Frasier Quotes
Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public
Niles: Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
Martin: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.
Niles: Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
Martin: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception
Frasier: Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
Martin: How about you and Lilith?
Frasier: It was a rhetorical question!
Frasier: Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
Martin: How about you and Lilith?
Frasier: It was a rhetorical question!
TV Show: Frasier
When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever
Photographer: How about a kiss?
Niles: All right! I hardly know you, but…
Photographer: How about a kiss?
Niles: All right! I hardly know you, but…
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is just leaving Café Nervosa when Mel arrives to see Niles
Frasier: Ah, Mel.
Mel: (icily) Frasier. You're looking...
Frasier: (hastily) And you. We must do this again. (exits)
Frasier: Ah, Mel.
Mel: (icily) Frasier. You're looking...
Frasier: (hastily) And you. We must do this again. (exits)
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture
Daphne: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
Frasier: Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
Daphne: Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)
Daphne: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
Frasier: Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
Daphne: Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out
Niles: Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment. Not only that; she's going in my car, in my back seat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!
Niles: Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment. Not only that; she's going in my car, in my back seat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Abby: I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad.
Abby: I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad.
TV Show: Frasier
Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm
Frasier: I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
Martin: Don't worry; you are.
Frasier: I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
Martin: Don't worry; you are.
TV Show: Frasier
Abby: I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
[Throws him out of her office.]
Frasier: You still can!
[Throws him out of her office.]
Frasier: You still can!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke
Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
Frasier: No, I do not deserve your friendship.
Niles: I deserve my own table. Excuse me. (exit)
Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
Frasier: No, I do not deserve your friendship.
Niles: I deserve my own table. Excuse me. (exit)
TV Show: Frasier
Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving
Frasier: Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I am available for that concert…
Niles: No, you're not.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I am available for that concert…
Niles: No, you're not.
TV Show: Frasier
Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist
Tewkesbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith?
Tewkesbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith?
TV Show: Frasier
It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived
Niles: He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
Kenny: Stall? (beat) Stall?!
Niles: Yes, like that.
Niles: He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
Kenny: Stall? (beat) Stall?!
Niles: Yes, like that.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat
Chelsea: Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
Daphne: Why, you've never been bored before?
Chelsea: Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
Daphne: Why, you've never been bored before?
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz
Frasier: Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.
Frasier: Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them
Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
Enter Kenny
Kenny: Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)
Martin: (pause) Pretty.
Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
Enter Kenny
Kenny: Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)
Martin: (pause) Pretty.
TV Show: Frasier
Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given
Roz: I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
Frasier: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
Roz: I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
Frasier: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket. The End!
TV Show: Frasier
During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out
Frasier: Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)
Frasier: Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)
TV Show: Frasier
Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy
Niles: I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
William: Okay, which one?
Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov.
Niles: I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
William: Okay, which one?
Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov.
TV Show: Frasier
After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman
Roz: Aww, do you really believe that?
Frasier: Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago!
Roz: Aww, do you really believe that?
Frasier: Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion
Frasier: You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
Martin: I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
Frasier: You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
Martin: I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
TV Show: Frasier
In the midst of the argument
Niles: I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
Daphne: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
Niles: I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
Daphne: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your opera.
Niles: You NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!
Niles: You NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!
TV Show: Frasier
Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic
Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
Roz: No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
Tewkesbury: Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, he's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
Roz: No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
Tewkesbury: Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, he's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
TV Show: Frasier
At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test
Daphne: Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
Morey: It's OK. Dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
Niles and Daphne look taken aback
Morey: I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.
Daphne: Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
Morey: It's OK. Dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
Niles and Daphne look taken aback
Morey: I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz
Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
Frasier: Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
Frasier: Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
TV Show: Frasier