Family Guy Quotes
Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, you can't drink that outside. You're gonna end up in jail. And not the good jail you see on Cinemax. The man jail.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Lois, wanna go out?
Lois Griffin: Oh, Glen, I don't know if I'm ready yet... [Quagmire looks uncomfortable, then smashes the clock. He changes the time on the clock]
Glen Quagmire: Are you ready now?
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin: Right here. [drinks beer]
Peter Griffin: What do I win?
Glen Quagmire: Another beer.
Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score.
Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Charlie: Hey man, your clock won't flush.
TV Show: Family Guy
Good Peter: Hey sorry, man, am I late? What did I miss?
Peter Griffin: Thank God you're here. What do I do?
Bad Good Peter: Tell him to keep lying. He's in too deep.
Good Peter: Well, I don't know... [Looks for good side]
Good Peter: Hey, where's the other guy?
Good Good Peter: [Is stuck on the same highway in his tiny car] Ah, this is unbelieveable!
TV Show: Family Guy
Gun Safety Instructor: Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
TV Show: Family Guy
Man: Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?
Phil: I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours. [both laugh]
Phil: Come on, I'm buyin
TV Show: Family Guy
Man: She's a smoking little pistol, isn't she?
Peter Griffin: Are you a woman?
Man: No. [Peter punches him]
TV Show: Family Guy
Mr. Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air] Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny".
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be black AND Irish.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [after the British guy explains the rules of Cricket to Peter] Does anyone know what this guy's talking about?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette.
Peter Griffin: Then would someone tell this cigarette to shut up!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [as a swim coach] Great workout, Bobby!
Bobby: Up yours, sackbreath.
Peter Griffin: That's *Mister* Griffin.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [as Tom Hanks from Castaway, talking to a ball with a face painted on it] Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! What are we gonna do now? Wilson!
Voigt: The name's Voigt, dumbass!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war. [dead silence]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [doing the laundry] Hey, where's my sock? Hey! [crawls into the dryer and arrives in Narnia]
Goat Man: Welcome to Narnia, I am Mr. Tumnus.
Peter Griffin: Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me... [cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
Control Room Director: You think he's on to us, Christof?
Christof: No, he's an idiot.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven [children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground. [children look horrified]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [is reading very loudly while intoxicated] Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times. [he sees a cop]
Peter Griffin: Aww, crap.
Police Officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter Griffin: [hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading] The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one... [crashes into a bookshelf]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [Lois has explained to Peter that he is a producer, not director] Then what am I supposed to do with my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Because that's what soap is for, Lois.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [opening drawer] Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here! [He opens the book and dances around with it]
Peter Griffin: Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [Peter enters Meg's classroom wearing a towel] Hey Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [Peter has taken a hose to the staircase and sprayed it with water] Hey, Brian, I made a waterslide with the stairs! [goes down the stairs hitting bumps until he hurts himself, and starts crying like a little kid]
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to call the hospital because you wouldn't learn anything if I do.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [Peter is dressed as Gary, the No-Trash Cougar] Pick up your trash! [takes out a gun and waves it around]
Peter Griffin: Pick up your trash!
Peter Griffin: [points to a wayward cup] I wanna know whose cup this is!
Peter Griffin: [fires two shots into the ceiling] I said, I wanna know whose cup this is!
Peter Griffin: [little girl raises her hand] Pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! [little girl picks up the cup]
Peter Griffin: Thank you, sweetie! You see what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in?
Peter Griffin: Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says, "Give a lobbage - throw out your garbage" [fires two more shots into the ceiling]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin. [White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Peter Griffin: [sometime later; answering the door] Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson: [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [Peter's letter to Fox about "Coach", hyphens around the sections that get deleted by TippEx] if you don't put 'coach' back on the air i'll -be really upset. the s- kill -ful acting of- craig t. nelson -will be missed a lot- signed peter griffin
TV Show: Family Guy