Chef! Quotes
Gareth: It's from my father, he's coming to visit.
Everton: How is he?
Gareth: As gittish as ever. I loath him more than Gary Rhodes's hair cut.
Everton: Your not still vexed with him are you?
Gareth: Vexed? Everton when I was ten years old my father went out for a newspaper, he never came back.
Everton: How is he?
Gareth: As gittish as ever. I loath him more than Gary Rhodes's hair cut.
Everton: Your not still vexed with him are you?
Gareth: Vexed? Everton when I was ten years old my father went out for a newspaper, he never came back.
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Gareth Blackstock: Let me explain the order of things to you. There's the aristocracy, the upper class, the middle class, working class, dumb animals, waiters, creeping things, head lice, people who eat packet soup, then you.
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Gareth Blackstock: See, in life, Piers, different people want different things. Some want large fortunes, some want carnal knowledge of vast number of the opposite, or indeed their own sex, and some want to write down the numbers of all the British rail diesel locomotives currently in service. Chacun à son goût. Me, my single aim in life is to send the finest, best presented food through that door there. That’s it! And if it’s at the cost of a few human lives, well, that’s fine by me.
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Gareth: He'll probably put his big fatherly arms round me and say comforting words like (Jamaican accent) Heh heh heh, boy I tell you that girl was too hoity tioty for you. Well now she hoity toity all the way out the front door ain't it? Heh heh heh!
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Restaurant Manager: Gareth, please…be reasonable!
Gareth Blackstock: Reasonable?! What are you talking about, reasonable? Since when am I reasonable? Do reasonable people produce eighty covers twice a day of the finest gastronomic experiences in England?! Do reasonable people get two Michelin stars? Do you think it’s reasonable to spend your life walking around dressed like this?! Reasonable?! I’m a raving bloody lunatic! If I wasn’t cooking I’d be out doing serial killing! You look at me, you see a personality problem under a silly white hat. Don’t talk to me about reasonable, I don’t do reasonable!!
Gareth Blackstock: Reasonable?! What are you talking about, reasonable? Since when am I reasonable? Do reasonable people produce eighty covers twice a day of the finest gastronomic experiences in England?! Do reasonable people get two Michelin stars? Do you think it’s reasonable to spend your life walking around dressed like this?! Reasonable?! I’m a raving bloody lunatic! If I wasn’t cooking I’d be out doing serial killing! You look at me, you see a personality problem under a silly white hat. Don’t talk to me about reasonable, I don’t do reasonable!!
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Gareth Blackstock: I get the feeling that we’re in the general area of the topic of discussion now. Could we now get to the point? I mean, what has brought to you all this way that might interest your old school-extremely-slight-never-liked-you-anyway, probably-flush-your-head-down-the-toilet-as-soon-as-look-at-you-acquintance?
Everton Stonehead: Well, I’ve decided that I wanna work in a decent kitchen.
Everton Stonehead: Well, I’ve decided that I wanna work in a decent kitchen.
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Gareth Blackstock: You are no doubt waiting for me to say to you 'It pains me to say this' or 'It gives me no pleasure' YOU WILL WAIT IN VAIN! I am Gareth Blackstock I am seriously unpleasant. I am a bastard what am I?
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Gareth Blackstock: Ahh so you have a drreeeaamm Everton how unspeakably delightful for you.
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Gareth Blackstock: Well I guess this is Crispin's Day. All we have is remaining stocks and what I'll buy today. We've lost two porters and a commis so the people in the room are IT. Piers and Everton whose duties once included keeping the kitchen clean will now concentrate solely on the preparation of food so no change there then. The morons will survive on tips alone, little babies. And it occurred to me that since you're all working for nothing you might think I'd be inclined to treat you all with greater caring, patience and understanding but then I realised that even in THIS kitchen no one could be THAT stupid,
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Gareth: Nothing else you wanted was there?
Customer: What?
Gareth: A splash of Lea & Perrins? A dollop of Daddies to stir into the artichoke and hollandaise coulis? It really is no trouble, we could send someone into town. I can get you any thing you like to enhance the flavour of your food. Salad Cream, Newman's Own, Branston Pickle. You only have to ask. A little Tobasco perhaps or barbeque sauce, a spoonful of sandwich spread maybe. A nice packet of cheese and onion flavour crisps to sprinkle over your monkfish and salmon gratin. We could even get you a prawn vindaloo or family sized pack of chicken drumsticks or menu B for two persons with special fried rice and extra sweet and sour pork balls if you like, I mean we don't mind going to a bit of trouble to please the customers here really. SALT!!! I'm going back to my kitchen now although GOD KNOWS WHY! I MEAN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF NUMBER OF HIGHLY SKILLED MAN HOURS OVER A THREE DAY PERIOD HAVE GONE INTO PRODUCING THIS DISH THAT ARRIVES AT YOUR TABLE AT THE ZENITH OF ITS POWERS? ITS TASTE, FLAVOURS, TEXTURE AND TEMPERATURE AT THE PEAK OF PERFECTION AND WITHOUT TASTING IT YOU CALL FOR SALT?
