Columbo Quotes
Lt. Columbo: You know, I listened to this thing I can't tell ya how many times, over and over again, figuring maybe I'd hear something that shouldn't be there, some sound that shouldn't be there, an ambulance, a fire truck, like you were in a phone booth, something...
Paul Hanlon: [impatiently] But you didn't because it isn't there. I made the call from this booth, from that phone.
Lt. Columbo: Then it suddenly occurred to me. I had it backwards. Maybe there was a sound that should be there and wasn't.
Paul Hanlon: [impatiently] But you didn't because it isn't there. I made the call from this booth, from that phone.
Lt. Columbo: Then it suddenly occurred to me. I had it backwards. Maybe there was a sound that should be there and wasn't.
TV Show: Columbo
Paul Hanlon: [yelling] Columbo, I'm going to throw you out of here on your ear!
Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't do that, sir. I mean, you'll miss the best part. You see, I'm not finished.
Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't do that, sir. I mean, you'll miss the best part. You see, I'm not finished.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Is that Big Ben?
Superintendent Durke: Yes, it is.
Lt. Columbo: Well, look at that, a big clock like that and it´s only a minute slow.
Superintendent Durke: Yes, it is.
Lt. Columbo: Well, look at that, a big clock like that and it´s only a minute slow.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I just never have seen anything like you. Like that performance you both just gave...
Nicholas Frame: Thank you. I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy. No hard feelings?
Lt. Columbo: And you both must be exhausted. I don't know how you do it.
Lilian Stanhope: With innocent, loving hearts. Good night, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual. Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know, when my wife and I try to remember what happened yesterday or the day before, well, we don't agree on anything. And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the exact same words to tell about it. [pauses to let his words sink in] Good night.
Nicholas Frame: Thank you. I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy. No hard feelings?
Lt. Columbo: And you both must be exhausted. I don't know how you do it.
Lilian Stanhope: With innocent, loving hearts. Good night, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual. Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know, when my wife and I try to remember what happened yesterday or the day before, well, we don't agree on anything. And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the exact same words to tell about it. [pauses to let his words sink in] Good night.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Marvelous. Let me tell ya, I don't want to repeat myself but the other night when I saw that performance that you two--
Nicholas Frame: Durk, would you please explain what we're doing here.
Superintendent Durk: [indicating Columbo] Why don't you ask the tour guide?
Nicholas Frame: Durk, would you please explain what we're doing here.
Superintendent Durk: [indicating Columbo] Why don't you ask the tour guide?
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [Nora has exchanged Columbo's tie with an attractive gold one] Yeah, I was thinking. Uh, I've got an anniversary coming up next week. I wonder if I could have that back and save this for a special occasion.
Nora Chandler: Sure, here. Why don't you get your wife to take you on a shopping tour for your anniversary, huh? Take a look at [looking down his body] some suits, some shirts, slacks, socks, shoes...
Nora Chandler: Sure, here. Why don't you get your wife to take you on a shopping tour for your anniversary, huh? Take a look at [looking down his body] some suits, some shirts, slacks, socks, shoes...
TV Show: Columbo
Mr. Fallen: Actors, Lieutenant. Take my advice. Avoid actors. They'll kill ya.
Lt. Columbo: Well, thanks Mr. Fallen. I'll be sure to tell your boss I appreciate your hospitality.
Mr. Fallen: I AM the boss.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, gee. You know it never occurred to me. I mean anybody so young--
Mr. Fallen: It's alright. I would never typecast you as a detective either.
Lt. Columbo: Well, thanks Mr. Fallen. I'll be sure to tell your boss I appreciate your hospitality.
Mr. Fallen: I AM the boss.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, gee. You know it never occurred to me. I mean anybody so young--
Mr. Fallen: It's alright. I would never typecast you as a detective either.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: September 16, 1960. That was the day you ordered the fountain.
Nora Chandler: Well, I don't remember the exact day.
Lt. Columbo: September 15, the day before. That was the day your husband disappeared. Now it starts to make some sense. I have a possible explanation for why the fountain doesn't run. In order to lay water pipe somebody would have to dig up the lawn, wouldn't they?
Nora Chandler: Well, I don't remember the exact day.
Lt. Columbo: September 15, the day before. That was the day your husband disappeared. Now it starts to make some sense. I have a possible explanation for why the fountain doesn't run. In order to lay water pipe somebody would have to dig up the lawn, wouldn't they?
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You were both nurses, is that right?
Marsha Talbot: Yes, but Sharon always was devoted to healing. She always worked in hospitals. Myself, I work in Beverly Hills for a plastic surgeon because I selfishly enjoy being with middle to upper middle class people. However, I don't meet any single men unless they're ready for face lifts.
Marsha Talbot: Yes, but Sharon always was devoted to healing. She always worked in hospitals. Myself, I work in Beverly Hills for a plastic surgeon because I selfishly enjoy being with middle to upper middle class people. However, I don't meet any single men unless they're ready for face lifts.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You know, in a way I have to congratulate you. Up until now, you really had me going. I mean, here you are, you're a surgeon, a man that's gotta be cool. Even when you're angry you're controlled. You never lose yourself. That's why it struck me funny when you blew up in the operating room and you grabbed me and pushed me. I mean, you know, there was only one thing we didn't search. You know what it was? It was me.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: It certainly looks like it's one on me, doesn't it? You know, I really believed it all fit together. All the pieces, everything. The killing of the nurse, everything. Well, it goes to show you, Doc, maybe I've been at this job too long. Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: You'll be alright, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: You'll be alright, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Because that would explain why Miss Martin was so bothered after the operation and it would explain why she wanted to see the chemist at the company that made the suture. That's murder. That certainly is. No question about it.
[Dr. Mayfield starts laughing]
Lt. Columbo: What's so funny?
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Excuse me, Lieutenant. I had to play it as though you were serious. You don't really believe all those foolish things you say, do you?
Lt. Columbo: [angrily slams carafe down on desk] I believe you killed Sharon Martin and I believe you're trying to kill Dr. Hidemann.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Lt. Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence. You have perception. You have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.
Lt. Columbo: I want you to take good care of Dr. Hidemann because if he dies we're going to have to have an autopsy, aren't we? I mean, we're going to have to know whether a heart attack killed him or rather it was just a dissolving suture.
[Dr. Mayfield starts laughing]
Lt. Columbo: What's so funny?
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Excuse me, Lieutenant. I had to play it as though you were serious. You don't really believe all those foolish things you say, do you?
Lt. Columbo: [angrily slams carafe down on desk] I believe you killed Sharon Martin and I believe you're trying to kill Dr. Hidemann.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Lt. Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence. You have perception. You have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.
Lt. Columbo: I want you to take good care of Dr. Hidemann because if he dies we're going to have to have an autopsy, aren't we? I mean, we're going to have to know whether a heart attack killed him or rather it was just a dissolving suture.
TV Show: Columbo
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Maybe Marcia knows more than she's telling
Lt. Columbo: Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.
TV Show: Columbo
Mazoor Berozski: [after discovering that the toothbrush in Dudek's suitcase is not his but his roommate's] Lieutenant, then Tomlin Dudek could not have packed his own suitcase.
Lt. Columbo: That's what I was trying to get around to, sir, yes. And if somebody else packed it who didn't know that he wore dentures then--
Mazoor Berozski: Then his accident was not an accident!
Lt. Columbo: I, uh, thought you'd like to know, sir, that, uh, I think that is a possibility, yes sir.
Lt. Columbo: That's what I was trying to get around to, sir, yes. And if somebody else packed it who didn't know that he wore dentures then--
Mazoor Berozski: Then his accident was not an accident!
Lt. Columbo: I, uh, thought you'd like to know, sir, that, uh, I think that is a possibility, yes sir.
TV Show: Columbo
Emmett Clayton: Well, chess is the ultimate test of the human mind, isn't it?
Tomlin Dudek: You think so? I always thought it was women.
Tomlin Dudek: You think so? I always thought it was women.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [walking through a casino] How long has this been going on?
Dexter Paris: First time in Vegas, huh?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws. We ended up in Animal Land. It was nothing like this.
Dexter Paris: First time in Vegas, huh?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws. We ended up in Animal Land. It was nothing like this.
TV Show: Columbo
Dexter Paris: When I talked to my brother Norman, I did tell him that Hathaway and Lisa Chambers were going to meet at 5: 00.
Lt. Columbo: You did?
Dexter Paris: Yeah. Well, well, good ol' Norman, my banker brother. I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.
Lt. Columbo: I would tend to agree with that, yes.
