Deadpool Quotes
Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: [to the audience]I know right? You're probably thinking, Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with Polverine. [In an Australian accent]
Deadpool: And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
Deadpool: And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
Movie: Deadpool
Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. [Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]
Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
Movie: Deadpool
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion]Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion]Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
Movie: Deadpool
Blind Al: I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
Deadpool: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
Deadpool: No. You're blind.
Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
Deadpool: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.
Deadpool: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
Deadpool: No. You're blind.
Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
Deadpool: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: [chasing a crippled henchman on a zamboni]That's right! You're about to be killed by a zamboni! [beat]
Deadpool: Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're going to die! In five minutes!
Deadpool: Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're going to die! In five minutes!
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: [Commenting on her shaved head]Ripley, from Alien 3!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.
Deadpool: [cackles]Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.
Deadpool: [cackles]Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
Movie: Deadpool
Colossus: You will come talk with Professor Xavier.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like, sixteen walls.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: You're probably thinking, My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab! Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: [to Colossus]Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: [to Angel Dust]You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.
Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... [Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]
Deadpool: I mean, that's why I brought her? [points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]
Deadpool: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]
Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... [Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]
Deadpool: I mean, that's why I brought her? [points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]
Deadpool: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]
Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
Movie: Deadpool
[from leaked test footage] Deadpool: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
Movie: Deadpool
Wade Wilson: Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.
Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
Movie: Deadpool
Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror films.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror films.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unfuckable.
Movie: Deadpool
[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass] Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
Movie: Deadpool
Weasel: [to Deadpool before he heads out on a suicide mission to save Vanessa]I'd go with you, but... I don't want to.
Movie: Deadpool
Deadpool: [Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth]I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!
Movie: Deadpool
Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.
Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.
Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.
Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.
Movie: Deadpool
Wade Wilson: Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn't that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say cancer in Spanish?
Weasel: No.
Wade Wilson: El cancer.
Weasel: No.
Wade Wilson: El cancer.
Movie: Deadpool
[Thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked. A window opens... ] Deadpool: [raises his hands]Wait! You may be wondering, Why the red suit? Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [points at a thug on the left]
Deadpool: This guy's got the right idea. he wore the brown pants.
Deadpool: This guy's got the right idea. he wore the brown pants.
Movie: Deadpool