Columbo Quotes
Lt. Columbo: You two didn't have a fight or anything, did you?
Joan Stacey: No, but...
Columbo: Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?
Joan Stacey: Three times.
Lt. Columbo: Three times? I guess his feet are warm enough by now.
Joan Stacey: No, but...
Columbo: Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?
Joan Stacey: Three times.
Lt. Columbo: Three times? I guess his feet are warm enough by now.
TV Show: Columbo
Adrian Carsini: That's ironic.
Lt. Columbo: Sir?
Adrian Carsini: Well, I-I'm probably one of the few men in the world that could have told you that wine was spoiled and-and told you it was because it was overheated.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. It required a very delicate palate.
Lt. Columbo: Sir?
Adrian Carsini: Well, I-I'm probably one of the few men in the world that could have told you that wine was spoiled and-and told you it was because it was overheated.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. It required a very delicate palate.
TV Show: Columbo
Karen Fielding: You're trying to turn me back into an employee.
Adrian Carsini: You were never anything but an employee.
Karen Fielding: Not anymore, Adrian, not anymore. I'm your partner now. And I intend on getting a great deal more from you than 700 a month and two weeks paid vacation. I gave you twelve years of my life. Now it's your turn to give me something.
Adrian Carsini: You can't force me into loving you, Karen.
Karen Fielding: Maybe not. But you don't have to love me to marry me. Lots of marriages have been built on much less.
Adrian Carsini: You were never anything but an employee.
Karen Fielding: Not anymore, Adrian, not anymore. I'm your partner now. And I intend on getting a great deal more from you than 700 a month and two weeks paid vacation. I gave you twelve years of my life. Now it's your turn to give me something.
Adrian Carsini: You can't force me into loving you, Karen.
Karen Fielding: Maybe not. But you don't have to love me to marry me. Lots of marriages have been built on much less.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I want you to teach me everything you know.
Wine Expert: It took me forty years to acquire my expertise.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what can you do in an hour and a half?
Wine Expert: Oh, just the very basics.
Lt. Columbo: Let's start with this-- How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?
Wine Expert: By the price.
Wine Expert: It took me forty years to acquire my expertise.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what can you do in an hour and a half?
Wine Expert: Oh, just the very basics.
Lt. Columbo: Let's start with this-- How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?
Wine Expert: By the price.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Do I get a confession, sir?
Adrian Carsini: Oh yes. I'll confess. There's no remorse attached to it. It's a great weight off my mind as a matter of fact.
Lt. Columbo: Why's that, sir?
Adrian Carsini: Well you see, Karen had guessed the truth. She was turning the thumbscrews on me. She's, uh, quite a little iron maiden, that lady. I guess freedom is purely relative.
Adrian Carsini: Oh yes. I'll confess. There's no remorse attached to it. It's a great weight off my mind as a matter of fact.
Lt. Columbo: Why's that, sir?
Adrian Carsini: Well you see, Karen had guessed the truth. She was turning the thumbscrews on me. She's, uh, quite a little iron maiden, that lady. I guess freedom is purely relative.
TV Show: Columbo
Adrian Carsini: You've learned very well, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you, sir. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you, sir. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
TV Show: Columbo
Nelson Hayward: I've been calling the papers. I called your commissioner's office from Fresno. But what's being done, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Uh.
Nelson Hayward: Sit down, sit down.
Lt. Columbo: So far, sir, we don't have a thing.
Nelson Hayward: Oh, that's disheartening.
Lt. Columbo: Officially, that is.
Nelson Hayward: And unofficially?
Lt. Columbo: Unofficially we don't have anything either.
Lt. Columbo: Uh.
Nelson Hayward: Sit down, sit down.
Lt. Columbo: So far, sir, we don't have a thing.
Nelson Hayward: Oh, that's disheartening.
Lt. Columbo: Officially, that is.
Nelson Hayward: And unofficially?
Lt. Columbo: Unofficially we don't have anything either.
TV Show: Columbo
[Columbo is at Hayward's swanky Beverly Hills tailor ordering a jacket]
Lt. Columbo: What I mean is, would it, uh, fit...
Mr. Chadwick: Would it fit your personality?
Lt. Columbo: My style, is what I'm...
Mr. Chadwick: Personality? Style?
Lt. Columbo: Right.
