Buffy the Vampire Slayer Quotes
Spike: [On getting Buffy to go where Adam wants her to] Right. The Initiative. But getting her there, that's what the bleeding discs are for, innit? I mean, the little witch gives her the info, and pop! All sends her back down the rabbit hole.
Adam: The witch?
Spike: Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.
Adam: Her friend.
Spike: Right.
Adam: One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.
Spike: Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.
Adam: So you failed.
Spike: Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-
Adam: Go.
Spike: Gone. [Walks to the door] So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?
Adam: The witch?
Spike: Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.
Adam: Her friend.
Spike: Right.
Adam: One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.
Spike: Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.
Adam: So you failed.
Spike: Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-
Adam: Go.
Spike: Gone. [Walks to the door] So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Buffy explains Adam's evil plan]
Xander: Does anyone else miss the Mayor? "I just wanna be a big snake"?
Xander: Does anyone else miss the Mayor? "I just wanna be a big snake"?
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Col. McNamara: We hit him with continuous taser blasts.
Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with duck and cover.
Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with duck and cover.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Giles: I do speak Sumerian, it's not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it, and you have to be within striking distance of the subject.
Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?
Xander: So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions!
Giles: As a matter of fact you are.
Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?
Xander: So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions!
Giles: As a matter of fact you are.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Government Consel: [about the Initiative] It was an experiment. The Initiative represented the Government's interests in not only controlling the otherworldly menace, but harnessing its power for our own military purposes. The considered opinion of this counsel is that this experiment has failed. Once the prototype took control of the complex, our soldiers suffered a 40% casualty rate. Only through the actions of the deserter and a group of civilian insurrectionists that our losses were not total. I trust the irony of that is not lost on any of us. Maggie Walsh's vision was brilliant, but ultimately unsupportable. The demons cannot be harnessed. The end result cannot be controlled. It is therefore our recommendation that this project be terminated and all records concerning it expunged. Our soldiers'll be debriefed. Standard confidentiality clause. We will monitor the civilians and usual measures prepared should they try to go public. I don't think they will. The Initiative itself will be filled in with concrete. Burn it down, gentlemen. Burn it down, and salt the Earth.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell, and...then I do a spell by myself.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Xander: I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after a-
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador also.
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador also.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[During Xander's dream, he and Principal Snyder parody "Apocalypse Now."]
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you from, Harris?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, the basement, mostly.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Were you born there?
Xander as Captain Willard: Possibly.
...
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there ... waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander as Captain Willard: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
...
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you heading?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, I'm supposed to meet Tara and Willow. [beat] And possibly Buffy's mom.
...
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Are you a soldier?
Xander as Captain Willard: [shakes head] I'm a comfortador.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: [contemptuous] You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.
Xander as Captain Willard: [nods] I'm getting a cramp.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you from, Harris?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, the basement, mostly.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Were you born there?
Xander as Captain Willard: Possibly.
...
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there ... waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander as Captain Willard: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
...
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you heading?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, I'm supposed to meet Tara and Willow. [beat] And possibly Buffy's mom.
...
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Are you a soldier?
Xander as Captain Willard: [shakes head] I'm a comfortador.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: [contemptuous] You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.
Xander as Captain Willard: [nods] I'm getting a cramp.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge. Men... with your sales.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Tara, speaking for The First Slayer: I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy: So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula. The guy. The Count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? Because... I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula: You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You've heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
Buffy: Naw. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned... killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I... paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
[She attempts to stake Dracula, but he repeatedly dissipates into mist to avoid her]
Buffy: Okay. That's cheating.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? Because... I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula: You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You've heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
Buffy: Naw. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned... killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I... paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
[She attempts to stake Dracula, but he repeatedly dissipates into mist to avoid her]
Buffy: Okay. That's cheating.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? [scoffs] Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.
Riley: You know him?
Spike: Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I'll tell you what - that glory hound's done more harm to vampires than any Slayer. His storygets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us, the mirror bit...!
Riley: But he's not just a regular vampire. He has special powers, right?
Spike: Nothing but showy Gypsy stuff. What's it to you, anyway?
Riley: He's in town, making his presence known.
Spike: [more intrigued] Drac's in Sunnydale? Guess the old boy needed closure after all.
Spike: Dracula? [scoffs] Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.
Riley: You know him?
Spike: Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I'll tell you what - that glory hound's done more harm to vampires than any Slayer. His storygets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us, the mirror bit...!
Riley: But he's not just a regular vampire. He has special powers, right?
Spike: Nothing but showy Gypsy stuff. What's it to you, anyway?
Riley: He's in town, making his presence known.
Spike: [more intrigued] Drac's in Sunnydale? Guess the old boy needed closure after all.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Dracula: I knew you'd come.
Buffy: Why? Because I'm under your thrall? [suddenly comes back to herself and pulls out her stake] Well, guess again, pal.
