Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Rochelle: Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? Dinner? Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons to you? Get over here and pick this crap up before I slap the shine off your head!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: [as Chris, Tonya and Drew mess up the house] Black people didn't go this crazy again till the L.A. riots!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tonya: Mom, where's Chris?
Rochelle: His bike got stolen. I told him not to let anybody ride it. So I smacked him into next week. He'll be back on Tuesday.
Rochelle: His bike got stolen. I told him not to let anybody ride it. So I smacked him into next week. He'll be back on Tuesday.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: You would think a guy that gets beat up every day wouldn't leave the house wearing tights.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My mother would never hire anyone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people don't tell you they're irresponsible. 'Cause they're irresponsible!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: You can't leave your baby here.
Yvette: Why not?
Chris: Because you're babysitting.
Yvette: Why not?
Chris: Because you're babysitting.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: We didn't know if it was his baby either, but trust me: Ain't no black man pickin' up a baby that ain't his.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris and Tonya (singing to the baby): It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder, how I keep from going under.
Narrator: Hey, he cried when I sang Endless Love.
Narrator: Hey, he cried when I sang Endless Love.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: (to mom & dad) No, no, she went to get the baby when she came back she bought us some chicken, so then this guy came to the door he his name was Mario and he was the baby's father so then, he left she came back and the baby wasn't here so then she went to go get the baby back her mother came to the door lookin' for her and the baby. So then when she came back she started to brade Tonya's hair Drew get to watch the game, you guys came back, she tryin to make it fine and it's not!!!!!!!
Julius: I told you we should've let Chris babysit. Girl, give me my money back.
Julius: I told you we should've let Chris babysit. Girl, give me my money back.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Drew: (as Chris comes back) 3, 2, 1!!!! (laughs) Yeah, that was a game! (laughs again).
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle Rock: Like I told you for the hundredth time, I'm pregnant. I thought you used a condom.
Julius: I did! Damn Risky!
Julius: I did! Damn Risky!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl is because my father wanted a boy.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl is because my father wanted a boy.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: From the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult, my father loved to find money.
Child Julius: Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!
[flashback: woman giving birth]
Doctor: It's a boy!
Julius: I found a dollar!
Narrator: That wasn't even my mother!
Child Julius: Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!
[flashback: woman giving birth]
Doctor: It's a boy!
Julius: I found a dollar!
Narrator: That wasn't even my mother!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tonya: [about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?
Rochelle: The prize is you won't starve to death.
Rochelle: The prize is you won't starve to death.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I thought "Plate Tectonics" was the original name of the Wu-Tang Clan.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: You know, there's a reason why you didn't have a friend until I came along.
Greg: And there's a reason why you don't have a friend now!
Narrator: It was like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham!
Greg: And there's a reason why you don't have a friend now!
Narrator: It was like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
NARRATOR(CR): My dad liked game shows.
JULIUS: C'mon, sista. You can do it.
NARRATOR(CR): And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.
Bob Barker: What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!
Julius: $430.
Bob Barker: I want the first bid from Bennette.
Bennette: $400.
Julius: That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.
White woman: $625.
Julius: Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.
White man: $580.
JULIUS: What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?
NARRATOR(CR): My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.
ROCHELLE: How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.
JULIUS: That's 'cause it costs $430.
JULIUS: C'mon, sista. You can do it.
NARRATOR(CR): And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.
Bob Barker: What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!
Julius: $430.
Bob Barker: I want the first bid from Bennette.
Bennette: $400.
Julius: That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.
White woman: $625.
Julius: Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.
White man: $580.
JULIUS: What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?
NARRATOR(CR): My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.
ROCHELLE: How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.
JULIUS: That's 'cause it costs $430.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Tonya is attempting to make hot chocolate while Chris is out. Rochelle finds her]]
ROCHELLE: Tonya, what're you doin'?!
TONYA: Chris did it!
ROCHELLE: ( calling upstairs ) CHRIS!
DREW: ( entering the kitchen ) Chris isn't here.
ROCHELLE: ( as Tonya stands stock still in horror ) So where is he?
DREW: I don't Know.
ROCHELLE: Tonya, what're you doin'?!
TONYA: Chris did it!
ROCHELLE: ( calling upstairs ) CHRIS!
DREW: ( entering the kitchen ) Chris isn't here.
ROCHELLE: ( as Tonya stands stock still in horror ) So where is he?
DREW: I don't Know.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: So who put this pot on the stove?
Drew: wansn't me.
Narrator(CR): Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Who tore up my back seat?
Drew: Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Julius: Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?
Drew: Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Who spilt this oatmeal?
Baby Drew: Wasn't me.
Narrator: Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]
Drew: wansn't me.
Narrator(CR): Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Who tore up my back seat?
Drew: Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Julius: Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?
Drew: Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Who spilt this oatmeal?
Baby Drew: Wasn't me.
Narrator: Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: [to Tonya] What is this mess girl?
Tonya: [realising she has no scapegoat] I was just trying to make hot chocolate.
Rochelle: [firmly] I don't want you foolin' around with this hot chocolate again, do you hear me? [as Chris enters] Now get upstairs before I make yo' behind hot!
Narrator: I thought I'd see George Bush in a do-rag before Tonya got in trouble.
Tonya: [realising she has no scapegoat] I was just trying to make hot chocolate.
Rochelle: [firmly] I don't want you foolin' around with this hot chocolate again, do you hear me? [as Chris enters] Now get upstairs before I make yo' behind hot!
Narrator: I thought I'd see George Bush in a do-rag before Tonya got in trouble.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Art: Gregory! You got dents all in my sofa. Can you sit in one spot and can you drink out of one glass?
Narrator: This is like CSI: Brooklyn.
Narrator: This is like CSI: Brooklyn.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: I know you're not out there sellin' drugs. I mean, you could be the kingpin of a Colombian drug cartel for all I know.
Chris: Momma, I'm not out there sellin' drugs.
Rochelle: How do I know that?
Narrator: My mother had one goal in life for her kids: don't sell drugs. As long as they weren't doin' that, almost everything else was gonna be OK.
[Cutaway]
Policeman: Ma'am, your son shot the mayor.
Rochelle: Did he sell drugs?
Policeman: No.
Rochelle: Get in here, boy.
[Another cutaway]
Ploiceman: Ma'am, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the President and ran a red light.
Rochelle: He ain't sell no drugs, did he?
Policeman: No, ma'am.
Rochelle: Boy, get in here.
Chris: Momma, I'm not out there sellin' drugs.
Rochelle: How do I know that?
Narrator: My mother had one goal in life for her kids: don't sell drugs. As long as they weren't doin' that, almost everything else was gonna be OK.
[Cutaway]
Policeman: Ma'am, your son shot the mayor.
Rochelle: Did he sell drugs?
Policeman: No.
Rochelle: Get in here, boy.
[Another cutaway]
Ploiceman: Ma'am, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the President and ran a red light.
Rochelle: He ain't sell no drugs, did he?
Policeman: No, ma'am.
Rochelle: Boy, get in here.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Oh baby, you'll be able to use up all the hot water you want.
Narrator: So all I'm getting is a clean ass.
Julius: Steaming hot.
Narrator: So all I'm getting is a clean ass.
Julius: Steaming hot.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris