Eastbound and Down Quotes
Cassie Powers: You get the Christmas cards we got you this year?
Kenny Powers: Uhh, yeah I think so, yeah. I mean I get a shit ton of fan mail, so it's a lot of mail to go through. So, uhh yeah I think I did. Ya'll get that tanning bed I sent ya'll last year?
Cassie Powers: Yeah the one you sent three years ago?
Kenny Powers: Three years? Wow. Um. Um. Well it is a tannin' bed, you know. So... [to the boys]
Kenny Powers: you boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers who used to live down the streets from us. Hilarious [referencing Dustin]
Kenny Powers: I mean this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he has a family. He's got a nice shirt on.
Cassie Powers: We try to teach our children NOT to make fun of others who are challenged
Kenny Powers: 'MONGOLOID' Mike. Is that what we used to call him? We used to bush his head open with a stick. Remember that?
Cassie Powers: Okay. I think we're gonna tone down the language, right.
Kenny Powers: Uhh, yeah I think so, yeah. I mean I get a shit ton of fan mail, so it's a lot of mail to go through. So, uhh yeah I think I did. Ya'll get that tanning bed I sent ya'll last year?
Cassie Powers: Yeah the one you sent three years ago?
Kenny Powers: Three years? Wow. Um. Um. Well it is a tannin' bed, you know. So... [to the boys]
Kenny Powers: you boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers who used to live down the streets from us. Hilarious [referencing Dustin]
Kenny Powers: I mean this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he has a family. He's got a nice shirt on.
Cassie Powers: We try to teach our children NOT to make fun of others who are challenged
Kenny Powers: 'MONGOLOID' Mike. Is that what we used to call him? We used to bush his head open with a stick. Remember that?
Cassie Powers: Okay. I think we're gonna tone down the language, right.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Baseball Player: I know where you at, man. You had it all, and now it's gone. And it's torn a whole in your soul bigger'n my Escalade. So you turn to the drugs, the alcohol, the pornography, freebasin' with O.J., human traffickin', dog fights-slash-orgies... darkness.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny Powers: [Kenny speaking to Stevie about how great his life is in Mexico] Yeah, this is pretty much me, every day. Staring at butt holes and getting my buzz on.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny Powers: Where were you? I told you to wait in the car. Why is there silver shit all over your face?
Clegg: I was hangin' out with those dudes in the parking lot.
Kenny Powers: Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowjob?
Clegg: I was hangin' out with those dudes in the parking lot.
Kenny Powers: Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowjob?
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
P.E. Kid: When you did steroids, did they make your balls shrink?
Kenny Powers: Oh, you think that's funny? How 'bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question.
Kenny Powers: Oh, you think that's funny? How 'bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Interviewer: So Kenny, how do you feel about playing for New York?
Kenny Powers: You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.
Kenny Powers: You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: [to interviewer] Man, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, but they're nothing compared to the fags y'all got here in San Francisco. [belly laughs]
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Cassie: (about her daughter) Her name is Rose, named after miss Kate Winslet in the movie Titanic.
Kenny: You named your daughter after fucking Titanic?
Dustin: It's Cassie's favorite movie.
Kenny: Oh, wow! You gotta be shitting me! What's his name? (pointing at the oldest son) Fucking Shrek?
Kenny: You named your daughter after fucking Titanic?
Dustin: It's Cassie's favorite movie.
Kenny: Oh, wow! You gotta be shitting me! What's his name? (pointing at the oldest son) Fucking Shrek?
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: I am the man who has the ball, I am the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why, I, am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick! EVERYONE!
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: (on the phone with an escort) Can I wear the Scream mask?... The mask from Scream... When I do you from behind...
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Dustin, Jr.: Why didn't you hit the target?
Kenny: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, ok? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.
Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.
Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.
Kenny: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, ok? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.
Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.
Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: April, I gotta come clean, babe. There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image, that one image is your big tits.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Ashley: I don't want to be embarrassed.
Kenny: Well, you're doing a good job of that on your own just by how you fucking look.
Kenny: Well, you're doing a good job of that on your own just by how you fucking look.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: I thought Ashley Schaeffer was gonna be a woman.
