Deadwood Quotes
Al Swearengen: Sometimes I wish we could just hit 'em over the head, rob 'em, and throw their bodies in the creek.
Cy Tolliver: But that would be wrong.
Cy Tolliver: But that would be wrong.
TV Show: Deadwood
E.B.: What's he ever done for me? Except let him terrify me every goddamned day of his life 'til the idea of bowel regularity is a forlorn fuckin' hope.
TV Show: Deadwood
Seth Bullock: That man is a lunatic. High water he never made much sense, but now? He just utters pure gibberish.
Sol Star: Did he look pale to you?
Seth Bullock: What?
Sol Star: Did he seem pale?
Seth Bullock: How the fuck do I know if he was pale?
Sol Star: Ah, he looked pale to me.
Seth Bullock: What if he was? Let's say he was. Will you shut up about it? What is my part, and your part? *mocking* "What part of my part is your part? Is my foot your knee? What about your ear?" What the fuck is that?
Sol Star: Did he look pale to you?
Seth Bullock: What?
Sol Star: Did he seem pale?
Seth Bullock: How the fuck do I know if he was pale?
Sol Star: Ah, he looked pale to me.
Seth Bullock: What if he was? Let's say he was. Will you shut up about it? What is my part, and your part? *mocking* "What part of my part is your part? Is my foot your knee? What about your ear?" What the fuck is that?
TV Show: Deadwood
A.W. Merrick: May I say, Dan, having resumed drinking alcohol, I cannot for the life of me remember why I ever gave it up.
TV Show: Deadwood
Doc Cochran: I take it you've been out on a hoot?
Calamity Jane: I've been drunk awhile; correct. What the fuck is that to you?
Doc Cochran: The question was well meant. Like if you was a farmer, I'd ask ya how the farming was going.
Calamity Jane: I've been drunk awhile; correct. What the fuck is that to you?
Doc Cochran: The question was well meant. Like if you was a farmer, I'd ask ya how the farming was going.
TV Show: Deadwood
Charlie Utter: [on burying a dead Native] You ain't doin' him no favor. I mean his way to heaven's above ground and lookin' west.
Seth Bullock: Let's do that, then.
Charlie Utter: Don't you want to take him over the ridge? To his fuckin' Holy Ground and put him up there with his headless buddy? I mean, that's what you nearly got killed for: interfering with his big fuckin' medicine, burying his fuckin' buddy, over the fuckin' ridge!
Seth Bullock: Let's do that, then.
Charlie Utter: Don't you want to take him over the ridge? To his fuckin' Holy Ground and put him up there with his headless buddy? I mean, that's what you nearly got killed for: interfering with his big fuckin' medicine, burying his fuckin' buddy, over the fuckin' ridge!
TV Show: Deadwood
Calamity Jane: I'm calling on the widow and the little one in her care, and if I was you I wouldn't try to stop me.
E.B.: Be brief!
Calamity Jane: Be fucked!
E.B.: Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages.
E.B.: Be brief!
Calamity Jane: Be fucked!
E.B.: Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: We teach a special sweeping technique here.
[Al indicates Jewel, who is sweeping the stairs.]
[Al indicates Jewel, who is sweeping the stairs.]
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Oh, do you worry for her, Dan? Wandering the muck of our thoroughfare, her tiny self all but swallowed up in horseshit?
TV Show: Deadwood
Rider: God bless you, Mr. Swearengen.
Swearengen: Well, not likely. But my short-term prospects have just improved.
Swearengen: Well, not likely. But my short-term prospects have just improved.
TV Show: Deadwood
Alma Garrett: [on her claim] Is the technical term "bonanza"? [Seth nods] It's a bonanza, Mr. Farnum.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Dan's a fucking expert. When he's not shit-faced drunk, so's Ellsworth.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: My oath on this: every day that the widow sits on her ass in New York City, looks west at sunset and thinks to herself "God bless you ignorant cocksuckers in Deadwood, who do strive mightily and at little money to add to my ever-increasing fortune," she'll be safe from the wiles of Al Swearengen.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another. But don't get aggravated... then the enemy has you by the short hairs.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: The direction of my thoughts—with the sustained fucking stupidity that you're exhibiting, I hesitate to voice them—is that you might want to train for Phil's former position.
Johnny: Al... I have hoped for this conversation ever since you give me that Indian head to hide.
Johnny: Al... I have hoped for this conversation ever since you give me that Indian head to hide.
TV Show: Deadwood
Johnny: [coming down the stairs] Hey, Al. Any reason I can't share with Dan the, uh, proceedings of the talk me and you just had about me, uh, takin' over for Persimmon Phil?
Al Swearengen: Yeah, keep Dan in the dark.
[Johnny looks at Al, crestfallen.]
Dan: Hey, Johnny.
Johnny: Dan.
Dan: What’s new?
[Johnny looks down sadly and says nothing.]
Al Swearengen: Yeah, keep Dan in the dark.
[Johnny looks at Al, crestfallen.]
Dan: Hey, Johnny.
Johnny: Dan.
Dan: What’s new?
[Johnny looks down sadly and says nothing.]
TV Show: Deadwood
Reverend Smith: This is God's purpose, but not knowing the purpose is my portion of suffering.
Doc Cochran: If this is His will, He is a son of a bitch.
Doc Cochran: If this is His will, He is a son of a bitch.
