Clark and Michael Quotes
Michael: So here's what I'm thinking, OK? We uh, we'll write it out, we'll write this out, and then we got to take it around to all the big networks, you know, all the major spots. And we'll take it there and then we just drop it off and walk away. And we don't tell them-they'll be like "Who wrote it," they'll say. Leave the element of mystery.
Clark: OK, but, but how will they contact us? [beat] Mike, I got it. We write a hand-written note, like a really nice, like a Christmas gift thank you. And we put that in the back page of all these scripts with our phone numbers on them, and then after they read them, they're like, well these guys are f*cking princes, you know? And then - [makes fish hook motion] hook. Flawless.
Michael: I love that - just when you nail it?
Clark: You know what I'm loving is this rubbing alcohol we got. I mean, you can use this a**hole to elbow, and just like...
Michael: Like, what do you want me to say? What am I-what am I gonna say to a guy like you?
Clark: OK, but, but how will they contact us? [beat] Mike, I got it. We write a hand-written note, like a really nice, like a Christmas gift thank you. And we put that in the back page of all these scripts with our phone numbers on them, and then after they read them, they're like, well these guys are f*cking princes, you know? And then - [makes fish hook motion] hook. Flawless.
Michael: I love that - just when you nail it?
Clark: You know what I'm loving is this rubbing alcohol we got. I mean, you can use this a**hole to elbow, and just like...
Michael: Like, what do you want me to say? What am I-what am I gonna say to a guy like you?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: Hello, ma'am. Um, we're here to speak to Mr. Ted Turner, please, ma'am, we're coming up to see him.
Voice over intercom: Uh...you need an appointment to see Mr. Turner. Also, he has no affiliation with this network.
Michael: OK, alright, Chuck Yeager, slow it down one sec, um, we have a script that, he's gonna, Ted Turner's going to want to give some money to.
Clark: Sweetheart, you're breaking my balls here. I'm gonna-is there any kind of courier system we can use?
Voice over intercom: Uh...you need an appointment to see Mr. Turner. Also, he has no affiliation with this network.
Michael: OK, alright, Chuck Yeager, slow it down one sec, um, we have a script that, he's gonna, Ted Turner's going to want to give some money to.
Clark: Sweetheart, you're breaking my balls here. I'm gonna-is there any kind of courier system we can use?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Hey...she did not deserve you, and I never liked her. And Mike - her ass was shaped bizarre. It was like two globes of two different planets colliding. I'm just saying. You had to be sick of putting your d*ck in that leather vacuum anyway. Like a hairy elevator.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Um, it's been about a week since we heard anything from Tony Mesner or, uh, anybody over at ATC Family. But we figure they gotta be really close to getting the deal together over there.
Michael: The usual protocol on, on something like this, is the wait. Uh, the wait, a little bit. And then just messenger the contracts over, and sign them, and jet 'em back over to them, and...so we're just waiting on that.
Clark: Which honestly, it's been fine, since I had so much stuff backed up on the DVR that we needed to watch. I mean, it's just been maid service. Just cleanin' house.
Michael: The usual protocol on, on something like this, is the wait. Uh, the wait, a little bit. And then just messenger the contracts over, and sign them, and jet 'em back over to them, and...so we're just waiting on that.
Clark: Which honestly, it's been fine, since I had so much stuff backed up on the DVR that we needed to watch. I mean, it's just been maid service. Just cleanin' house.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: What do you want, Randy?
Randy: Hey, uh, just checking in on you two. You've been home a lot. And uh, you know, pizza guy, I heard pizza guy, because I can hear it...
Clark: That just comes across as weird, Randy.
Randy: I'm really concerned about, um, yesterday around 1, I saw a man that I've never seen before come in.
Clark: It was probably the new paper guy. Probably the new paper guy, Randy. We got a new paper guy.
Michael: We subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, detective.
Randy: Hey, uh, just checking in on you two. You've been home a lot. And uh, you know, pizza guy, I heard pizza guy, because I can hear it...
Clark: That just comes across as weird, Randy.
Randy: I'm really concerned about, um, yesterday around 1, I saw a man that I've never seen before come in.
Clark: It was probably the new paper guy. Probably the new paper guy, Randy. We got a new paper guy.
Michael: We subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, detective.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Randy: Hey. Um, pasta party. My place. I got the pasta - like 15 kinds. And um, you guys bring the sauce.
Michael: OK, we're not going to go to that.
Randy: Uh, I got puttanesca, and I've been-
Clark: It's not about variety.
Michael: Not tonight, Randy.
Clark: Never tonight.
Michael: OK, we're not going to go to that.
Randy: Uh, I got puttanesca, and I've been-
Clark: It's not about variety.
Michael: Not tonight, Randy.
