Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Narrator: After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.
Rochelle: What did you say?!
Chris: I said no.
Narrator: Twice!
Rochelle: That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.
Chris: Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.
Rochelle: I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!
Chris: Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?
Rochelle: Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.
Chris: No. I'm not gonna do it.
Rochelle: Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off.
Rochelle: What did you say?!
Chris: I said no.
Narrator: Twice!
Rochelle: That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.
Chris: Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.
Rochelle: I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!
Chris: Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?
Rochelle: Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.
Chris: No. I'm not gonna do it.
Rochelle: Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Where have you been?
Julius: I stopped to get coffee.
Narrator: With his coffee coupon.
Julius: I stopped to get coffee.
Narrator: With his coffee coupon.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: With my father on his way to Doc's, I was a dead man workin'.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.
Chris: Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?
Julius: Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.
Chris: Why?
Julius: Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!
Narrator: And countin'!
Chris: How is that even possible?
Julius: Because she doesn't care!
Chris: It doesn't make any sense!
Julius: Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.
Narrator: I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.
Chris: Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?
Julius: Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.
Chris: Why?
Julius: Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!
Narrator: And countin'!
Chris: How is that even possible?
Julius: Because she doesn't care!
Chris: It doesn't make any sense!
Julius: Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.
Narrator: I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I had put my foot down, but unfortunately, it was into my own grave.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: While my mother was teachin' me lessons about life, Mr. Omar was teachin' a lesson about death.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: How come when a woman says, "Fine," it's never actually fine?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tonya: Will you quit bein' stupid and go clean up the kitchen like Momma told you?!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: Why is this table such a mess?
Narrator: Somebody fired the maid.
Narrator: Somebody fired the maid.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Vanessa: Chris, you are a child. Parents don't negotiate with children.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...
Rochelle: Y'all better eat that liver.
Chris, Drew and Tonya: Yes, ma'am.
Narrator: ...you do it, no matter what you think.
Rochelle: Boy, get your feet off my good chair.
Drew: Yes, ma'am.
Narrator: No matter what it is.
Rochelle: Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!
Tonya: Yes, ma'am.
Narrator: No matter how you feel.
Rochelle: Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.
Chris: No!
Rochelle: What?
Narrator: Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!
Rochelle: Y'all better eat that liver.
Chris, Drew and Tonya: Yes, ma'am.
Narrator: ...you do it, no matter what you think.
Rochelle: Boy, get your feet off my good chair.
Drew: Yes, ma'am.
Narrator: No matter what it is.
Rochelle: Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!
Tonya: Yes, ma'am.
Narrator: No matter how you feel.
Rochelle: Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.
Chris: No!
Rochelle: What?
Narrator: Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: While you were out takin' your time, sippin' on coffee, your son was here staging a COUP!!
Julius: A coup? What? Who, Drew?
Rochelle: CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!
Julius: Does what? What did he do?
Rochelle: What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!
Julius: No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!
Rochelle: Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!
Julius: Rochelle, what did he do?
Rochelle: I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!
Julius: A coup? What? Who, Drew?
Rochelle: CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!
Julius: Does what? What did he do?
Rochelle: What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!
Julius: No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!
Rochelle: Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!
Julius: Rochelle, what did he do?
Rochelle: I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Whenever there was a problem my mom couldn't handle, she'd call my dad for backup, like the governor bringin' in the National Guard.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.
Chris: No.
Narrator: Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.
Chris: No.
Narrator: Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.
Chris: Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!
Rochelle: You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.
Narrator: And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.
Chris: Where's my underwear?
Rochelle: You grown. Wash your own drawers.
Narrator: She didn't make my meals.
Chris: Where's my breakfast?
Rochelle: You grown. You can cook your own food.
Chris: Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!
Rochelle: You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.
Narrator: And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.
Chris: Where's my underwear?
Rochelle: You grown. Wash your own drawers.
Narrator: She didn't make my meals.
Chris: Where's my breakfast?
Rochelle: You grown. You can cook your own food.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Monk: I also will take that, uh... helmet and those death darts.
Mr. Omar: That's a crock-pot and pens, man!
Monk: Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make me a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.
Mr. Omar: Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you?
Mr. Omar: That's a crock-pot and pens, man!
Monk: Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make me a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.
Mr. Omar: Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: My mom's been mad at me before, and she'll be mad at me again. What's the worst she can do, not be my mother anymore?
Rochelle: I'd like to return this child.
Nurse: Do you have the receipt?
Rochelle: Sure do.
Nurse: Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.
Rochelle: Thank you!
Rochelle: I'd like to return this child.
Nurse: Do you have the receipt?
Rochelle: Sure do.
Nurse: Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.
Rochelle: Thank you!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: [on the phone] Hello. I have planted a bomb at Tattaglia High. Unless everybody is out of that building in the next 40 minutes... everybody will be out of that building in the next 40 minutes.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I was tryin' to become my own person, but my mother still thought she owned me.
Rochelle: What you think you doin'?
Chris: I'm makin' breakfast.
Rochelle: With my eggs?
Chris: No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.
Rochelle: Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.
Chris: Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.
Rochelle: Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...
Chris: You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.
Rochelle: Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.
Chris: Fine! I'm leavin'.
Narrator: I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.
Rochelle: What you think you doin'?
Chris: I'm makin' breakfast.
Rochelle: With my eggs?
Chris: No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.
Rochelle: Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.
Chris: Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.
Rochelle: Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...
Chris: You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.
Rochelle: Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.
Chris: Fine! I'm leavin'.
Narrator: I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.
Narrator: What?
Rochelle: Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?
Drew: I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.
Tonya: No, I think the arm is the arm.
Rochelle: Chris is the boy.
Julius: Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.
Drew: Like talkin' back to Mom.
Julius: Right.
Tonya: So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?
Julius: Exactly.
Rochelle: So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.
Narrator: What?
Rochelle: Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?
Drew: I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.
Tonya: No, I think the arm is the arm.
Rochelle: Chris is the boy.
Julius: Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.
Drew: Like talkin' back to Mom.
Julius: Right.
Tonya: So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?
Julius: Exactly.
Rochelle: So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: Oh, man! You're gonna be so in there! I can't believe you ran it down! I only just ran. What'd she say?
Chris: She said she'll think about it.
Greg: But what does that mean?
Chris: It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."
Narrator: When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Blind Girlfriend: Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?
Narrator: She checked dangerous guys.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Robber Girl: Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!
Narrator: She even checked guys who were girls.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Androgynous Guy: I'm my own girlfriend.
Chris: She said she'll think about it.
Greg: But what does that mean?
Chris: It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."
Narrator: When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Blind Girlfriend: Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?
Narrator: She checked dangerous guys.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Robber Girl: Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!
Narrator: She even checked guys who were girls.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Androgynous Guy: I'm my own girlfriend.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: I got a surprise for you later.
Tasha: You do? What is it?
Narrator: It's a surprise to me, too.
Chris: Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.
Narrator: Good one!
Tasha: Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...
Narrator: Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.
Tasha: You do? What is it?
Narrator: It's a surprise to me, too.
Chris: Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.
Narrator: Good one!
Tasha: Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...
Narrator: Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: The best thing about the girl next door is that she's right next door, and the worst is that she's right next door.
Tasha: I will not be ignored, Chris.
Narrator: I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.
Tasha: I will not be ignored, Chris.
Narrator: I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breakin' up over one fight wasn't worth it, and if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.
Tasha: Oh, Chris.
Chris: Hey. I was mad earlier.
Tasha: I noticed.
Chris: It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.
Tasha: Like what?
Chris: First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.
Tasha: OK.
Chris: And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.
Tasha: OK, good.
Chris: What's wrong?
Tasha: I am breaking up with you.
Chris: I thought you said that we were still together.
Tasha: Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
Narrator: Me, either.
Tasha: Oh, Chris.
Chris: Hey. I was mad earlier.
Tasha: I noticed.
Chris: It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.
Tasha: Like what?
Chris: First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.
Tasha: OK.
Chris: And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.
Tasha: OK, good.
Chris: What's wrong?
Tasha: I am breaking up with you.
Chris: I thought you said that we were still together.
Tasha: Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
Narrator: Me, either.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Thurman: Do you know William Henry Harrison?
Chris: Yeah. Wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in My Fair Lady?
Mr. Thurman: No, that was Rex Harrison.
Chris: Oh.
Mr. Thurman: William Henry Harrison was the ninth President of the United States, and he gave the longest inaugural address in history, and guess what?
Chris: What?
Mr. Thurman: Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech!
Chris: But I have to study for finals!
Mr. Thurman: Not if you don't get that speech memorized because if ya don't, you're gonna get suspended, and then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a momma joke for that?
Narrator: If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.
Chris: Yeah. Wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in My Fair Lady?
Mr. Thurman: No, that was Rex Harrison.
Chris: Oh.
Mr. Thurman: William Henry Harrison was the ninth President of the United States, and he gave the longest inaugural address in history, and guess what?
Chris: What?
Mr. Thurman: Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech!
Chris: But I have to study for finals!
Mr. Thurman: Not if you don't get that speech memorized because if ya don't, you're gonna get suspended, and then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a momma joke for that?
Narrator: If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tallulah: My name is Tallulah LaFitte. I came in here the other day to get my hair dyed honey brown, and it come up like this!
Rochelle: Well, did you have color in your hair before you came in?
Tallulah: So, what if I did? I didn't want my hair to be orange! I look like Ronald BlackDonald!
Rochelle: Well, hair is like crayons, you know? You mix colors, you get new colors. If you don't know what you mixin', you don't know what you're gonna get.
Tallulah: I don't care about no mixin' colors, miss! You need to give me a refund!
Narrator: You need to put those fingers away!
Rochelle: Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the signs?
Tallulah: Then I need to speak to the manager!
Rochelle: She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.
Tallulah: How do you know that?
Rochelle: Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours, it's not our fault.
Narrator: That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.
Tallulah: Ah-ah! This is not over, miss! Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours. A hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [chants in foreign language, then leaves the beauty salon]
Narrator: That was Barack Obama's middle name.
Rochelle: And Obama-lu to you, too!
Rochelle: Well, did you have color in your hair before you came in?
Tallulah: So, what if I did? I didn't want my hair to be orange! I look like Ronald BlackDonald!
Rochelle: Well, hair is like crayons, you know? You mix colors, you get new colors. If you don't know what you mixin', you don't know what you're gonna get.
Tallulah: I don't care about no mixin' colors, miss! You need to give me a refund!
Narrator: You need to put those fingers away!
Rochelle: Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the signs?
Tallulah: Then I need to speak to the manager!
Rochelle: She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.
Tallulah: How do you know that?
Rochelle: Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours, it's not our fault.
Narrator: That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.
Tallulah: Ah-ah! This is not over, miss! Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours. A hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [chants in foreign language, then leaves the beauty salon]
Narrator: That was Barack Obama's middle name.
Rochelle: And Obama-lu to you, too!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris