Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Narrator: I know I look cool on the outside, but on the inside I was doing this.
Chris: (crying) I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE, I PROMISE! I'M NOT A THIEF!! I WANT MY MOMMA!!
Chris: (crying) I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE, I PROMISE! I'M NOT A THIEF!! I WANT MY MOMMA!!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.
Julius: I got a coupon for a free dinner!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll go get dressed.
Tonya: Momma, I have rabies!
Rochelle: DAMN!
Julius: I got Michael Jackson tickets!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll call the sitter.
Drew: Momma, my eye fell out!
Rochelle: DAMN!
Julius: We just won a trip to Miami!
Rochelle: Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!
Chris: Ma, I think I broke my neck.
Rochelle: Damn.
Julius: I got a coupon for a free dinner!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll go get dressed.
Tonya: Momma, I have rabies!
Rochelle: DAMN!
Julius: I got Michael Jackson tickets!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll call the sitter.
Drew: Momma, my eye fell out!
Rochelle: DAMN!
Julius: We just won a trip to Miami!
Rochelle: Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!
Chris: Ma, I think I broke my neck.
Rochelle: Damn.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Would you like to buy some cookies?
Diabetic Black Husband: I'll take four.
Black Wife: What are you doin'? He has diabetes. You tryin' to kill him?!
Diabetic Black Husband: I'll take four.
Black Wife: What are you doin'? He has diabetes. You tryin' to kill him?!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Ms. Morello: Chris, if your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.
Narrator: She acts like it's caviar? It's just cookies! Damn!
Narrator: She acts like it's caviar? It's just cookies! Damn!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that travelling to faraway places was something that only rich people did. At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Caruso: Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.
Narrator: I'd like to sit you under a bus.
Narrator: I'd like to sit you under a bus.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.
Restaurant Manager: It's Father's Day, people! Come on down to Pastures and Shores! The food is half-price! [a family approaches]¡Buenas noches! ¿Cómo se dice half-off?
Narrator: The movies are terrible..
Black Man: [as everyone is running out of the theater] Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!
Narrator: The gifts suck...
White Wife: Ta-daa!
White Husband: What the hell is this?
White Wife: It's a parking space, honey. We got you a parking space!
Narrator: Better park and be happy. And the only song for fathers was this.
[The Temptations sing Papa Was a Rollin' Stone]
Restaurant Manager: It's Father's Day, people! Come on down to Pastures and Shores! The food is half-price! [a family approaches]¡Buenas noches! ¿Cómo se dice half-off?
Narrator: The movies are terrible..
Black Man: [as everyone is running out of the theater] Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!
Narrator: The gifts suck...
White Wife: Ta-daa!
White Husband: What the hell is this?
White Wife: It's a parking space, honey. We got you a parking space!
Narrator: Better park and be happy. And the only song for fathers was this.
[The Temptations sing Papa Was a Rollin' Stone]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: [about Julius] I hope he doesn't leave us for a white girl.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I tried to imagine doin' the things that Greg talked about with my father, like bringin' him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Julius: Are you crazy? Well you better get me some bacon!
Narrator: I thought about takin' my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.
Julius: We're payin' $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?
Julius: Are you crazy? Well you better get me some bacon!
Narrator: I thought about takin' my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.
Julius: We're payin' $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: (About Rochelle's expression) That look means "that's what I tried to tell yo' stupid ass!"
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Louise: Stay away from my granddaughter, you cockeyed hooligan!
Narrator: Turns out older women didn't like me, either.
Narrator: Turns out older women didn't like me, either.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Drew: So, do you miss Keisha?
Narrator: You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?
Chris: Yeah, sort of.
Narrator: You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?
Chris: Yeah, sort of.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: After getting put down by Keisha and stood up by Yvette, I was through having crushes on girls in the neighborhood, and I meant it.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father hated seeming weak. He wouldn't admit to have a headache if he had a hatchet in his head.
Rochelle: Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.
Julius: I'm fine.
Rochelle: No you're not. You're sick.
Julius: I'm good.
Rochelle: No you're not.
Julius: I'm OK.
Rochelle: No, you're trying to die.
Julius: I'm good, OK? Everything, good.
Rochelle: OK, Mr. "I'm Good."
Rochelle: Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.
Julius: I'm fine.
Rochelle: No you're not. You're sick.
Julius: I'm good.
Rochelle: No you're not.
Julius: I'm OK.
Rochelle: No, you're trying to die.
Julius: I'm good, OK? Everything, good.
Rochelle: OK, Mr. "I'm Good."
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Caruso: Upside the head! [smacks Chris in the head]
Narrator: The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
Narrator: The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Louise: You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. That's how I'm doing.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: That look means all seven of the words you can't say on television.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Tasha Clarkson was the new girl next door. Unlike just about every other girl in the neighborhood, she didn't hate me.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender. He always committed crimes. He always got caught. And he always got out. When "Shawshank Redemption" came out, Malvo thought it was a comedy.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.
Rochelle: I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?
Julius: A loom.
Rochelle: What is that?
Julius: A stove.
Rochelle: If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?
Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick.
Rochelle: I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?
Julius: A loom.
Rochelle: What is that?
Julius: A stove.
Rochelle: If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?
Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Doc: They... they let you out?
Malvo: Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.
Narrator: That's like letting the Devil outta hell.
Malvo: Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.
Narrator: That's like letting the Devil outta hell.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Caruso: Hey Bosco, I heard you got a Betamax.
Chris: Yeah? So?
Caruso: I got a movie for you: a comedy. [shows Chris a video tape with the Ku Klux Klan on the cover] "Birth of A Nation." It's hilarious. You'll love it!
Chris: Yeah? So?
Caruso: I got a movie for you: a comedy. [shows Chris a video tape with the Ku Klux Klan on the cover] "Birth of A Nation." It's hilarious. You'll love it!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Man, you didn't even have a real gun?
Malvo: It's hard to rob a gun store, man, they got guns!
Malvo: It's hard to rob a gun store, man, they got guns!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Principal Edwards: Now remember, the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is to understand why he hates you. He needs your help.
Chris: But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?
Principal Edwards: You're helping yourself.
Narrator: Spoken like a true white man.
Chris: But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?
Principal Edwards: You're helping yourself.
Narrator: Spoken like a true white man.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Principal Edwards: You were fighting. Why?
Chris: 'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!
Caruso: That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.
Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.
Caruso: See?
Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!
Chris: 'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!
Caruso: That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.
Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.
Caruso: See?
Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: The next year Drew got a Yankees jersey that said "Mezzie Mackson."
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris