Family Guy Quotes
Peter Griffin: [posing as Britney Spears] How about a kiss, Justin?
Justin Timberlake: Uh, sure, Britney. [they kiss, and Peter transforms]
Justin Timberlake: Aaahh!
Peter Griffin: He, he, he, he! I'm Gene Shalit now.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [shouting out the window] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It's three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, she's a woman. I'm proud of her. Yay!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I'm exhausted.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [singing to Lois] Lois, you can't spell Love without L-O, You can't spell is without I-S, you can't spell... silo without Lois.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [singing] Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door] [shouts]
Peter Griffin: I didn't have my hand down my pants!
Lois Griffin: Good for you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [to youth cult] Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party? [They all drink a toast to Peter's idea with a poison-laced punch, then all collapse simultaneously]
Peter Griffin: I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off. [takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants]
Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter Griffin: Oh, god you're self-conscious [Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
Peter Griffin: See, now you're not alone.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: [while peeing into a urinal] Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: 1 million dollars!
Lois Griffin: Brian, that sounded like Peter.
Peter Griffin: Money, money, money!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one. [high-pitched voice]
Peter Griffin: I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: All right, I'll talk to him, Lois. But, uh, you know when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, Think about what you are doing.
Peter Griffin: I am, Your honor Brian will be a great dad. Hell if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is...
Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip.
Peter Griffin: and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon.
Peter Griffin: and Meg's real father's name is...
Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Brian, tape this for me.
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football. [Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape]
FBI Agent: Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
Peter Griffin: Just ABC. [FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Chris is not as smart as you think he is... [Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head]
Chris Griffin: HEY.
Peter Griffin: He did it. [Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Could you sign this book please.
Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins hungry! [swallows Peter whole]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies?
Peter Griffin: Well, I didn't have gas for the first time 'til I was 30. [flashback to Peter in the 1970s, sitting on a beanbag reading]
Peter Griffin: [farting noise]
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Even Walt Disney? [Walt Disney draws Minnie]
Minnie: Do I, do-do I have to? [crying]
Walt Disney: You wanna be a star, don't you? Then take it off! [Minnie tooks her dress off while sobbing]
Walt Disney: Yeah, that's nice.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
TV Show: Family Guy