Deadwood Quotes
Shaughnessy: I'll not have vile affections, or uncleaness, on these premises. Find my specific meaning at Romans 1: 24-6.
Calamity Jane: [drawing over Shaughnessy's biblical quote placard] Fuck yourself, with a fist-punch up your ass, today at the present moment! [punches Shaughnessy in the gut]
Calamity Jane: [drawing over Shaughnessy's biblical quote placard] Fuck yourself, with a fist-punch up your ass, today at the present moment! [punches Shaughnessy in the gut]
TV Show: Deadwood
Samuel Fields: Cause I’m a nigger, Doc, that don’t care what stands or falls.
Doc Cochran: Hostetler was too.
Samuel Fields: Hostetler was taller than me.
Doc Cochran: Hostetler was too.
Samuel Fields: Hostetler was taller than me.
TV Show: Deadwood
Seth Bullock: I’ve had a wire... says your statement is true, far as having worked as a lawman. Not asking why you put the work aside, I’ll say only some that do find themselves ready and uniquely able to work the other side of the street. Some do that. I took the badge off myself once; without losing my impulse to beat on certain types.
Wyatt Earp: Though, that seems never to go.
Wyatt Earp: Though, that seems never to go.
TV Show: Deadwood
Cy Tolliver: [on seeing a gang of Pinkertons ride into camp] Take them amateurs off the fucking sugar tit. Mr. Hearst brought the pros to town.
TV Show: Deadwood
Silas Adams: Horsemen come to camp by torchlight last night.
Cy Tolliver: Tell Al as we didn’t wake to the apocalypse, I suppose all we need fear is their Winchesters.
Cy Tolliver: Tell Al as we didn’t wake to the apocalypse, I suppose all we need fear is their Winchesters.
TV Show: Deadwood
Morgan: They have their fuckin' fun with you, and in the morning, they treat you like dirt.
Wyatt: [chuckles] And you a fucking virgin...
Morgan: No, and not pretending to be.
Wyatt: ...to be wounded by her callous ways.
Morgan: All I’m saying is she could have been nicer, and those steerers more fuckin' polite.
Wyatt: [chuckles] And you a fucking virgin...
Morgan: No, and not pretending to be.
Wyatt: ...to be wounded by her callous ways.
Morgan: All I’m saying is she could have been nicer, and those steerers more fuckin' polite.
TV Show: Deadwood
Hugo Jarry: Washington harasses us for our difficulties in distribution to the Indians, thereby distracting the nation at large from Washington’s own fiscal turpitudes and miasms.
Silas: There amongst the turpitudes and miasms, you got caught stealing the money.
Hugo Jarry: The money was not stolen. There was an amount of siphoning off and certain irregularlities.
Silas: Sounds like it was regular as milking Bessie, 96¢ on the dollar.
Hugo Jarry: Rank exaggeration.
Silas: If it was less than 90, you fucked generations of Indian agents to come.
Silas: There amongst the turpitudes and miasms, you got caught stealing the money.
Hugo Jarry: The money was not stolen. There was an amount of siphoning off and certain irregularlities.
Silas: Sounds like it was regular as milking Bessie, 96¢ on the dollar.
Hugo Jarry: Rank exaggeration.
Silas: If it was less than 90, you fucked generations of Indian agents to come.
TV Show: Deadwood
Jane: Get out of my fucking light.
Mose: It’s me.
Jane: Who is me? The fucking eclipse?
Mose: Mose Manuel.
Jane: Oh, really? I thought it — it was Giganto, the runaway circus elephant.
Mose: Miss Stubbs has been looking for you. Those kids need chaperoning to the new schoolhouse, Jane. [Jane turns away and puts her hands to her ears, shutting her eyes.] Get up and walk them kids.
Jane: Okay, Giganto! Don’t tusk me to death with your tusks. [steadies herself, sheathing her gun] How long do I have to assemble myself?
Mose: They’ll be ready to go in a few minutes.
Jane: Shut up.
Mose: It’s me.
Jane: Who is me? The fucking eclipse?
Mose: Mose Manuel.
Jane: Oh, really? I thought it — it was Giganto, the runaway circus elephant.
Mose: Miss Stubbs has been looking for you. Those kids need chaperoning to the new schoolhouse, Jane. [Jane turns away and puts her hands to her ears, shutting her eyes.] Get up and walk them kids.
Jane: Okay, Giganto! Don’t tusk me to death with your tusks. [steadies herself, sheathing her gun] How long do I have to assemble myself?
Mose: They’ll be ready to go in a few minutes.
Jane: Shut up.
TV Show: Deadwood
George Hearst: Elections cannot inconvenience me. They ratify my will or I neuter them.
