."
Richie: No, no...
Eddie: Uh, "Where's my quill! Bloody hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?"
Richie: No, really, what was it he used to say?
Eddie: "What do you mean, it's crap! There's eight bodies at the end and he gets to shag his Mum!"
Eddie: Um... "Hello my dear, I'm a playwrite you know. Come on, give us a snog."
Richie: No, no...
Eddie: Uh, "Where's my quill! Bloody hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?"
Richie: No, really, what was it he used to say?
Eddie: "What do you mean, it's crap! There's eight bodies at the end and he gets to shag his Mum!"
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Receptionist: Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting. Which one of you is Mr. Hitler?
Eddie: Oh, that'll be me.
Receptionist: Any relation?
Eddie: [puzzled] Well, I've got a mother.
Receptionist: No, no no no, I meant Adolf Hitler.
Eddie: Yes, that's her!
Eddie: Oh, that'll be me.
Receptionist: Any relation?
Eddie: [puzzled] Well, I've got a mother.
Receptionist: No, no no no, I meant Adolf Hitler.
Eddie: Yes, that's her!
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Lily: Right, well, ah, let's have a look at your forms then, shall we? All right. Oh, I see -- you want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with... and a wazzo pair of jugs?
Eddie: That's right.
Richie: But obviously we're flexible.
Eddie: Ah, but not about the jugs.
Richie: No, we have to be firm on the jugs.
Eddie: And the jugs have to be very firm.
Eddie: That's right.
Richie: But obviously we're flexible.
Eddie: Ah, but not about the jugs.
Richie: No, we have to be firm on the jugs.
Eddie: And the jugs have to be very firm.
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Lily: (pointing to the television) Can you see alright?
Eddie: (confused) No. That's why I wear glasses.
Eddie: (confused) No. That's why I wear glasses.
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Richie: This is just my London pomme-de-terre. My main castles are scattered all over the place, you know, 'cause I never know where I'm going to be... bloody fox hunts go on for ever these days, don't you find? Never know where you're going to end up. Start off in "Burke-shire", end up in, ah, eh eh, Twat-shire!
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[Doing a crossword]
Eddie: Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold".
Richie: Harold?
Eddie: Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog!
Richie: Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we!
Eddie: No, we didn't. That's why we had to eat his dog.
Eddie: Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold".
Richie: Harold?
Eddie: Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog!
Richie: Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we!
Eddie: No, we didn't. That's why we had to eat his dog.
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[How to pass the time without a TV]
Richie: What about "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"?
Eddie: We haven't got a donkey.
Richie: Well, "Pin the Tail on the Chicken"
Eddie: We haven't got a tail.
Richie: Oh. Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Chicken"?
Eddie: We haven't got a chicken.
Richie: (Annoyed) Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Fridge".
Eddie: Or a pin.
Richie: (Angrier) "Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge"!
Eddie: We haven't got a sausage!
Richie: (shouting) "Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge"!
Eddie: (Beat) It's not much of a game, is it?
Richie: What about "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"?
Eddie: We haven't got a donkey.
Richie: Well, "Pin the Tail on the Chicken"
Eddie: We haven't got a tail.
Richie: Oh. Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Chicken"?
Eddie: We haven't got a chicken.
Richie: (Annoyed) Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Fridge".
Eddie: Or a pin.
Richie: (Angrier) "Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge"!
Eddie: We haven't got a sausage!
Richie: (shouting) "Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge"!
Eddie: (Beat) It's not much of a game, is it?
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[Richie and Eddie have just played stick a piece of sellotape on the fridge. Eddie won]
Eddie: Who won?
Richie: Ha ha ha ha. Eddie, it matters not who won or lost, but how you play the game.
Eddie: Oh, you mean I won? Ha! Ha-ha. [wets his finger, draws a figure 1 in the air, waves his hands in the air]
Richie: Yes, I suppose so, yeah, I mean if it's so important to you, yes. Yes, you did win. I mean for Heaven's sake, Eddie, it's only a game! [walking away, to himself] Shit, shit, VD, VD, VD!
Eddie: Who won?
Richie: Ha ha ha ha. Eddie, it matters not who won or lost, but how you play the game.
Eddie: Oh, you mean I won? Ha! Ha-ha. [wets his finger, draws a figure 1 in the air, waves his hands in the air]
Richie: Yes, I suppose so, yeah, I mean if it's so important to you, yes. Yes, you did win. I mean for Heaven's sake, Eddie, it's only a game! [walking away, to himself] Shit, shit, VD, VD, VD!
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Richie: Molière! Molière! Oh, he could bash out a tune or two. [To a tune from The Four Seasons] Tum-tum tiddly-tum tum-tum-tum, tum – and the other twiddly bits. He was Scottish you know.
Eddie: Who, Vivaldi?
Richie: No Eddie, I'm talking about composers. Honestly, it's football, football, football with you, isn't it?
Eddie: Who, Vivaldi?
Richie: No Eddie, I'm talking about composers. Honestly, it's football, football, football with you, isn't it?
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[Eddie is trying to teach Richie how to play chess]
Richie: Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent vicar stands next to the queen. And the queen goes in every direction.
Eddie: That's right.
Richie: [looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns? And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!
Richie: Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent vicar stands next to the queen. And the queen goes in every direction.
Eddie: That's right.
Richie: [looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns? And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!
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Richie: Eddie, do you want to be skinned alive and buggered?
Eddie: (Pointing handgun at Richie) I'd like to see you try!
Eddie: (Pointing handgun at Richie) I'd like to see you try!
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