Clark: Never tonight.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: Man, ATC Family rested their b*lls on our chins and brushed our teeth with their d*cks. I mean, OK - maybe it's me, but I have a feeling that there's this whole undiscovered, untapped market of shows that aren't about forensic scientists, or police officers, or school teachers, or some sh*t.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: It's just - it's just blatant disrespect, and it's tacky, and I guess I'm not used to it because I was raised like a gentleman. Like a classy gentleman. And that's over with, that era.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: I just finally took the time to respect my body, and, you know, my body is my tomb, and I feel like we should - I've never felt better about myself and my body.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: You just look really good to me.
Clark: You know, I feel really good. Between the working out, the weekly colonics, I mean - Christopher's biopsy good news.
Michael: Oh, Chris is fine! Yeah, I talked to my aunt. She said he's crying, like twice a day, tops, now these days.
Clark: You know, I feel really good. Between the working out, the weekly colonics, I mean - Christopher's biopsy good news.
Michael: Oh, Chris is fine! Yeah, I talked to my aunt. She said he's crying, like twice a day, tops, now these days.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: You know what, I think I'm going to send the script over Jeremy. He is heavy into movies.
Michael: Oh, that guy that bought the special edition Matrix box set?
Clark: Yeah, yeah, he is heavy into The Matrix.
Michael: That's like a hundred bucks.
Michael: Oh, that guy that bought the special edition Matrix box set?
Clark: Yeah, yeah, he is heavy into The Matrix.
Michael: That's like a hundred bucks.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Hey, what do you think of this? [Clark is smoking]
Michael: I don't like it.
Clark: Does it look cool?
Michael: Yeah, it looks cool.
Clark: All I needed.
Michael: Well, OK, what would be thing that I would have to say to get you to stop doing it?
Clark: Mike, if we go into, like, a network, and they see me, that I have to step outside for a smoke break, they're going to think "these guys are legit." And I mean, I'm too legit to quit smoking.
Michael: I don't like it.
Clark: Does it look cool?
Michael: Yeah, it looks cool.
Clark: All I needed.
Michael: Well, OK, what would be thing that I would have to say to get you to stop doing it?
Clark: Mike, if we go into, like, a network, and they see me, that I have to step outside for a smoke break, they're going to think "these guys are legit." And I mean, I'm too legit to quit smoking.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: There's going to be changes in the script, but it's still going to have overall the same tone.
Michael: No, I know that. It's just some of these changes are going to be considered significant by some. I mean, we decided to have the guys hang out at a bakery called Montoni's a lot of the time. And the workers know them, and they know the workers, all their names and everything - it's like they're friends, kind of.
Clark: Just really push, like, the small town values, like a How I Met Your Mother or, like a Becker.
Michael: No, I know that. It's just some of these changes are going to be considered significant by some. I mean, we decided to have the guys hang out at a bakery called Montoni's a lot of the time. And the workers know them, and they know the workers, all their names and everything - it's like they're friends, kind of.
Clark: Just really push, like, the small town values, like a How I Met Your Mother or, like a Becker.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Ramsay: I read your script. How about that? I didn't like it. And let me tell you why I didn't like it. It didn't-I, I didn't read your script, my reader read your script and didn't like it. It wasn't that there wasn't talent in the writing - cuz there wasn't. It wasn't that the characters weren't there - and they weren't. It was because it was offensive to Chinese.
Michael: Chinese people love controversy. We know that: Pearl Harbor.
Clark: In fairness, is there even a sizable Chinese population that watches television?
Michael: Chinese people love controversy. We know that: Pearl Harbor.
Clark: In fairness, is there even a sizable Chinese population that watches television?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Ramsay: Can I tell you something about shocking the Chinese? These are the people that invented fireworks. You're not going to do it.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Ramsay: Let me tell you why I've stopped listening to what you're saying: It's because I have another thought, and that is this: ...
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: You guys got a minute? Wanna hear my pitch, for my other show? The secret show? Alright - it's called "D.A. Dad." It's about a single father of three that's also a district attorney for the city. That's the genius of it; the complexity. You got it on two levels - you got it on parallel rails running down: a theme on one side, and character arc on the other. We're going to nail that 18-34 market. He thinks he's teaching these kids but these kids are really teaching him. That's what nobody realizes about it...that I pitched it to.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Alright. So after we leave here, we're going to go over to that a**hole Dylan's house, we're going to throw a bag of ice through his f*cking window.
Michael: We can't do anything like that to Dylan.
Clark: Mike, Mike, the f*ck we can't. Listen: It's a bag of ice. After we throw it through his window, the evidence melts. It's the perfect crime.
Michael: What about the bag?
Clark: Michael. We'll go in and get the bag after. We don't want to go to jail. Finish your salad.
Michael: We can't do anything like that to Dylan.
Clark: Mike, Mike, the f*ck we can't. Listen: It's a bag of ice. After we throw it through his window, the evidence melts. It's the perfect crime.
Michael: What about the bag?