TV Show: Deadwood
Hugo Jarry: Perhaps then, rather, at this moment—having had in fact no connection to the regrettable incident involving Mrs. Ellsworth—you are Socrates to my Alcibiades, taking it upon yourself to edify me?
George Hearst: Are you saying you want to fuck me?
Hugo Jarry: [confused] What?
George Hearst: Well, you keep calling yourself Alcibiades to my Socrates. Are you proposing some sort of a homosexual connection between us?
Hugo Jarry: I'd forgot that part of the story.
George Hearst: Are you saying you want to fuck me?
Hugo Jarry: [confused] What?
George Hearst: Well, you keep calling yourself Alcibiades to my Socrates. Are you proposing some sort of a homosexual connection between us?
Hugo Jarry: I'd forgot that part of the story.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Tell E.B. nothing.
Richardson: I’ll just keep quiet.
Al Swearengen: No. Tell E.B. nothing’s going on and then tell him, "If I wanted to tell you anything, I’d have told you. Don’t send the imbecile over with no more notes."
Richardson: I can’t remember all that.
Al Swearengen: Can you remember "Nothing’s going on"?
Richardson: Yes.
Al Swearengen: Tell him that, then.
Richardson: I’ll just keep quiet.
Al Swearengen: No. Tell E.B. nothing’s going on and then tell him, "If I wanted to tell you anything, I’d have told you. Don’t send the imbecile over with no more notes."
Richardson: I can’t remember all that.
Al Swearengen: Can you remember "Nothing’s going on"?
Richardson: Yes.
Al Swearengen: Tell him that, then.
TV Show: Deadwood
George Hearst: Have you smelt human flesh on the spit?
E.B.: How would I have?
George Hearst: I know the smell.
E.B.: You have been to and fro in the world.
George Hearst: It pleased me to find out.
E.B.: How would I have?
George Hearst: I know the smell.
E.B.: You have been to and fro in the world.
George Hearst: It pleased me to find out.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: How well do you know the other guy?
Pinkerton: Who would that be?
Al Swearengen: That my man Dority killed. The Captain.
Pinkerton: We served in the 69th in New York.
Al Swearengen: Was that a mick regiment?
Pinkerton: Yeah. What were you doing?
Al Swearengen: Cutting throats.
Pinkerton: I was asking whose flag you were under.
Al Swearengen: The famous cocksuckers brigade.
Pinkerton: Is that so?
Al Swearengen: Command of the all-whore detachment. Distress you, when my man downed your friend?
Pinkerton: Let me tell you something, Mr. Swearengen. You don’t scare me, and you don’t fucking know what happened with the 69th New York. I will tell you this: I didn’t like what happened to Joe Turner. Mr. Hearst came to him and said, "Make it last, even if you gain the upper hand and can kill him." And I think that was halfway selfish of Mr. Hearst, whereas Joe could have killed your man and didn’t, and look how it wound up. But that’s as much as I feel like saying, and that’s neither here nor fucking there.
Pinkerton: Who would that be?
Al Swearengen: That my man Dority killed. The Captain.
Pinkerton: We served in the 69th in New York.
Al Swearengen: Was that a mick regiment?
Pinkerton: Yeah. What were you doing?
Al Swearengen: Cutting throats.
Pinkerton: I was asking whose flag you were under.
Al Swearengen: The famous cocksuckers brigade.
Pinkerton: Is that so?
Al Swearengen: Command of the all-whore detachment. Distress you, when my man downed your friend?
Pinkerton: Let me tell you something, Mr. Swearengen. You don’t scare me, and you don’t fucking know what happened with the 69th New York. I will tell you this: I didn’t like what happened to Joe Turner. Mr. Hearst came to him and said, "Make it last, even if you gain the upper hand and can kill him." And I think that was halfway selfish of Mr. Hearst, whereas Joe could have killed your man and didn’t, and look how it wound up. But that’s as much as I feel like saying, and that’s neither here nor fucking there.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Knowing him for an errant maniac, I’ll still not believe Bullock doubts me.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: [reading a telegram from Hawkeye] "23 men hired, all on our way." This squaw-fuckin’ idiot. Proves in eight words he’s incompetent and a fuckin’ liar. He can’t have got Adams’ telegram more than four hours ago, yet he expects me to believe that in four hours he can prudently assess the qualities of 23 hires. And you know what "on our way" means, huh?
Blazanov: No.
Al Swearengen: "On our way" means they’re getting drunk and blown in some saloon in Cheyenne and running their mouths about the big fuckin’ filibustering expedition they’re being commissioned for under the command of the famous Hawkeye; the laziest, most shit-faced whore-mongering cocksucker to ever piss my money away!
Blazanov: No.
