Frasier Quotes
[Frasier and Niles find a skull]
Niles: Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
Frasier: Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
Niles: Why not?
Frasier: Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!
Niles: Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
Frasier: Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
Niles: Why not?
Frasier: Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
Niles: It's pointier.
Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
Niles: It's pointier.
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a washer-dryer. Frasier has discovered an odd sock
Frasier: I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
Daphne: [unperturbed] Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. [exits]
Frasier: I don't have any pinks.
Daphne: [from the kitchen] You will.
Frasier: I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
Daphne: [unperturbed] Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. [exits]
Frasier: I don't have any pinks.
Daphne: [from the kitchen] You will.
TV Show: Frasier
Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff
Carla: (getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten devilled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla...
Carla: Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.
Carla: (getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten devilled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla...
Carla: Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.
TV Show: Frasier
Cliff: What's goin' down, Norm?
Norm: My blood alcohol level. [to his beer] Suds, do your work.
Norm: My blood alcohol level. [to his beer] Suds, do your work.
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier and Roz have slept together]
Frasier: Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
Martin: Your naked body?
Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!
Frasier: Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
Martin: Your naked body?
Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle
Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
Niles: [pause] I insist!
Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
Niles: [pause] I insist!
TV Show: Frasier
Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne
Niles: I'll put you up in a hotel.
Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!
Niles: I'll put you up in a hotel.
Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.
Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
Harry: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
Daphne: You barely know him.
Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.
Harry: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
Daphne: You barely know him.
Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.
TV Show: Frasier
Gertrude: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
Gertrude: [to Roz] You should talk to your daughter. [exits]
Roz: [to Alice] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
Gertrude: [to Roz] You should talk to your daughter. [exits]
Roz: [to Alice] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier attempts to reassure Daphne's mother that a civil ceremony does not mean a Godless union
Frasier: For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
Gertrude: No, He lives at the church!
Frasier: For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
Gertrude: No, He lives at the church!
TV Show: Frasier
[An angry driver waiting behind Frasier's car claims that only rich people can afford to behave the way he is doing]
Frasier: My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
Niles: Yes. [to the driver] I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.
Frasier: My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
Niles: Yes. [to the driver] I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him
Frasier: We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.
Martin: [annoyed] Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.
Frasier: We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.
Martin: [annoyed] Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier, the victim of Bulldog's latest prank, denies having been fooled, then hears a tape of himself]
Frasier: [wailing] My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!
Frasier: [wailing] My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!
TV Show: Frasier
[Martin complains that Frasier makes practical jokes seem like work]
Martin: This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
Frasier: Like when?
Martin: Like the last time we went to the beach!
Martin: This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
Frasier: Like when?
Martin: Like the last time we went to the beach!
TV Show: Frasier
[Jason’s parents call round to Niles' apartment to sort things out]
Beverly White: It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
Niles: You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter. [gestures to Gertrude]
Beverly White: It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
Niles: You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter. [gestures to Gertrude]
TV Show: Frasier
Noel: The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
Noel: Oh, I would! But William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a realphaser.
Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
Noel: Oh, I would! But William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a realphaser.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Star Trek is just a TV show.
Noel: So was Brideshead Revisited!
Frasier: You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!
Noel: So was Brideshead Revisited!
Frasier: You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier has just finished interviewing another candidate and is walking her to the door]
Frasier: Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... [closes the door] of never!
Frasier: Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... [closes the door] of never!
TV Show: Frasier
[Martin is encouraged to hear that Trish is a fan of the Sonics]
Trish: I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
Martin: Not everybody. Or his brother.
Trish: I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
Martin: Not everybody. Or his brother.
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... [closes the door] asteroid hits Earth!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is arguing with the surgeon about Niles' operation
Dr Schaeffer: Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
Frasier: And my expert opinion says otherwise.
Dr Schaeffer: [calm, but annoyed] Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
Frasier: Maybe I will.
Niles: [whining] Dad...
Martin: [paternal] Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
Dr Schaeffer: Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
Frasier: And my expert opinion says otherwise.
Dr Schaeffer: [calm, but annoyed] Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
Frasier: Maybe I will.
Niles: [whining] Dad...
Martin: [paternal] Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
TV Show: Frasier
[Roz encourages Frasier to air his grievances about Christmas]
Roz: Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
Frasier: It's just so egregious!
Roz: Smaller words.
Roz: Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
Frasier: It's just so egregious!
Roz: Smaller words.
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
Frasier: Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you: Copernicus called, and you are not the centre of the universe!
Frasier: Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you: Copernicus called, and you are not the centre of the universe!
TV Show: Frasier
Albert: My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was nervous because I'd turn off white.
Lilith: I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper.
Lilith: I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper.
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Frasier: Would we sleep together?
Lilith: I was thinking we could freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a "yes" or "no"?
Lilith: I was thinking we could freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a "yes" or "no"?
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Frasier: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Martin: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
Martin: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
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[Daphne guards a veiled painting from a curious guest]
Daphne: You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
Daphne: You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
TV Show: Frasier