TV Show: Deadwood
[Wu is explaining his problem to Al by drawing pictures]
Mr. Wu: Bok Gwai Lo... cocksucka!
Al Swearengen: Yeah, glad I taught you that fuckin' word. These are whites, huh?
Mr. Wu: White cocksucka! [shows empty bag]
Al Swearengen: Two white cocksuckers killed him and stole the dope that he was bringing to you.
Mr. Wu: White cocksucka! You, Swedgin.
Al Swearengen: [suddenly enraged] The dope that you were gonna fuckin' sell to me?
Mr. Wu: White cocksucka.
Al Swearengen: These two white cocksuckers? Who the fuck did it?
Mr. Wu: Wu?
Al Swearengen: "Who," you ignorant fuckin’ chink!
Mr. Wu: Wu!
Al Swearengen: Who? Who? Who stole the fucking dope?
Mr. Wu: Cocksucka!
Al Swearengen: Aw, Jesus.
Mr. Wu: Bok Gwai Lo... cocksucka!
Al Swearengen: Yeah, glad I taught you that fuckin' word. These are whites, huh?
Mr. Wu: White cocksucka! [shows empty bag]
Al Swearengen: Two white cocksuckers killed him and stole the dope that he was bringing to you.
Mr. Wu: White cocksucka! You, Swedgin.
Al Swearengen: [suddenly enraged] The dope that you were gonna fuckin' sell to me?
Mr. Wu: White cocksucka.
Al Swearengen: These two white cocksuckers? Who the fuck did it?
Mr. Wu: Wu?
Al Swearengen: "Who," you ignorant fuckin’ chink!
Mr. Wu: Wu!
Al Swearengen: Who? Who? Who stole the fucking dope?
Mr. Wu: Cocksucka!
Al Swearengen: Aw, Jesus.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: As damp as your hands are, why do you continuously lick your fuckin' thumb?
E.B.: Habit, I suppose.
Al Swearengen: Could you learn the habit of lickin' a fuckin' stump?
E.B.: Habit, I suppose.
Al Swearengen: Could you learn the habit of lickin' a fuckin' stump?
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: [to Adams] Get a fuckin' haircut. Looks like your mother fucked a monkey.
TV Show: Deadwood
A.W. Merrick: How many memories, fond to their recollection, have their setting in that tight little dining room?
Charlie Utter: Yeah, well it’s fucked now.
Seth Bullock: Anyways, we gotta open soon.
A.W. Merrick: Who would argue that the venue was the cause of these happy memories, nor the bill of fare? The bitter coffee, the rancid bacon, those stale biscuits that were tomb and grave to so many insects. No, gentlemen, it was the meandering conversation, the lingering with men of character - some of whom are walking with me now - that was such pleasure to experience, and such a joy now to recall.
Sol Star: Good of you to say, Mr. Merrick.
Charlie Utter: Yeah… back atcha, as far as… that goes.
Seth Bullock: Yeah.
Charlie Utter: Yeah, well it’s fucked now.
Seth Bullock: Anyways, we gotta open soon.
A.W. Merrick: Who would argue that the venue was the cause of these happy memories, nor the bill of fare? The bitter coffee, the rancid bacon, those stale biscuits that were tomb and grave to so many insects. No, gentlemen, it was the meandering conversation, the lingering with men of character - some of whom are walking with me now - that was such pleasure to experience, and such a joy now to recall.
Sol Star: Good of you to say, Mr. Merrick.
Charlie Utter: Yeah… back atcha, as far as… that goes.
Seth Bullock: Yeah.
TV Show: Deadwood
Silas Adams: They believe you're the man to deal with. Yankton.
Al Swearengen: I am.
Silas Adams: It's just the magistrate looking to earn off that warrant. But no one else even knows it's out on you.
Al Swearengen: Maybe the magistrate needs to die.
Silas Adams: Maybe he does.
Al Swearengen: I am.
Silas Adams: It's just the magistrate looking to earn off that warrant. But no one else even knows it's out on you.
Al Swearengen: Maybe the magistrate needs to die.
Silas Adams: Maybe he does.
TV Show: Deadwood
[On Stapleton being appointed Sheriff]
Al Swearengen: Bullock, it's a ceremonial position to give comfort to Tom Nuttall, who feels the camp's leavin' him behind. Putting a badge on Stapleton makes him feel he's got friends in high places.
Seth Bullock: That job shouldn't go to a shitheel.
Al Swearengen: Where as my feeling would be it should go to a shitheel, as it's shitheel's work.
Al Swearengen: Bullock, it's a ceremonial position to give comfort to Tom Nuttall, who feels the camp's leavin' him behind. Putting a badge on Stapleton makes him feel he's got friends in high places.
Seth Bullock: That job shouldn't go to a shitheel.
Al Swearengen: Where as my feeling would be it should go to a shitheel, as it's shitheel's work.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: I want to tell you somethin' about the law. Please, take a seat. Separate from all the bribes we put up, I paid 5000 dollars to avoid being the object of fireside ditties about a man that fled a murder warrant then worked very hard to get his camp annexed by the territory, only to have them serve the warrant of him and to face the six-foot drop. Into the magistrate's pocket the money goes, after which he sends a message. The 5,000'll need company if I'm to be off the hook. I give you the law.
Seth: It doesn't have to be like that.
Seth: It doesn't have to be like that.
TV Show: Deadwood