Al Swearengen: "On our way" means they’re getting drunk and blown in some saloon in Cheyenne and running their mouths about the big fuckin’ filibustering expedition they’re being commissioned for under the command of the famous Hawkeye; the laziest, most shit-faced whore-mongering cocksucker to ever piss my money away!
TV Show: Deadwood
Jack Langrishe: The man I once was, Al, was not formidable, and I am but his shadow now. And yet I’d be put to use. A decoy, perhaps. A weight to drop on villains from above.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: [to his whores, pointing at a sleeping man] Rouse him to spend on pussy, or rob the son of a bitch.
TV Show: Deadwood
Hearst: Have the gold seen to [Alma's] bank, Newman. Have its purity assayed. Let her or her seconds choose the man. When that tedium is completed, have the documents witnessed as though we were all of us Jews. And bring the business back to me. [turns to leave] Excuse my absence, Mr. Star, as I hope you’ll forgive my thoughtless aspersion on your race. [Sol nods.] You stand for local office, but some contests being countywide, I await wires from the other camps. [holds the door open and Alma turns to leave. Hearst sniffs as she passes by.] You’ve changed your scent.
Seth Bullock: Can’t shut up! Every bully I ever met can’t shut his fuckin’ mouth... except when he’s afraid.
Hearst: You mistake for fear, Mr. Bullock, what is in fact preoccupation. I’m having a conversation you cannot hear.
Seth Bullock: Can’t shut up! Every bully I ever met can’t shut his fuckin’ mouth... except when he’s afraid.
Hearst: You mistake for fear, Mr. Bullock, what is in fact preoccupation. I’m having a conversation you cannot hear.
TV Show: Deadwood
Rutherford: Right to vote shall not be abridged or denied... [drinks]... on account of race or color or condition of previous servitude. 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, ratified 1870, law of the land thereafter, including territories.
A Pinkerton: They got something about niggers not waiting their turn?
Rutherford: Not that I’m aware of.
A Pinkerton: Oh, you ain’t aware of it? Then I guess you’ll want this white man voting first?
Fields: What’s a few minutes more?
Charlie Utter: The nigger was before him.
A Pinkerton: No he wasn’t.
Charlie Utter: I guess you’re blind and stupid.
Fields: I believe I’ll vote later.
Charlie Utter: Fuck if you will. Get your nigger ass back in line.
A Pinkerton: [to Fields] You’d better be walking him home afterwards. [pulls on his collar and gags]
Charlie Utter: You’d better see to that yourself, ‘cause if he don’t make it, you’ll be eating your spuds runnin' till I hunt you the fuck down.
A Pinkerton: They got something about niggers not waiting their turn?
Rutherford: Not that I’m aware of.
A Pinkerton: Oh, you ain’t aware of it? Then I guess you’ll want this white man voting first?
Fields: What’s a few minutes more?
Charlie Utter: The nigger was before him.
A Pinkerton: No he wasn’t.
Charlie Utter: I guess you’re blind and stupid.
Fields: I believe I’ll vote later.
Charlie Utter: Fuck if you will. Get your nigger ass back in line.
A Pinkerton: [to Fields] You’d better be walking him home afterwards. [pulls on his collar and gags]
Charlie Utter: You’d better see to that yourself, ‘cause if he don’t make it, you’ll be eating your spuds runnin' till I hunt you the fuck down.
TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: [talking to the Indian head in the box] This fuckin' place is gonna be a fuckin' misery. Every fuckin' one of them, every fuckin' time I walk by, "Ooh, how could you? How could you?" With their big fuckin' cow eyes. The entire fuckin' gaggle of ‘em is gonna have to bleed and quit before we can even hope for peace. What’s the fuckin' alternative? I ain’t fuckin’ killing her that sat nights with me sick and takin' slaps to her mug that were some less than fuckin' fair. I should have fuckin' learned to use a gun, but I’m too fuckin' entrenched in my ways. And you ain’t exactly the one to be levelin' criticisms on the score of being slow to adapt. You fuckin' people are the original slow fuckin' learners!
TV Show: Deadwood
Charlie Utter: You done fuckin' good.
Seth Bullock: I did fuckin' nothin.'
Charlie Utter: That's often the tough one, in aid of the larger purpose.
Seth Bullock: Which is layin' head to pillow and not confusin' yourself with a sucker?
Charlie Utter: Far as I ever get.
Seth Bullock: 'Cause that's gonna be a project tonight.
Seth Bullock: I did fuckin' nothin.'
Charlie Utter: That's often the tough one, in aid of the larger purpose.
Seth Bullock: Which is layin' head to pillow and not confusin' yourself with a sucker?
Charlie Utter: Far as I ever get.
Seth Bullock: 'Cause that's gonna be a project tonight.
TV Show: Deadwood