Mr. Chadwick: Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Lt. Columbo: You're sure?
Mr. Chadwick: Guaranteed you'll be most satisfied.
Lt. Columbo: Cause I want to look-- I'm going to an affair, you see.
Mr. Chadwick: Splendid, an affair!
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, my wife, she's in a bowling league. They're having this dinner dance. It's an annual thing. You know, $17.50 a couple. I want to look good.
Lt. Columbo: What I mean is, would it, uh, fit...
Mr. Chadwick: Would it fit your personality?
Lt. Columbo: My style, is what I'm...
Mr. Chadwick: Personality? Style?
Lt. Columbo: Right.
Mr. Chadwick: Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Lt. Columbo: You're sure?
Mr. Chadwick: Guaranteed you'll be most satisfied.
Lt. Columbo: Cause I want to look-- I'm going to an affair, you see.
Mr. Chadwick: Splendid, an affair!
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, my wife, she's in a bowling league. They're having this dinner dance. It's an annual thing. You know, $17.50 a couple. I want to look good.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Would you believe it, the first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.
Nelson Hayward: [laughing] I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.
Lt. Columbo: What do you mean, sir?
Nelson Hayward: Nothing. It's a small joke.
Nelson Hayward: [laughing] I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.
Lt. Columbo: What do you mean, sir?
Nelson Hayward: Nothing. It's a small joke.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I dug this bullet out of that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago. [Long pause] You're under arrest, sir.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: That's why the barrel and the chamber were clean when Ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter! I never figured on a converter.
TV Show: Columbo
Dr. Bart Kepple: In that case I'm deeply grateful for one thing.
Lt. Columbo: What's that, Doctor?
Dr. Bart Kepple: That you've established that White was killed between 7: 30 and 8 because you and I have been together constantly since 7: 30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now. Otherwise I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.
Dr. Bart Kepple: I'll ignore that because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you personally are my alibi.
Lt. Columbo: And that's a tough nut to crack.
Dr. Bart Kepple: That's not tough. That's impossible.
Lt. Columbo: What's that, Doctor?
Dr. Bart Kepple: That you've established that White was killed between 7: 30 and 8 because you and I have been together constantly since 7: 30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now. Otherwise I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.
Dr. Bart Kepple: I'll ignore that because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you personally are my alibi.
Lt. Columbo: And that's a tough nut to crack.
Dr. Bart Kepple: That's not tough. That's impossible.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Can anyone confirm that?
Mrs. Norris: No.
Lt. Columbo: No one at all?
Mrs. Norris: Nobody at all. Which means that I don't have what you call an alibi.
Lt. Columbo: Oh yes you do, Mrs. Norris. You were at the corner of Valley and Magnolia.
Mrs. Norris: With nobody to prove it.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I didn't say you had a good alibi but you do have an alibi.
Mrs. Norris: Lieutenant, I didn't kill my husband.
Lt. Columbo: I believe that.
Mrs. Norris: You do?
Lt. Columbo: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Norris: Why?
Lt. Columbo: My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies. She always picks the wrong murderer. I want to tell you something. If my wife decided to murder me she could come up with a better alibi than you got.
Mrs. Norris: Thank you.
Lt. Columbo: You're welcome.
Mrs. Norris: No.
Lt. Columbo: No one at all?
Mrs. Norris: Nobody at all. Which means that I don't have what you call an alibi.
Lt. Columbo: Oh yes you do, Mrs. Norris. You were at the corner of Valley and Magnolia.
Mrs. Norris: With nobody to prove it.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I didn't say you had a good alibi but you do have an alibi.
Mrs. Norris: Lieutenant, I didn't kill my husband.
Lt. Columbo: I believe that.
Mrs. Norris: You do?
Lt. Columbo: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Norris: Why?
Lt. Columbo: My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies. She always picks the wrong murderer. I want to tell you something. If my wife decided to murder me she could come up with a better alibi than you got.
Mrs. Norris: Thank you.
Lt. Columbo: You're welcome.
TV Show: Columbo
Dr. Bart Kepple: I know one thing, Lieutenant. You have to admit it. You never would have solved it without using my technique.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, Doc. If there was a reward I'd support your claim to it.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, Doc. If there was a reward I'd support your claim to it.
TV Show: Columbo
[Waiter hands Columbo a check]
Lt. Columbo: $6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.
Waiter: Oh. [adjusts figure]
Lt. Columbo: $6.75?!
Waiter: I forgot the iced tea.
Lt. Columbo: $6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.
Waiter: Oh. [adjusts figure]
Lt. Columbo: $6.75?!
Waiter: I forgot the iced tea.
TV Show: Columbo
Eddie Kane: Oh hey, I made some drawings today for a chapter on Bouncing Betties. Did you find them?
Riley Greenleaf: What's a Bouncing Betty?
Eddie Kane: Antipersonnel mine. You gotta really plant these things just right. Now you see, you lay it down six inches, no more, and you leave the pressure plate with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves and the guy steps on it. Whammo! You get the legs! It's beautiful.
Riley Greenleaf: [looking at Kane like he's nuts] Oh yeah, that's, that's beautiful.
Riley Greenleaf: What's a Bouncing Betty?
Eddie Kane: Antipersonnel mine. You gotta really plant these things just right. Now you see, you lay it down six inches, no more, and you leave the pressure plate with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves and the guy steps on it. Whammo! You get the legs! It's beautiful.
Riley Greenleaf: [looking at Kane like he's nuts] Oh yeah, that's, that's beautiful.
TV Show: Columbo
Riley Greenleaf: [intercom buzzes] Yes, Betsy?
Receptionist: Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man wondering around the editorial section. I thought you should know.
Riley Greenleaf: Well, what do you want me to do? If you want to get rid of him call the police.
Receptionist: That's just it, sir. He says he IS the police.
Receptionist: Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man wondering around the editorial section. I thought you should know.
Riley Greenleaf: Well, what do you want me to do? If you want to get rid of him call the police.
Receptionist: That's just it, sir. He says he IS the police.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Oh Mr. Chase! Uh, one thing. About that accident, do you happen to know who else was involved?
David Chase: It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?
Lt. Columbo: Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.
David Chase: Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.
Lt. Columbo: That's probably it. His subconscious.
David Chase: It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?
Lt. Columbo: Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.
David Chase: Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.
Lt. Columbo: That's probably it. His subconscious.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: In this synopsis which you gave me which you claim Eddie Kane wrote nine months ago, the hero saves his men and he goes off to live in a monastery. I hate to tell you this, sir. There is no way that Eddie Kane could have had that idea. It wasn't even Allen Mallory's. It was given to him by his agent Miss McRae. And for the life of me I cannot figure out how Eddie Kane could have written an ending nine months ago that was only invented last week.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: That first day I couldn't give a hoot in hell about a thief. I was looking for a cigar smoker and there you were.
TV Show: Columbo
Dr. Marshall Cahill: All you have at the moment is a theory and right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.
Lt. Columbo: It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.
Lt. Columbo: It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.
TV Show: Columbo
Dr. Marshall Cahill: Not making much progress, huh?
Lt. Columbo: I've got something. But, uh, motive-- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.
Lt. Columbo: I've got something. But, uh, motive-- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: The house was spotless except for that scuff mark on the living room door.
Margaret Nichols: I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.
Lt. Columbo: Some people say I'm snoopy.
Margaret Nichols: I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.
Lt. Columbo: Some people say I'm snoopy.
TV Show: Columbo
Steve Spelberg: What's his name?
Lt. Columbo: What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.
Lt. Columbo: What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.
TV Show: Columbo
Tommy Brown: You knew I was coming up here?
Lt. Columbo: I knew. Then I didn't know. And then I knew.
Lt. Columbo: I knew. Then I didn't know. And then I knew.
TV Show: Columbo
Tommy Brown: Now why would anybody want to kill me?
Lt. Columbo: Mr. Brown, I don't know. But you are a celebrity and there are a lot of crackpots in the world and there's just no accounting for people's reactions. I mean sometimes I even wonder about my wife. Not that she's a crackpot.
Lt. Columbo: Mr. Brown, I don't know. But you are a celebrity and there are a lot of crackpots in the world and there's just no accounting for people's reactions. I mean sometimes I even wonder about my wife. Not that she's a crackpot.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I noticed that the arrangement was changed.
Tommy Brown: You've got a good ear for music.
Lt. Columbo: Well, you know I'm Italian.
Tommy Brown: You've got a good ear for music.
Lt. Columbo: Well, you know I'm Italian.
TV Show: Columbo