Lt. Columbo: You did?
Dexter Paris: Yeah. Well, well, good ol' Norman, my banker brother. I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.
Lt. Columbo: I would tend to agree with that, yes.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: It's a shame that two brothers don't get along like that.
Michael Hathaway: Which one of them do you suspect?
Lt. Columbo: I beg your pardon?
Michael Hathaway: [laughs] Come now, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, sir, the trouble there is it seems to me they both have pretty good motives. I'm very big on motive.
Michael Hathaway: Which one of them do you suspect?
Lt. Columbo: I beg your pardon?
Michael Hathaway: [laughs] Come now, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, sir, the trouble there is it seems to me they both have pretty good motives. I'm very big on motive.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry, Mrs. Peck, but I think this time they needed each other so much that they both did something very bad.
TV Show: Columbo
Mrs. Peck: Bum! You are a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! [showing dish to lawyer] You see this!
Lt. Columbo: I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.
Lt. Columbo: I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.
TV Show: Columbo
Nelson Hayward: Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change in wardrobe?
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, no. Oh, well, every once in a while I think of getting a new coat. There's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fella.
Nelson Hayward: Looks very functional.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, no. Oh, well, every once in a while I think of getting a new coat. There's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fella.
Nelson Hayward: Looks very functional.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you. I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant so I don't expect you to like me. But I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I, I, I don't know, I just can't correct that. I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy, that's my nature. But I've never been un-, I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck. And, and if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed the man you worked for for 33 years, well, then, well then I think you're a very unfair person. [leaves]
Mrs. Peck: Lt. Columbo! [Columbo returns] I know that you're a very hard-working officer and I would like to offer you a plate of Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you. I'm extremely fond of health cookies.
Mrs. Peck: Lt. Columbo! [Columbo returns] I know that you're a very hard-working officer and I would like to offer you a plate of Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you. I'm extremely fond of health cookies.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: They were written with a black eyebrow pencil. I spotted it right away because that's what my wife always uses when she makes out her grocery list. When she goes into her purse that's the only kind of pencil she can ever find.
Viveca Scott: Then you're wasting your time here, aren't you Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: What do you mean?
Viveca Scott: You're talking to a redhead. Brunettes use black eyebrow pencil.
Viveca Scott: Then you're wasting your time here, aren't you Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: What do you mean?
Viveca Scott: You're talking to a redhead. Brunettes use black eyebrow pencil.
TV Show: Columbo
Sergeant: Hey, Lieutenant! What are you lookin' for?
Lt. Columbo: Salt for my egg. I usually carry a shaker in my pocket.
Lt. Columbo: Salt for my egg. I usually carry a shaker in my pocket.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Say, Miss Scott? Can I ask you a personal question?
Viveca Scott: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: It's, uh, well, you know it has to do with these pictures. You always wear a beauty mark. Only, this morning you don't have it on.
Viveca Scott: Oh, is that all? It's just one of those things I never do before lunch time, darling. Bye-bye.
Lt. Columbo: No. What I was wondering about was, uh, how do you put those things on? I mean, do you stick 'em on or do you paint 'em on or, uh... [she just stares at him] Well, I can tell you're not interested and your mind's someplace else. Don't worry about it. I'll ask somebody else.
Viveca Scott: Oh, no, Lieutenant. I don't mind telling you. I use an eyebrow pencil, of course. A black one.
Viveca Scott: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: It's, uh, well, you know it has to do with these pictures. You always wear a beauty mark. Only, this morning you don't have it on.
Viveca Scott: Oh, is that all? It's just one of those things I never do before lunch time, darling. Bye-bye.
Lt. Columbo: No. What I was wondering about was, uh, how do you put those things on? I mean, do you stick 'em on or do you paint 'em on or, uh... [she just stares at him] Well, I can tell you're not interested and your mind's someplace else. Don't worry about it. I'll ask somebody else.
Viveca Scott: Oh, no, Lieutenant. I don't mind telling you. I use an eyebrow pencil, of course. A black one.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Still trying to figure out where I got my poison ivy.
Viveca Scott: Poor thing. Still worried about your itch.
Lt. Columbo: Are you worried about yours?
Viveca Scott: Poor thing. Still worried about your itch.
Lt. Columbo: Are you worried about yours?
TV Show: Columbo
Adrian Carsini: Titian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red. And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.
TV Show: Columbo