Bottom Quotes
Richie: I think there's someone in the drawing-room.
Eddie: The what-room?
Richie: The drawing-room.
Eddie: I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?
Richie: You're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?
Eddie: Oh, the lounge!
Richie: That's it! Yes, the laaunge! There's someone down in the laaunge!
Eddie: The what-room?
Richie: The drawing-room.
Eddie: I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?
Richie: You're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?
Eddie: Oh, the lounge!
Richie: That's it! Yes, the laaunge! There's someone down in the laaunge!
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Eddie: She left me on the doorstep, just me, the carry-cot, and this old revolver. Oh, and a little note that said, "Please look after my baby. I can't be bothered."
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War Veteran: Yeah, I was in Two Para.
Richie: What, you went twice?
War Veteran: What regiment was you in then?
Richie: Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?
War Veteran: No, what outfit was you in?
Richie: Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage!
Richie: What, you went twice?
War Veteran: What regiment was you in then?
Richie: Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?
War Veteran: No, what outfit was you in?
Richie: Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage!
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Eddie: So, ah, what did you do then?
War Veteran: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
Eddie: Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?
War Veteran: Quite the opposite, actually.
Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
War Veteran: No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.
Richie: Oooh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?
Eddie: I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.
War Veteran: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
Eddie: Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?
War Veteran: Quite the opposite, actually.
Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
War Veteran: No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.
Richie: Oooh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?
Eddie: I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.
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Eddie: Rightey dokey matey bloke flap old salty seadog amigo skip-jack jockstrap piano tuner, let's see you balls this one up!
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Eddie: Five hundred quid, on the nose, on Sad Ken if you please.
Bookie: Certainly. Would you like to pay tax?
Eddie: Well of course I wouldn't. What a ridiculous question!
Bookie: Certainly. Would you like to pay tax?
Eddie: Well of course I wouldn't. What a ridiculous question!
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Richie: You'll have to excuse Eddie, his mind's sort of blanked it out.
War Veteran: What, 'cos it's so horrible?
Richie: No, he's just got that sort of mind.
War Veteran: What, 'cos it's so horrible?
Richie: No, he's just got that sort of mind.
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Richie: Right, quick, into the lavs! (toilets)
Eddie: Richie, no! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make 500 quid that fast - you'll be lucky to get 10p a go!
Eddie: Richie, no! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make 500 quid that fast - you'll be lucky to get 10p a go!
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Richie: Have you ever read The Joy of Sex?
Barmaid: No, I don't read things like that.
Richie: Well that's okay, we can just look at the pictures!
Barmaid: No, I don't read things like that.
Richie: Well that's okay, we can just look at the pictures!
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Eddie: My Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say?
Richie: What?
Eddie: "AAAH! Bloody hell! Germans! Thousands of 'em! AAAAH!"
Richie: What?
Eddie: "AAAH! Bloody hell! Germans! Thousands of 'em! AAAAH!"
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Richie: Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely burnt."
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Richie: Now Eddie, crackers?
Eddie: Yes. But it's never stopped me so far!
Richie: No, I mean have you got the crackers?
Eddie: No, it's just the way my trousers hang.
Richie: Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes. I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.
Eddie: Well I've got one of those, but I'm not gonna stick it on the table! (Holy)
Eddie: Yes. But it's never stopped me so far!
Richie: No, I mean have you got the crackers?
Eddie: No, it's just the way my trousers hang.
Richie: Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes. I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.
Eddie: Well I've got one of those, but I'm not gonna stick it on the table! (Holy)
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Spudgun: Oh, what's that smell?
Eddie: That's lunch.
Spudgun: Oh thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident.
Eddie: That's lunch.
Spudgun: Oh thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident.
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Richie: Come on, let's just our tackle out, I mean, get our gear out, I mean, get our equipment out -- oh God, you can't say anything without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner!
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Eddie: Hang on...This is Wimbledon Common isnt it?
Richie: Yeah?
Eddie: I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble...
Richie: Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
Eddie: Oh, yes they do! I've seen them on the telly!
Richie: Yeah?
Eddie: I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble...