Clark: Michael. We'll go in and get the bag after. We don't want to go to jail. Finish your salad.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Hey amigo? How about you stick to making the tacos and you leave the chit-chat to us, OK? I swear, you bring a camera around and they come from all corners. And if there's one piece of lettuce in my hard shell taco? I'll burn it down. The whole building.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: We have got to be batting a thousand tonight, amigo.
Michael: I notice that you've been saying "amigo" a lot lately. That's very Spanish of you.
Michael: I notice that you've been saying "amigo" a lot lately. That's very Spanish of you.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: What's your name? Sh*t, I get tangled up in this right here. Right? Can we get the music up?
Michael: It's up full, Clark. I ran the stereo.
Clark: Well I don't know why we let you do it. I wouldn't want you spraining your p*ssy on the stereo. Where's that new Jock Jams tape at though, seriously?
Michael: It's up full, Clark. I ran the stereo.
Clark: Well I don't know why we let you do it. I wouldn't want you spraining your p*ssy on the stereo. Where's that new Jock Jams tape at though, seriously?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Driving Instructor: Guys, I cannot stress this enough. We'll go over this is the next class, but steering is so, so very important. You're gonna want to steer, alright? Okay. But after the four classes you will have an in-car test with me, and that, my furry little friends, will determine whether you pass and get your license.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: I have never ever minded being that guy, that wild man at the party that everybody loves. That's me.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Driving Instructor: Then you are legally required to make sure other seatbelts are buckled.
Hassan: So basically at all times.
Driving Instructor: Exactly, Hassan.
Driving School Girl: Man, I have such a hard time getting Danielle to buckle her seatbelt. There was this one time I was like, "Danielle, if you don't buckle your seatbelt, I'm going to tell the tooth fairy and you're not gonna get any money for your teeth." And she was like, "Okay Mommy, just as long as Santa doesn't find out." Adorable!
Michael: Did you breastfeed her?
Hassan: So basically at all times.
Driving Instructor: Exactly, Hassan.
Driving School Girl: Man, I have such a hard time getting Danielle to buckle her seatbelt. There was this one time I was like, "Danielle, if you don't buckle your seatbelt, I'm going to tell the tooth fairy and you're not gonna get any money for your teeth." And she was like, "Okay Mommy, just as long as Santa doesn't find out." Adorable!
Michael: Did you breastfeed her?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: I feel like she really got me, I feel like she knew what was in my soul. And I feel like every time I was looking at her - it was like she had just looked away, like she knew I was going to look at her and didn't want me to see her looking at me.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: I don't know, I just feel like I'm riding hell for leather out here everyday.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Realtor: See how this wall is rounded? This just leads you along. When you've got stuff on your mind...
Clark: Is this a Frank Gehry?
Realtor: You let the...yeah.
Clark: Is this a Frank Gehry?
Realtor: You let the...yeah.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: Hey, I'm a little concerned.
Clark: About?
Michael: About the office.
Clark: What, the kitchen? I told you I could fix it.
Michael: No, not that. But you can't fix it because you wouldn't know how to do that. But that's not the point.
Clark: About?
Michael: About the office.
Clark: What, the kitchen? I told you I could fix it.
Michael: No, not that. But you can't fix it because you wouldn't know how to do that. But that's not the point.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: Oh did, I tell you I passed my driving test?
Clark: Oh yeah? That's great, how did you do?
Michael: I barely passed, I got an 81. You need an 80 - but I passed.
Clark: Well, I mean, you're never driving my car.
Michael: Why not?
Clark: Because I don't want some amateur driving it.
Michael: I passed the test.
Clark: Mike. Barely. An 81? You think that's something to be proud of? That's going to get the job done every time?
Michael: You're not a driving teacher, you don't know what's good and what's bad!
Clark: I guess I just hope that you're not taking this approach to the pilot.
Michael: How can you even say that?
Clark: Because I'm out there giving 110. And if you're giving 81? You're in trouble, Mikey. You're in trouble.
Michael: I guess I'll just take the test again.
Clark: Oh yeah? That's great, how did you do?
Michael: I barely passed, I got an 81. You need an 80 - but I passed.
Clark: Well, I mean, you're never driving my car.
Michael: Why not?
Clark: Because I don't want some amateur driving it.
Michael: I passed the test.
Clark: Mike. Barely. An 81? You think that's something to be proud of? That's going to get the job done every time?
Michael: You're not a driving teacher, you don't know what's good and what's bad!
Clark: I guess I just hope that you're not taking this approach to the pilot.
Michael: How can you even say that?
Clark: Because I'm out there giving 110. And if you're giving 81? You're in trouble, Mikey. You're in trouble.
Michael: I guess I'll just take the test again.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: [at miniature golf course] I-I can fit in there. Yeah, I get in there all the time. Oh, what are you laughing about? Just because I'm a big, regular-sized person? [points to a noticeably annoyed Clark] Oh, there's my neighbor Amanda. How are the petunias coming in this year, Amanda? Clark.
TV Show: Clark and Michael