Frasier Quotes
Roz: God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
Frasier: Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.
Frasier: Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.
Frasier: The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.
TV Show: Frasier
[Niles' bag of flour is showing signs of fire damage after being dried beside the hearth]
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
TV Show: Frasier
[Daphne is dressed up for a date, and is testing her perfume when Niles arrives]
Niles: [sniffs around Daphne] Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier: In every sense of the word!
Niles: [sniffs around Daphne] Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier: In every sense of the word!
TV Show: Frasier
[Martin reveals the truth about MeadowWood Properties' demolition plans while proposing a toast, prompting his sons to down their boilermakers]
Martin: To Duke's!
Regulars: To Duke's!
Frasier: [to Duke] Two more!
Martin: To Duke's!
Regulars: To Duke's!
Frasier: [to Duke] Two more!
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier has declined to make a personal appearance at a hospital.]
Roz: What? You're turning down a hospital?
Frasier: Don't look at me that way.
Roz: Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"
Roz: What? You're turning down a hospital?
Frasier: Don't look at me that way.
Roz: Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. [reads] "Death is inevitable"...
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
Frasier: You don't need guns: you got kidney pie.
Frasier: You don't need guns: you got kidney pie.
TV Show: Frasier
[Despite a shocking revelation about Patterson, Niles is still keen for him to defeat Thorpe]
Niles: Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?
Frasier: At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.
Niles: Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?
Frasier: At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.
TV Show: Frasier
[Martin remembers how he met his wife.]
Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.
Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.
TV Show: Frasier
[Niles' Freudian slip]
Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!…Marriage…I have to go now.
Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!…Marriage…I have to go now.
TV Show: Frasier
[Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]
Lilith: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so manyfaults.
Lilith: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so manyfaults.
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier is angry with Lilith for interrupting his time with Madeline]
Frasier: My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!
Frasier: My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.
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Daphne: I had a mole removed.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Niles: I meant, where on your body?
Daphne: So did I.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Niles: I meant, where on your body?
Daphne: So did I.
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[Confronted with Danny again, Niles is having trouble controlling his anger. Frasier takes him in hand]
Niles: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!
Frasier: No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the bathroom!
Niles: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!
Frasier: No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the bathroom!
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!
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[Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]
Frasier: Who's next, Roz?
Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!
Frasier: Who's next, Roz?
Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!
TV Show: Frasier
[Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated massage]
Roz: Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
Daphne: Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".
Roz: Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
Daphne: Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".
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[Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]
Frasier: It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.
Niles: Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?
Frasier: It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.
Niles: Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?
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Frasier: I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.
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[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]
Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
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[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
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[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]
Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles: I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.
Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles: I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.
TV Show: Frasier
[Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]
Sam: She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
Sam: She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
TV Show: Frasier
[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]
Roz: You slept with her?
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
Roz: You slept with her?
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
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[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]
Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.
Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.
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[Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]
Frasier: I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
Niles: And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?
Frasier: I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
Niles: And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.
TV Show: Frasier