CSI - Crime Scene Investigation Quotes
Catherine: Why is it you guys can never hit the bowl?
Detective Vartann: You know if this guy took viagra, you're lucky he hit the floor and not the ceiling.
Detective Vartann: You know if this guy took viagra, you're lucky he hit the floor and not the ceiling.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sara: David, I think I know where he's from! Planet Seiko... (shows watch to Nick) E.T.
Nick: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Nick: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: How was it?
Warrick: Sucked. I hate lawyers. I hate court; they all need to dry up and die.
Warrick: Sucked. I hate lawyers. I hate court; they all need to dry up and die.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: So there's good news and bad news. Good news is, this is the busiest lab in the country. Bad news is, this is the busiest lab in the country.
Chandra: That's why I'm here.
Greg: I waited for you forever. I love you!
Chandra: That's why I'm here.
Greg: I waited for you forever. I love you!
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sara: I don't have a death wish and I'm not a drunk. In case you were worried.
Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.
Sara: Isn't that kind of the same thing?
Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.
Sara: Isn't that kind of the same thing?
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Warrick: Alright then, lets head upstream.
Catherine: I knew you were going to say that.
Catherine: I knew you were going to say that.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Brass: Well, the kid gets murder, mom's an accessory, and dad gets felony explosives. It's a family-value pack.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: If you're gonna be sick, Greg, do it in the sink.
Doc Robbins: Not in the drain pan.
Greg: I don't feel sick.
Doc Robbins: Not in the drain pan.
Greg: I don't feel sick.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sara: I don't have a death wish and I'm not a drunk. In case you were worried.
Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.
Sara: Isn't that kind of the same thing?
Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.
Sara: Isn't that kind of the same thing?
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: What are you doing?
Grissom: Good you're here. (throws a cup at him) Fill this up for me will ya?
Greg: With what?
Grissom: It's a urine specimen cup, Greg. What do ya think?
Greg: (scoffs) Okay.
Grissom: Good you're here. (throws a cup at him) Fill this up for me will ya?
Greg: With what?
Grissom: It's a urine specimen cup, Greg. What do ya think?
Greg: (scoffs) Okay.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: That took a long time. You may need a prostate exam.
Greg: My prostate is just fine. I'm not a soda fountain.
Grissom: Well, hopefully you are, 'cause I need a number two as quickly as possible.
Greg: What is this all about?
Grissom: The victims body was found in the sewer. Ambient temperature 80 degrees. The corrosive chemicals caused the body to decompose faster than normal. And I wanna find out how much faster. Today.
Greg: This is some kind of CSI hazing. Make me appreciate blood and semen more.
Greg: My prostate is just fine. I'm not a soda fountain.
Grissom: Well, hopefully you are, 'cause I need a number two as quickly as possible.
Greg: What is this all about?
Grissom: The victims body was found in the sewer. Ambient temperature 80 degrees. The corrosive chemicals caused the body to decompose faster than normal. And I wanna find out how much faster. Today.
Greg: This is some kind of CSI hazing. Make me appreciate blood and semen more.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sara: I heard you finally lost your virginity. (Greg gives her a look and Sara smiles) First autopsy, how was it?
Greg: It was fine. How was your first time? How'd you react?
Sara: I puked.
Greg: I didn't puke.
Sara: Way to go, tough guy.
Greg: It was fine. How was your first time? How'd you react?
Sara: I puked.
Greg: I didn't puke.
Sara: Way to go, tough guy.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: Did I ever tell you the city paid me a dollar a square foot to rip out my lawn and replace it with rocks? Because we were in a drought.
Warrick: Are you kiddin' me?
Catherine: No.
Warrick: This city was not made for rain.
Warrick: Are you kiddin' me?
Catherine: No.
Warrick: This city was not made for rain.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Doc Robbins: Childhood keeps getting shorter and shorter... you know why that is?
Catherine (sobbing): I actually don't know!
Catherine (sobbing): I actually don't know!
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Marlon: Listen... I'm, uh... I'm sick. You know, I got this-this, this illness, which... look. I don't want to go back to prison. That's why I'm being so compliant. Now, yo, I don't work near no little kids. I stay a hundred yards from the school grounds. Man, I don't even go to the park.
Grissom: It's not a disease. It's a compulsion.