Ashley: I love women, so I'll take that as a compliment.
Ashley: I love women, so I'll take that as a compliment.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Ashley: They're [the female salespeople] my closers, and they help people who are slightly hesitant to buy cars. So if you happen to be a man, Ashley over there will suck your dick.
[Kenny exhales sharply]
Kenny: I like how you work.
Ashley: And if you happen to be a woman, Scott over there will finger you with his penis.
[Kenny exhales sharply]
Kenny: I like how you work.
Ashley: And if you happen to be a woman, Scott over there will finger you with his penis.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: [Kenny has taken ecstasy and is about to start dancing] Alright. If you won't listen to my words, then listen, to my dancing feet. Work drugs.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: I like you, Tracy, but I'm gonna have to insist on you using some sort of protection. There's a dental dam up in my truck.
Tracy: What the fuck is a dental dam?
Kenny: It's like a rubber for your mouth. Nevermind what it is, just go get it! And it's not just for my protection, because you don't know what kinda shit I got either.
Tracy: What the fuck is a dental dam?
Kenny: It's like a rubber for your mouth. Nevermind what it is, just go get it! And it's not just for my protection, because you don't know what kinda shit I got either.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: Some people say Kenny Powers is a woman-hater. That's not true; I love women - every fuckin' one of 'em. Even the ugly-as-shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em, even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: What are you looking at?
Paper Boy: Your nice hair, asshole.
Kenny: Yeah, nice job making three bucks a week dipshit. Sell weed and you'll make more money.
Paper Boy: Your nice hair, asshole.
Kenny: Yeah, nice job making three bucks a week dipshit. Sell weed and you'll make more money.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: I need you to score me some juice.
Clegg: What do you mean? Like from the store?
Kenny: No, motherfucker. Steroids! Don't act like you don't know about drugs when you do.
Clegg: What do you mean? Like from the store?
Kenny: No, motherfucker. Steroids! Don't act like you don't know about drugs when you do.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Principal Cutler: Behave yourselves!
Kenny: Don't, try to tell my warriors what to do. [Pause] Alright, fuck him.
Kenny: Don't, try to tell my warriors what to do. [Pause] Alright, fuck him.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: You should see my fuckin' cook outs, man. When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn spoon man from the Soundgarden videos coming to my shit.
Dustin: No way.
Kenny: Oh yeah. I'm talking 6 grills burnin' at all times, tiki torches, three whole pigs, fucking shitloads of macaroni and cheeses, baked potatoes, collard greens, a horse, fucking Puerto Rican chicks showing their pussies and tits off everywhere. They were amazing.
Dustin: No way.
Kenny: Oh yeah. I'm talking 6 grills burnin' at all times, tiki torches, three whole pigs, fucking shitloads of macaroni and cheeses, baked potatoes, collard greens, a horse, fucking Puerto Rican chicks showing their pussies and tits off everywhere. They were amazing.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Stevie: Terrence, I don't teach you how to principal I don't think you should tell me how to teach band.
Terrence: You clearly don't understand the employer-employee relationship.
Stevie: Uh, I'm starting to and I don't like it.
Terrence: You clearly don't understand the employer-employee relationship.
Stevie: Uh, I'm starting to and I don't like it.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Kenny: (To his hired date) What did I tell you? I said put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Tracy: This is my eveningwear! What the fuck do you know about style?
Kenny: I know one of us has had his own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug, that's what I know. Alright, what else you got?
Tracy: [runs to the dryer] I got this... [pulls out an ugly orange pair of pants]
Kenny: Honey, I love you...I think you're a terrific girl — but you got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead.
Kenny: I know one of us has had his own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug, that's what I know. Alright, what else you got?
Tracy: [runs to the dryer] I got this... [pulls out an ugly orange pair of pants]
Kenny: Honey, I love you...I think you're a terrific girl — but you got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead.
TV Show: Eastbound and Down
Ashley Schaffer: I had a dream about this moment... When I was making love... to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said "No, Gabriel! Leave!" And I said "No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch." Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch. He will watch you two battle it here - you two becoming one, ok? This isn't a game anymore - this isn't a game!
TV Show: Eastbound and Down