Frasier Quotes
Frasier is having a bad first day at KACL
Frasier: In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!
Frasier: In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!
TV Show: Frasier
Martin is trying to persuade one of his sons to go with him to his platoon reunion
Martin: Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!
Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.
Martin: Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!
Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.
TV Show: Frasier
[Daphne is pretending to be Niles' wife in order to let her ex-fiancé down easily.]
Clive: Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: [pretending to be a retired astronaut] I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!
Clive: Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: [pretending to be a retired astronaut] I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!
TV Show: Frasier
It seems that Bulldog is in love
Bulldog: You know what? I gotta call her. (picks up the phone) No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. (slams phone down) But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. (picks up phone) No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. (puts phone down) I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! (picks up phone before putting it down again) Doc, what should I do?!
Frasier: Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!
Bulldog: You know what? I gotta call her. (picks up the phone) No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. (slams phone down) But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. (picks up phone) No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. (puts phone down) I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! (picks up phone before putting it down again) Doc, what should I do?!
Frasier: Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles is relating an episode from that day
Niles: I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
Frasier: Just tell me when the story ends.
Niles: I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
Frasier: Just tell me when the story ends.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier tells his father the truth about his dream
Frasier: The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.
Martin: You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?
Frasier: The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.
Martin: You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?
TV Show: Frasier
Niles notices Roz checking out a man
Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
TV Show: Frasier
Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolised
Roz: Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
Niles: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
Roz: Well, then, find a subtler way.
Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?
Roz: Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
Niles: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
Roz: Well, then, find a subtler way.
Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?
TV Show: Frasier
While standing in for his brother, Niles finds himself giving useful advice to a listener's cat
Linda: What did you say to him?
Niles: Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality!
Linda: What did you say to him?
Niles: Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality!
TV Show: Frasier
Martin and Daphne have just witnessed the results of Niles' handiwork on Reggie McLemore
Martin: I gotta say: I'm impressed.
Daphne: Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. (Niles grins)
Martin: Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!
Niles: (grin fades) Thanks, Dad.
Martin: I gotta say: I'm impressed.
Daphne: Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. (Niles grins)
Martin: Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!
Niles: (grin fades) Thanks, Dad.
TV Show: Frasier
Roz is comforting Daphne after her break-up, in a way only she knows how
Roz: Now, Daphne, if the jewellery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
Frasier: Dr. Roz wades in with the Gabor approach to therapy!
Roz: Now, Daphne, if the jewellery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
Frasier: Dr. Roz wades in with the Gabor approach to therapy!
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls “The Sure Thing”.
Frasier: How flattering! They've named a bar after her.
Frasier: How flattering! They've named a bar after her.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier asks why Lilith hasn't gone with her husband to a volcano site
Niles: Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
Frasier: (incredulously) As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury!
Niles: Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
Frasier: (incredulously) As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury!
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: Nice neighbourhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.
Lilith: Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.
Lilith: Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: [about Maris] By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.
Frasier: What?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.
Frasier: What?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: [about Maris] She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
Frasier: Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!
Frasier: Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!
TV Show: Frasier
Sherry: Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humour is like medicine!
Niles: (to Frasier) I guess we're in the placebo group.
Niles: (to Frasier) I guess we're in the placebo group.
TV Show: Frasier
Man: You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
Frasier: Of bad water pressure?
Man: No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.
Frasier: Of bad water pressure?
Man: No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: [about Niles' longtime crush on her] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?
Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?
TV Show: Frasier
Roz advises Frasier against running for condo board president
Roz: If somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
Frasier: Have you served on a condo board?
Roz: No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.
Roz: If somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
Frasier: Have you served on a condo board?
Roz: No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: “We know for whom the bell tolls.”
(A distant bell sounds, from the kitchen)
Martin: Anybody else hear that?
(A distant bell sounds, from the kitchen)
Martin: Anybody else hear that?
TV Show: Frasier
Niles is finding this new spontaneous attitude to dating quite exhilarating
Frasier: Feel like a new man?
Niles: I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!
Frasier: Feel like a new man?
Niles: I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!
TV Show: Frasier
Maris phones Niles to tell him he cannot see other people
Niles: You see what's happening here?
Frasier: Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!
Niles: You see what's happening here?
Frasier: Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: [about Martin's chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.
Martin: You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: [about his new pet bird] She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
Martin: Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!
Martin: Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!
TV Show: Frasier
Eddie is dancing, and Martin is very proud
Martin: He's practically doin' a polka.
Frasier: Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.
Martin: He's practically doin' a polka.
Frasier: Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.
TV Show: Frasier