Ed Quotes
Ed Stevens: A relationship like ours can't work; things buried deep down are bound to come to the surface and destroy us. It's like building on an ancient burial ground.
TV Show: Ed
Ed Stevens: I said some things I shouldn't have.
Carol Vessey: Well, sometimes that's how friends get closer.
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Ed Stevens: I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say, bombed Belgium?
TV Show: Ed
Ed Stevens: In the criminal justice system, Bonnie Hane's day is divided into two separate yet equally important parts: prosecuting offenders, and having lunch. This... is her story.
TV Show: Ed
Ed Stevens: It says here you went to Tufts University.
Kenny Sandusky: It's in Massachusetts.
Ed Stevens: I know... you graduated with a 3.7? And then you went to nursing school. Kenny, you're a nurse?
Kenny Sandusky: Pediatric nurse.
Ed Stevens: Why do you work in a bowling alley?
Kenny Sandusky: Life is a journey.
TV Show: Ed
Ed Stevens: The fact of the matter is you can't live without me.
Carol Vessey: What?
Ed Stevens: That's right you could move away to Guam, Borneo, Harrisberg Pennsylvania, god knows where, the truth is you'll be making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville. You know why? [Carol shakes her head]
Ed Stevens: Capital "E" lower case "d"!
TV Show: Ed
Ed Stevens: 'Tis a beautiful night.
Carol Vessey: 'Tis indeed.
Ed Stevens: Way to pick up on the 'tis!
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Ed Stevens: We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingoes engaged in a complex mating dance.
TV Show: Ed
Dr. Walter Jerome: What a marvelous piece of craftsmanship! Whoever forged this diploma must really take pride in his work. I mean, it looks just like the real thing!
TV Show: Ed
Shirley Pifko: [On her lost Mexican jumping bean] Please let me know if you see it. It looks like a regular bean, but every so often it bounces in a rather disappointing way.
TV Show: Ed
Judge: Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney?
Ed Stevens: Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing myself in this matter.
Judge: Haven't you heard the saying, "He who represents himself has a fool for a client?"
Ed Stevens: Yes sir, I have, and I tried my best to convince me not to hire me to represent myself, but I simply refused to listen to me.
TV Show: Ed
Nancy Burton: [Reverend Carver is being fired] They gave him two weeks' notice.
Ed Stevens: Who did? God?
TV Show: Ed
Nancy Burton: I hate to sound like one of those mothers, but most other kids Sarah's age are rolling over by now.
Mike Burton: Well, goodbye, Harvard.
Nancy Burton: Honey, that's not what I mean. I just, you know, want to make sure she's okay.
Mike Burton: I didn't roll over until my 23rd birthday.
Nancy Burton: [rolls eyes] Oh, my God. I'm married to the funniest man alive.
TV Show: Ed
Nancy Burton: I've always wondered where that phrase came from - speak of the devil.
Ed Stevens: Well, according to ancient legend, if you said the devil's name three times... he would appear.
Mike Burton: According to ancient legend? Dude, you got that from "Beetlejuice".
TV Show: Ed
Warren Cheswick: Ok, like, we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda. For the love of God! No one can!
TV Show: Ed
Warren Cheswick: What about that time you busted into our class wearing that fruity-ass knight suit?
TV Show: Ed
Warren Cheswick: What's zeroing down?
Donna Tozzi: What?
Warren Cheswick: You know instead of what's going down... What's zeroing... never mind.
TV Show: Ed
Mike Burton: Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head!
Ed Stevens: You don't see that every day.
TV Show: Ed
Mike Burton: Hey, ten bucks...
Ed Stevens: I'm not really in the mood.
Mike Burton: No, you're gonna like this one, it's conceptual.
Ed Stevens: ...Okay.
Mike Burton: Ten bucks... if you give me ten bucks.
TV Show: Ed
Mike Burton: I disagree, Dr. Jerome.
Dr. Walter Jerome: You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin!
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Mike Burton: I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees.
Nancy Burton: Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month?
TV Show: Ed
Mike Burton: I'll give you six bucks to hug the giant chicken.
Ed Stevens: Six bucks? As you know the traditional wager is ten bucks.
Mike Burton: But I've only got six.
Ed Stevens: Forget it!... Wait. I'll give you ten bucks to hug the giant chicken.
TV Show: Ed