Marlon: I stay away from youth organizations, after-school programs, churches...
Grissom: We found a pair of boy's underwear in your bedroom. Explain that.
Marlon: I look at the photos. I look at the photos and I have the briefs for, um... release.
Grissom: So you fantasize, and eventually, the fantasy's not enough and you relapse.
Marlon: Hey, they're mine. I bought the underwear!
Grissom: Well, if that's true, then you were in a store where little children were shopping with their mothers.
Marlon: And what would you have me do, huh, man? What?! I mean, I even thought about chemical castration.
Grissom: Medroxyprogesterone is inconclusive. It renders the subject incapable of erection, but it doesn't remove the drive. You would still be capable of sexual assault using other objects.
Marlon: Listen... um, I haven't done anything, uh, illegal, so you can't hold me in here forever. Oh, is that killing look in your eyes a compulsion, Mr. Grissom?
Grissom: It's not a disease. It's a compulsion.
Marlon: I stay away from youth organizations, after-school programs, churches...
Grissom: We found a pair of boy's underwear in your bedroom. Explain that.
Marlon: I look at the photos. I look at the photos and I have the briefs for, um... release.
Grissom: So you fantasize, and eventually, the fantasy's not enough and you relapse.
Marlon: Hey, they're mine. I bought the underwear!
Grissom: Well, if that's true, then you were in a store where little children were shopping with their mothers.
Marlon: And what would you have me do, huh, man? What?! I mean, I even thought about chemical castration.
Grissom: Medroxyprogesterone is inconclusive. It renders the subject incapable of erection, but it doesn't remove the drive. You would still be capable of sexual assault using other objects.
Marlon: Listen... um, I haven't done anything, uh, illegal, so you can't hold me in here forever. Oh, is that killing look in your eyes a compulsion, Mr. Grissom?
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Warrick (looking at the map of registered sex offenders): Phew! That's a lot of perverts.
Nick: Get out of jail, come to Vegas.
Nick: Get out of jail, come to Vegas.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: Nick. You failed your firearm qualifications. You can't be here.
Nick: Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.
Grissom: Not in the field.
Nick: You're serious?
Grissom: You're in violation just carrying a weapon.
Nick: Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.
Grissom: Not in the field.
Nick: You're serious?
Grissom: You're in violation just carrying a weapon.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sara: This counts as field work, you know.
Greg: Oh, I'm smiling on the inside.
Sara: Dirty laundry or garbage? (before Greg can answer) You know what? You take garbage.
Greg: Thanks.
Greg: Oh, I'm smiling on the inside.
Sara: Dirty laundry or garbage? (before Greg can answer) You know what? You take garbage.
Greg: Thanks.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine (to Lindsey): Mouthing off to teachers, slipping grades, and now hitchhiking. I mean what's next Lindsey?
Lindsey (muttering): Stripping.
Catherine: What did you just say? Okay, no phone, no friends, no nothing.
Lindsey: For how long?
Catherine: A month.
Lindsey: Whatever.
Catherine: Hey, you want to make it two?
Lindsey: Dad always said you were a drama queen.
Catherine: Well, what do you expect, Lindsey, since he was always high.
Lindsey: I'd take Dad high over you any day! Nana's coming to pick me up. I'll be out front.
Lindsey (muttering): Stripping.
Catherine: What did you just say? Okay, no phone, no friends, no nothing.
Lindsey: For how long?
Catherine: A month.
Lindsey: Whatever.
Catherine: Hey, you want to make it two?
Lindsey: Dad always said you were a drama queen.
Catherine: Well, what do you expect, Lindsey, since he was always high.
Lindsey: I'd take Dad high over you any day! Nana's coming to pick me up. I'll be out front.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: Have you been to bed?
Grissom: Yes.
Catherine: Did you sleep? (pauses) Me neither. She was the same age as Lindsey. She was trying to hitchhike.
Grissom: Where was she going?
Catherine: Fremont Street.
Grissom: Was she buying drugs?
Catherine: No! She's twelve. She's... just so angry. She doesn't talk to me.
Grissom: Well, if enough people knew what was out there hunting them, they'd never leave their house. I think you need to sit her down.
Catherine: Well, I don't want to scare her. I don't want my daughter to be this... frightened, paranoid kid who's always looking over her shoulder.