Dracula: Put the stake down.
Buffy: OK. [puts it down, then looks at her hand in surprise] Right. That... was not... you. [sounding unconvinced] I did that. I did that because ... I wanted to.
[Dracula watches her]
Buffy: [looks nervously around her] Maybe I should rethink that thrall thing. [whimpers a little]
Buffy: Why? Because I'm under your thrall? [suddenly comes back to herself and pulls out her stake] Well, guess again, pal.
Dracula: Put the stake down.
Buffy: OK. [puts it down, then looks at her hand in surprise] Right. That... was not... you. [sounding unconvinced] I did that. I did that because ... I wanted to.
[Dracula watches her]
Buffy: [looks nervously around her] Maybe I should rethink that thrall thing. [whimpers a little]
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Caleb: [to Faith] Well, you're the other one, aren't you. You're Cain to her Abel. No offense meant to Cain, of course.
Faith: I never was one for the good book.
Caleb: Oh, it has its moments.
Faith: I never was one for the good book.
Caleb: Oh, it has its moments.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Xander: Where is he?! Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[as the mist coalesces into Dracula, Buffy re-stakes him.]
Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
[Dracula turns to dust again, but the mist begins to reform on the ground]
Buffy: I'm standing right here!
[The mist dissipates completely this time]
Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
[Dracula turns to dust again, but the mist begins to reform on the ground]
Buffy: I'm standing right here!
[The mist dissipates completely this time]
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Dawn is writing in her diary.]
Dawn: [voice over] I-I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers! But I-I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even!
Dawn: [voice over] I-I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers! But I-I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even!
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy: So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school, a block of time every day just to focus on my new Slayer training.
Willow: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
Buffy: Oh no, do they make an ointment for that?
Willow: People gotta respect a solid work ethic.
...
Buffy: So... I won't be taking drama with you.
Willow: What? You have to, you promised!
Buffy: Well, I know, but Giles says that it just -
Willow: The hell with Giles!
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
Willow: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, you can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?
Buffy: What happened to you people gotta respect a work ethic?
Willow: Other people, not me! There's a whole best-friend loophole!
Willow: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
Buffy: Oh no, do they make an ointment for that?
Willow: People gotta respect a solid work ethic.
...
Buffy: So... I won't be taking drama with you.
Willow: What? You have to, you promised!
Buffy: Well, I know, but Giles says that it just -
Willow: The hell with Giles!
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
Willow: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, you can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?
Buffy: What happened to you people gotta respect a work ethic?
Willow: Other people, not me! There's a whole best-friend loophole!
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Xander and Anya are playing Life with Dawn.]
Anya: Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Anya: Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Buffy, having killed Harmony's vampire minions, grabs an ax to cut Dawn free from her chains.]
Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home! [swings ax]
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine! I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night! [swings ax] That you got Anya hurt! [swings ax] Invited a vampire in! [swings ax] Got kidnapped! ...
Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home! [swings ax]
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine! I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night! [swings ax] That you got Anya hurt! [swings ax] Invited a vampire in! [swings ax] Got kidnapped! ...
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Giles and Buffy tour the magic shop Giles is about to buy]
Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus, increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
[Buffy breaks out laughing as she follows Giles into a back room]
Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus, increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
[Buffy breaks out laughing as she follows Giles into a back room]
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Xander is leaving a message on the phone.]
Xander: Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
[cut to Anya, who is doing just that.]
Anya: Am not.
Xander: Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
[cut to Anya, who is doing just that.]
Anya: Am not.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Willow: You have to help me figure this out, you know.
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true, sometimes we all help to save you... And-and sometimes you're not in trouble.
...
Xander: Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true, sometimes we all help to save you... And-and sometimes you're not in trouble.
...
Xander: Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z — from 'axe' to... 'zee other axe'.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Anya: Well maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Cool Xander: She's joking.
Loser Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and... and it would be very confusing.
Giles: We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
...
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
Both Xanders: [simultaneously] Kill us both, Spock! [both laugh]
Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
Cool Xander: She's joking.
Loser Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and... and it would be very confusing.
Giles: We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
...
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
Both Xanders: [simultaneously] Kill us both, Spock! [both laugh]
Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Xander is moving out of the basement.]
Xander: I just thought you could help carry a little.
Anya: Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?
Xander: Anya. Please.
Anya: Fine. I'm just your slave.
Xander: I just thought you could help carry a little.
Anya: Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?
Xander: Anya. Please.
Anya: Fine. I'm just your slave.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do!
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do!
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice... and drink deep. [turns around and falls into an open grave] Ow!
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy: I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there! That nasty little face, that bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.
Harmony: Well, aren't we unholy by definition?
Spike: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout o' torture! [Spike throws a lapid and break it]
Harmony: Spike?!
Harmony: Well, aren't we unholy by definition?
Spike: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout o' torture! [Spike throws a lapid and break it]
Harmony: Spike?!
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer