Frasier Quotes
Frederick is returning from a walk with Martin
Frederick: Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
Frasier: No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team.
Martin: They got there later!
Frederick: Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
Frasier: No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team.
Martin: They got there later!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier and Niles are at Café Nervosa discussing the impending softball game. Frederick and Daphne arrive from the amusement park
Frasier: So you see the problem?
Niles: I certainly do!
Frasier: No, that's your problem!
Frasier: So you see the problem?
Niles: I certainly do!
Frasier: No, that's your problem!
TV Show: Frasier
Roz: It's not like she [Bebe] worships the Devil.
Frasier: She doesn't have to. He worships her!
Frasier: She doesn't have to. He worships her!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: (in a spooky voice) Nightmare Inn.
Martin: Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
Niles: So we can stop wondering.
Martin: Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
Niles: So we can stop wondering.
TV Show: Frasier
[Roz and Frasier are acting in a live performance of a radio drama.]
Roz: "There's someone outside that window!"
Frasier: "Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]... the ice cream truck!
Roz: "There's someone outside that window!"
Frasier: "Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]... the ice cream truck!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is very proud after being asked out by two women; Niles is bitter because no one will look twice at him
Frasier: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!
Niles: I think I feel a furball coming up.
Frasier: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!
Niles: I think I feel a furball coming up.
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: [about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...
Niles: Just to play devil's advocate...
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...
Niles: Just to play devil's advocate...
TV Show: Frasier
Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio, and Frasier is in no state to put up with them
Frasier: As we speak, hordes of viralVisigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my…Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
Frasier: As we speak, hordes of viralVisigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my…Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier disapproves of modern society's tendency to hug all the time
Roz: Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!
Roz: Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!
TV Show: Frasier
Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off
Niles: (to Frasier) Anything else in the box, Pandora?!
Niles: (to Frasier) Anything else in the box, Pandora?!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles has had a panic attack and rushed into the toilet. After a sound resembling a gunshot, he emerges covered head to foot in shaving foam
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
Niles: (shaken) I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…
Martin: You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!
Daphne: He was a detective, you know(!)
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
Niles: (shaken) I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…
Martin: You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!
Daphne: He was a detective, you know(!)
TV Show: Frasier
Niles is keeping Frasier waiting for their squash game, by having a doting phone conversation with Maris. Frasier takes action
Niles: Oh, now, Maris. (phone beeps) Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. (switches lines) Hello?
Frasier: (using his landline) Get the hell off the phone!
Niles: Oh, now, Maris. (phone beeps) Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. (switches lines) Hello?
Frasier: (using his landline) Get the hell off the phone!
TV Show: Frasier
Pressing Frasier for an answer to his question, Niles poses a hypothetical situation for him, in which his brother is God
Niles: Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?
Frasier: (glances at Eddie) Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!
Niles: Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?
Frasier: (glances at Eddie) Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death.
Niles: Well, we all have to die of something.
Niles: Well, we all have to die of something.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.
Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.
TV Show: Frasier
Neither Niles nor Martin believe Frasier's story that he is dating a supermodel
Niles: Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?
Martin: Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!
Niles: Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?
Martin: Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier tries desperately to convince his family
Frasier: I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galápagos Islands to artificially inseminateiguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!
Frasier: I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galápagos Islands to artificially inseminateiguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne fills Niles in with Sherry's meat-based plans for the food at Martin's party
Niles: I assume these colourful balloons are for the between-course angioplasty(!)
Niles: I assume these colourful balloons are for the between-course angioplasty(!)
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier comes home to find speaker towers placed around his living room
Frasier: Dear God...It's Stonehenge
Frasier: Dear God...It's Stonehenge
TV Show: Frasier
Sherry loves the new giant screen TV
Sherry: Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.
Frasier: It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)
Sherry: Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.
Frasier: It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: I thought you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.
Niles: Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey!
Martin: Who the hell's that?
Niles: He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.
Martin: Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!
Niles: Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey!
Martin: Who the hell's that?
Niles: He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.
Martin: Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier at the party meeting a woman dressed as Eve from the Bible
Frasier: Let me guess... Lady Godiva?
Eve: No, Eve, from the Bible.
Frasier: Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".
Frasier: Let me guess... Lady Godiva?
Eve: No, Eve, from the Bible.
Frasier: Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier enters Café Nervosa.]
Frasier: Morning, Roz!
Roz: [annoyed] Frasier! What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.
Frasier: Morning, Roz!
Roz: [annoyed] Frasier! What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."
Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.
Martin: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.
Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."
Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.
Martin: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier has just been approached for an autograph in Café Nervosa, and told he is “the smartest guy on the face of the earth”
Frasier: Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? (signs autograph, exit fan) Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.
Frasier: Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? (signs autograph, exit fan) Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne is on the phone trying desperately to renew her passport, and she feels the victim of discrimination
Daphne: No, I’m a resident alien here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!
Martin: You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)
Daphne: No, I’m a resident alien here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!
Martin: You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)
TV Show: Frasier
Martin and Eddie have just come in from the rain, and Eddie has shaken himself dry all over Frasier's recently waxed floor
Frasier: Daphne, get this canine sprinkler out of here!
Daphne: Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”
Frasier: I sincerely doubt that!
Frasier: Daphne, get this canine sprinkler out of here!
Daphne: Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”
Frasier: I sincerely doubt that!
TV Show: Frasier