Richie: Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
Eddie: Oh, yes they do! I've seen them on the telly!
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Richie: I think there's something outside...
Eddie: Well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.
Richie: You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.
Eddie: Well, I've had half a bottle of scotch, whaddya expect?
Eddie: Well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.
Richie: You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.
Eddie: Well, I've had half a bottle of scotch, whaddya expect?
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Richie: Well yes, I can see your point.
Eddie: It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily.
Eddie: It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily.
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Richie: Splice my sausages!
Eddie: Cor Lummy!
Richie: Christmas Pudding!
Eddie: Blood and Stomach Pills!
Richie: ... hey Eddie!
Eddie: What?
Richie: We really know how to swear, don't we?
Eddie[Swearwords bleeped on TV]: You (fucking) well hit the (clit) right on the nail there, you (cunting) bastard.
Eddie: Cor Lummy!
Richie: Christmas Pudding!
Eddie: Blood and Stomach Pills!
Richie: ... hey Eddie!
Eddie: What?
Richie: We really know how to swear, don't we?
Eddie[Swearwords bleeped on TV]: You (fucking) well hit the (clit) right on the nail there, you (cunting) bastard.
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[Eddie opens the door, seeing three children dressed as devils]
Child 1: Trick or treat, mister!
Eddie: What do you want!
Child 2: Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard!
Eddie: I'm sorry. I don't speak child.
Child 1: Trick or treat, mister!
Eddie: What do you want!
Child 2: Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard!
Eddie: I'm sorry. I don't speak child.
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Eddie: Trick or Treat?
Spudgun: What does that mean?
Richie: It means you give us some cash. No sweets.
Spudgun: What does that mean?
Richie: It means you give us some cash. No sweets.
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Richie: Look. We don't have all night. We've got the whole street to do. Now I've got my tights on Eddie's wearing a bananna now just give us some cash.
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Richie: Eddie, where's the cattle prod?
Eddie: (holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!
Richie: Give it to me.
Eddie: I beg your pardon?
Richie: I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"
Eddie: Righto.
Eddie: (holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!
Richie: Give it to me.
Eddie: I beg your pardon?
Richie: I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"
Eddie: Righto.
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Richie: Hey, they must be ready! Want to try some?
Eddie: I would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife.
Richie: God blimey, look at Egon Ronay! I'm not scared, Watch this!
Eddie: I would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife.
Richie: God blimey, look at Egon Ronay! I'm not scared, Watch this!
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Richie: : I'm gonna get me some liposuction!
Eddie: : (who has confused liposuction with fellatio) Not from me you're not, mate!
Eddie: : (who has confused liposuction with fellatio) Not from me you're not, mate!
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Eddie: : Hey! Hang on! What's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudey snap of Desmond Lynham!
Richie: : Well come on, Eddie! Give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Dessie's hammer-head!
Richie: : Well come on, Eddie! Give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Dessie's hammer-head!
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Richie: : You've been drinking, haven't you.
Eddie: : How DARE you!! [He struggles to his feet] How...dare you accuse me of Drinkin-n-ninge! Me, your oldest pal and matey! 'Ol Schkip! Old bus fart, tram ticket, one for the road bagga-scratchies...[Leans on the telly, which crashes off it's stand onto the floor upside down]...whoops-a-daisy ...we'll keep a welcome in the...[leans on a side table, sending it crashing over]...parking Mister David childish Jensen. Me?! Drinkin-n-n-n-ninge? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!! [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]
Richie: : No, but you have though, haven't you?
Eddie: : Yeah.
Eddie: : How DARE you!! [He struggles to his feet] How...dare you accuse me of Drinkin-n-ninge! Me, your oldest pal and matey! 'Ol Schkip! Old bus fart, tram ticket, one for the road bagga-scratchies...[Leans on the telly, which crashes off it's stand onto the floor upside down]...whoops-a-daisy ...we'll keep a welcome in the...[leans on a side table, sending it crashing over]...parking Mister David childish Jensen. Me?! Drinkin-n-n-n-ninge? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!! [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]
Richie: : No, but you have though, haven't you?
Eddie: : Yeah.
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