Lola: Your salt sir.
Gareth: I hate you with a passion you can only dream of. Bon apetit.
Customer: What?
Gareth: A splash of Lea & Perrins? A dollop of Daddies to stir into the artichoke and hollandaise coulis? It really is no trouble, we could send someone into town. I can get you any thing you like to enhance the flavour of your food. Salad Cream, Newman's Own, Branston Pickle. You only have to ask. A little Tobasco perhaps or barbeque sauce, a spoonful of sandwich spread maybe. A nice packet of cheese and onion flavour crisps to sprinkle over your monkfish and salmon gratin. We could even get you a prawn vindaloo or family sized pack of chicken drumsticks or menu B for two persons with special fried rice and extra sweet and sour pork balls if you like, I mean we don't mind going to a bit of trouble to please the customers here really. SALT!!! I'm going back to my kitchen now although GOD KNOWS WHY! I MEAN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF NUMBER OF HIGHLY SKILLED MAN HOURS OVER A THREE DAY PERIOD HAVE GONE INTO PRODUCING THIS DISH THAT ARRIVES AT YOUR TABLE AT THE ZENITH OF ITS POWERS? ITS TASTE, FLAVOURS, TEXTURE AND TEMPERATURE AT THE PEAK OF PERFECTION AND WITHOUT TASTING IT YOU CALL FOR SALT?
Lola: Your salt sir.
Gareth: I hate you with a passion you can only dream of. Bon apetit.
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Gareth Blackstock: Everton. This is a restaurant in which we serve the finest food that can be prepared by man. If you can think of anything more appalling to find on your plate than a used Elast-o-plast, then I don't want to know what it is. Search the pies, and when you are finished, take your sharpest knife, point it at your chest, and hurl yourself violently forward.
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Gareth: Is there no one else interested? Oh Mrs Rather Nasty Smell, Mrs Fortis-Perkins jolly good. Nice lady I liked her. SNOTTY COW, what's wrong with it?
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Gareth: Strange to relate, no.
Reporter: Oh come on. You buy things in bags and boil them up. My friend told me.
Gareth: No, actually we don't. You see this is what we call a kitchen, we are CHEF'S we prepare the food from SCRATCH!
Reporter: Oh come on. You buy things in bags and boil them up. My friend told me.
Gareth: No, actually we don't. You see this is what we call a kitchen, we are CHEF'S we prepare the food from SCRATCH!
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Gareth: Please don't print that picture. I was being wordlessly sarcastic. Marcel Marceau would have been proud.
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Gareth Blackstock: I'm very glad you made this Piers. It's reminded me why we never have Vegetable Terrine on the menu. It does indeed look like a Tuscan Summer, it tastes like a Neopolitan compost heap.
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Gareth Blackstock: Vegetables for a mullet?
Otto: Nearly done Chef.
Gareth Blackstock: : Nearly? Now is when they are needed. The fish is peaking, there is no nearly you must peak together. Has your wife never mentioned this to you?
Otto: Almost there Chef.
Gareth Blackstock: BIN!!! What is to most important element of cooking?
Everton: Ingredients.
Gareth Blackstock: TIMING! Ingredients was the most important element this morning.
Otto: Nearly done Chef.
Gareth Blackstock: : Nearly? Now is when they are needed. The fish is peaking, there is no nearly you must peak together. Has your wife never mentioned this to you?
Otto: Almost there Chef.
Gareth Blackstock: BIN!!! What is to most important element of cooking?
Everton: Ingredients.
Gareth Blackstock: TIMING! Ingredients was the most important element this morning.
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Gareth Blackstock: You're pea brained, prat faced, pillock headed cretin, what are you?
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Gareth Blackstock: If you took an intensive course of intelligence injections and studied till you drop then one day you might make it to moron third class failed. GIVE ME STRENGTH!
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Gareth Blackstock: I WANT TO BATTER YOU TO DEATH WITH A HARD AND JAGGED KITCHEN IMPLEMENT. I'M ONLY RESTRAINED BY THE LUDICROUS LIBERAL PINKO LAWS THAT THEY'VE GOT IN THIS COUNTRY!
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Gareth Blackstock: In a sanely ordered and civilised society anyone found making RUNNY mayonnaise would be tortured to death SLOWLY IN FRONT OF A WARM APPLAUDING AUDIENCE!!! Egg yolk, mustard, rescue it DROP BY DROP!!!
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Gareth Blackstock: Piers can cook in his sleep you know it's amazing. How do I know? Cos i've never seen him do it AWAKE!!!
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Gareth Blackstock: Do you know I was thinking the other day about how kitchens used to be in olden times. Little things we used to do back that we've all but forgotten about since, like for example how we used to CLEAN THEM from time to time Piers. You see this is my explanation for why the surfaces in this kitchen are so low, it's the foot or two of CRAP we've accumulated under foot making us seem that much taller. PIERS dear heart, you've found a brush how wonderful, haven't seen one of those since I was a small boy where did you get it the Science Museum? Go carefully Piers there my be a Roman Mosaic hidden underneath.
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