Grissom: Catherine, there's a big difference between scaring her and preparing her. And all the reasons why you should are in that room. (Catherine contemplates this)
Grissom: Yes.
Catherine: Did you sleep? (pauses) Me neither. She was the same age as Lindsey. She was trying to hitchhike.
Grissom: Where was she going?
Catherine: Fremont Street.
Grissom: Was she buying drugs?
Catherine: No! She's twelve. She's... just so angry. She doesn't talk to me.
Grissom: Well, if enough people knew what was out there hunting them, they'd never leave their house. I think you need to sit her down.
Catherine: Well, I don't want to scare her. I don't want my daughter to be this... frightened, paranoid kid who's always looking over her shoulder.
Grissom: Catherine, there's a big difference between scaring her and preparing her. And all the reasons why you should are in that room. (Catherine contemplates this)
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Daniel (to Grissom): I didn't realize until... today... how lucky I am. I know pretty much... how and when I'm gonna die. Most people don't. It's what they're afraid of.
Grissom: Was your sister afraid?
Daniel: Never. I'm 11 years older than her, and she took care of me. She was my best friend, and I miss her. As much pain as...I caused her... and she wouldn't give up, and she...she wouldn't let me, either. That's why...during the last relapse, I made my parents swear that it was the very last time.
Grissom: But then your kidneys failed, and they broke their word, huh?
Daniel: They told me they... swore not to fight the cancer, so this didn't count. I wasn't gonna lose this fight. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.
Grissom: This wasn't a mercy killing, Daniel. This was an execution. Bone marrow, transfusions...that's her blood in your veins. It dripped out of your nose onto the blanket while you were killing her. If you cared so much for Alicia, why didn't you take your own life instead of hers?
Daniel: Suicide isn't an option. It's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God.
Grissom: But you believe that your god forgives murder? If that's your defense, it won't keep you out of jail.
Daniel (crying): But my death will. See, I've got about six more months. I'll be dead before there's even a trial. I-I do want to thank you, though.
Grissom: For what?
Daniel: For speaking for Alicia. You're probably the first person in her life to think only of her. You know, you may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work.
Grissom: Was your sister afraid?
Daniel: Never. I'm 11 years older than her, and she took care of me. She was my best friend, and I miss her. As much pain as...I caused her... and she wouldn't give up, and she...she wouldn't let me, either. That's why...during the last relapse, I made my parents swear that it was the very last time.
Grissom: But then your kidneys failed, and they broke their word, huh?
Daniel: They told me they... swore not to fight the cancer, so this didn't count. I wasn't gonna lose this fight. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.
Grissom: This wasn't a mercy killing, Daniel. This was an execution. Bone marrow, transfusions...that's her blood in your veins. It dripped out of your nose onto the blanket while you were killing her. If you cared so much for Alicia, why didn't you take your own life instead of hers?
Daniel: Suicide isn't an option. It's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God.
Grissom: But you believe that your god forgives murder? If that's your defense, it won't keep you out of jail.
Daniel (crying): But my death will. See, I've got about six more months. I'll be dead before there's even a trial. I-I do want to thank you, though.
Grissom: For what?
Daniel: For speaking for Alicia. You're probably the first person in her life to think only of her. You know, you may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg (to Mia): So would you like to grab a bite later? I know a diner down the street that serves a mean liver and onions.
Mia: I don't eat out.
Greg: Never ever?
Mia: I don't like expectorant.
Greg: Really?
Mia: Kitchen staff talk while they prepare your food and then the wait staff repeats your order over the plate, and by the time you get your meal, there are several DNA samples coating it.
Greg: Wow.
Mia: Yeah. No, thank you. I don't eat birthday cake either.
Greg: Oh, blowing out the candles.
Mia: Ugh. Don't get me started.
Mia: I don't eat out.
Greg: Never ever?
Mia: I don't like expectorant.
Greg: Really?
Mia: Kitchen staff talk while they prepare your food and then the wait staff repeats your order over the plate, and by the time you get your meal, there are several DNA samples coating it.
Greg: Wow.
Mia: Yeah. No, thank you. I don't eat birthday cake either.
Greg: Oh, blowing out the candles.
Mia: Ugh. Don't get me started.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: Mia Dickerson, Warrick Brown.
Warrick: Welcome.
Mia: Look, I already know you have a running bet with another CSI over how long the new hire lasts, so let's skip it. You got something for DNA?
Warrick: Welcome.
Mia: Look, I already know you have a running bet with another CSI over how long the new hire lasts, so let's skip it. You got something for DNA?
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Warrick (to Nick): How'd you shoot, man?
Nick: Rusty. They say I have a flinch.
Warrick: You and I need to go practice some, huh?
Nick: Yeah, when do we have time to do that? If we're not processing a scene or working evidence, we're in court.
Warrick: Well, when they take your piece, you'll make time.
Nick: Rusty. They say I have a flinch.
Warrick: You and I need to go practice some, huh?
Nick: Yeah, when do we have time to do that? If we're not processing a scene or working evidence, we're in court.
Warrick: Well, when they take your piece, you'll make time.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
[Catherine comes in to talk to Greg, who's been reviewing video surveillance tapes for about 8 hours]
Catherine: Tell me something.
Greg: I think my eyes need band-aids.
Catherine: Tell me something.
Greg: I think my eyes need band-aids.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: Did you injure yourself, Mrs. Perez? (Mrs. Perez looks down at a bloodstain on her shirt)
Mrs. Perez: Oh, a nosebleed.
Grissom: That's a lot of blood. I'm going to need to take your shirt.
Mr. Perez: Why?
Grissom: If you like, I can have someone follow you home so that you can change.
Mrs. Perez: You think we had something to do with it? Our daughter is missing. She's out there somewhere alone and scared. What are you doing about that?
Grissom: I'm just collecting evidence.
Mrs. Perez: Fine. Here! (she removes her shirt and throws it at Grissom) Take it! Go find her!
Mrs. Perez: Oh, a nosebleed.
Grissom: That's a lot of blood. I'm going to need to take your shirt.
Mr. Perez: Why?
Grissom: If you like, I can have someone follow you home so that you can change.
Mrs. Perez: You think we had something to do with it? Our daughter is missing. She's out there somewhere alone and scared. What are you doing about that?
Grissom: I'm just collecting evidence.
Mrs. Perez: Fine. Here! (she removes her shirt and throws it at Grissom) Take it! Go find her!
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Store Clerk: [to Brass as he carries a box of drinks] Look, dude, I didn't see it.[puts the box down on the side] Chica had a nice, round ass and that's what I was scoping.
Brass: What time was that?
Store Clerk: About 3: 00. She comes in, grabs some candy, looks outside, waves at somebody. The next thing I know, she flips her wig. She's screaming about her sister. I didn't see the girl or a car. Besides, there's a lot of traffic out there.
Brass: Was it busy?
Store Clerk: Kind of.
Brass: How many surveillance cameras do you have in here?
Store Clerk: Inside we got five. They're all state-of-the-art. Place gets hit a lot. Outside they're all dummies.
Brass: Well, I'm glad to see you're so concerned about your customers after they leave the store.
Brass: What time was that?
Store Clerk: About 3: 00. She comes in, grabs some candy, looks outside, waves at somebody. The next thing I know, she flips her wig. She's screaming about her sister. I didn't see the girl or a car. Besides, there's a lot of traffic out there.
Brass: Was it busy?
Store Clerk: Kind of.
Brass: How many surveillance cameras do you have in here?
Store Clerk: Inside we got five. They're all state-of-the-art. Place gets hit a lot. Outside they're all dummies.
Brass: Well, I'm glad to see you're so concerned about your customers after they leave the store.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom (to Doc Robbins): Alicia's cause of death?
Doc Robbins: Cardiopulmonary arrest.
Grissom: Time of death?
Doc Robbins: That's a little trickier. No solids in the stomach contents, just a milky liquid. Liver mortis was fixed and deep purple with a vitreous humor potassium level of 20 millimoles per liter with faint putrefaction. So, I'd say she's been dead about... 44 hours between midnight and 8: 00 A.M., the day of her kidnapping.
Grissom: Which means April Perez was lying about the abduction.
Doc Robbins: Yep. Story's got more holes than her sister's bones.
Doc Robbins: Cardiopulmonary arrest.
Grissom: Time of death?
Doc Robbins: That's a little trickier. No solids in the stomach contents, just a milky liquid. Liver mortis was fixed and deep purple with a vitreous humor potassium level of 20 millimoles per liter with faint putrefaction. So, I'd say she's been dead about... 44 hours between midnight and 8: 00 A.M., the day of her kidnapping.
Grissom: Which means April Perez was lying about the abduction.
Doc Robbins: Yep. Story's got more holes than her sister's bones.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Brass: [to April Perez] I bought it the hell we all bought it. But your sister was already dead when you raised that alarm. Her body told us that. There was no sexual assault. The evidence told us that, too. So you didn't think this through, sweetheart. So what are we left with? A false police report and a murdered little girl. So it's one to four for the Amber Alert. And for your sister, life imprisonment if it's an accident, and the needle if it's not.
April Perez: I didn't kill Alicia.
Brass: But you know, I get it. I get the picture. I mean, your brother's the center of attention. He's sick, he's dying. Your cells don't match. Your parents have Alicia. She's his savior. So, where do you fit in? What are you to this family?
April Perez: I'm invisible.
Brass: But not anymore you're not. She's dead, and your brother's sick. When he goes...
April Perez: That's crazy, okay. I told you, I didn't kill my sister.
Brass: I want to believe that. Come on. Help me to believe that. It just means you were in on it because you put on one hell of a show. You still using?
April Perez: No.
Brass: Maybe we should run your blood just to be sure, huh?
April Perez: I use now and then to take the edge off.
Brass: So how do you pay for this habit? Are you pimping your sister for drugs, April?
April Perez: Why don't you make up your mind? No signs of rape. If I was selling my sister, there would be, wouldn't there?
Brass: Depends on who you sold it to. You're not gonna talk your way out of this one. You need to get clean.
April Perez: What I need is a lawyer, which means this conversation is over.
April Perez: I didn't kill Alicia.
Brass: But you know, I get it. I get the picture. I mean, your brother's the center of attention. He's sick, he's dying. Your cells don't match. Your parents have Alicia. She's his savior. So, where do you fit in? What are you to this family?
April Perez: I'm invisible.
Brass: But not anymore you're not. She's dead, and your brother's sick. When he goes...
April Perez: That's crazy, okay. I told you, I didn't kill my sister.
Brass: I want to believe that. Come on. Help me to believe that. It just means you were in on it because you put on one hell of a show. You still using?
April Perez: No.
Brass: Maybe we should run your blood just to be sure, huh?
April Perez: I use now and then to take the edge off.
Brass: So how do you pay for this habit? Are you pimping your sister for drugs, April?
April Perez: Why don't you make up your mind? No signs of rape. If I was selling my sister, there would be, wouldn't there?
Brass: Depends on who you sold it to. You're not gonna talk your way out of this one. You need to get clean.
April Perez: What I need is a lawyer, which means this conversation is over.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sybil Perez: [to Catherine about Alicia] You have no idea what it's like.
Catherine: I saw her medical records. I looked at her x-rays. I know what that little girl suffered, what you put her through.
Sybil Perez: So you would let your child die and do nothing. Never. No, you'd talk to doctors and research. And then you'd find out that the National Bone Marrow Registry can't help you 'cause your son is mixed race. And even if he wasn't, there aren't enough donors. Out of four million, only 205,000 are Latino. I did what I had to do.
Catherine: You put one child over another.
Sybil Perez: [scoffs] I don't expect you to understand. You don't have kids.
Catherine: Uh, I have a daughter.
Sybil Perez: So, what kind of mother are you? When do you see her? You work nights. You probably don't even know where she half the time. Alicia's life may not have been simple, but at least I knew her. Can you say the same?
Catherine: I saw her medical records. I looked at her x-rays. I know what that little girl suffered, what you put her through.
Sybil Perez: So you would let your child die and do nothing. Never. No, you'd talk to doctors and research. And then you'd find out that the National Bone Marrow Registry can't help you 'cause your son is mixed race. And even if he wasn't, there aren't enough donors. Out of four million, only 205,000 are Latino. I did what I had to do.
Catherine: You put one child over another.
Sybil Perez: [scoffs] I don't expect you to understand. You don't have kids.
Catherine: Uh, I have a daughter.
Sybil Perez: So, what kind of mother are you? When do you see her? You work nights. You probably don't even know where she half the time. Alicia's life may not have been simple, but at least I knew her. Can you say the same?
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation