Frasier Quotes
After Vickie turns him down, Frasier is rather upset. Roz has other things to worry about
Frasier: What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
Roz: Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!
Frasier: What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
Roz: Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles has met a woman who lives in Frasier's building, and things are going well
Niles: I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.
Frasier: Which is more than can be said for your squash game.
Niles: I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.
Frasier: Which is more than can be said for your squash game.
TV Show: Frasier
Martin wants to take Frasier to see Chimps on Ice for his birthday; Frasier wants to stay in and watchCosì fan tutte
Martin: Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.
Frasier: No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.
Martin: Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.
Frasier: No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is still in denial
Frasier: I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
Martin: (to Niles) A couple more days like this, he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institution.
Frasier: I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
Martin: (to Niles) A couple more days like this, he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institution.
TV Show: Frasier
Roz: I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
Roz: Thank you.
Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
Roz: Thank you.
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne is relieved when Martin and Niles arrive, as Frasier is depressed after his disastrous job interview
Daphne: He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden première of Schumann'sSecond Symphony.
Niles: (panics) And you left him alone?!
Daphne: He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden première of Schumann'sSecond Symphony.
Niles: (panics) And you left him alone?!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier announces his alternative plans for the evening, after deciding not to attend the reunion
Frasier: Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new book on tape: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
Daphne: Now who's cursed?!
Frasier: Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new book on tape: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
Daphne: Now who's cursed?!
TV Show: Frasier
[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together.]
Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
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Daphne announces that maybe it is time she moved on, since Martin may not need her help any more
Daphne: I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better.
Daphne: I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better.
TV Show: Frasier
Niles is trying to learn how to smoke, before Stephen Kendall joins him for a cigarette at the interval
Niles: I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of The Petrified Forest.
Frasier: Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.
Niles: I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of The Petrified Forest.
Frasier: Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.
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Frasier decides to attempt a reconciliation with Marie
Frasier: Sometimes the best apology is the truth.
Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
Frasier: (pause) Well, not that truth. Some other truth!
Frasier: Sometimes the best apology is the truth.
Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
Frasier: (pause) Well, not that truth. Some other truth!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles suggests that Frasier may find Marie fascinating because her problems give him a psychiatric challenge
Frasier: Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?
Frasier: Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: (looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper) Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! (laughs)
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Niles tells how he returned Maris' gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over
Niles: She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.
Niles: She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier's date was a disaster, and Maris is threatening to ruin Niles
Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
Frasier: And I won't be!
Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
Frasier: And I won't be!
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Niles has made an emergency stop in his hatchback and fallen off the seat. He is talking to Frasier and Martin on the car phone
Niles: Dad, come quickly! I need your help.
Martin: Oh, my God! What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
Niles: Dad, come quickly! I need your help.
Martin: Oh, my God! What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
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Martin has been on an epic journey through Niles' apartment to bring him some aspirin
Niles: (reads the box) This aspirin's expired.
Martin: Well, it wasn't when I found it.
Niles: (reads the box) This aspirin's expired.
Martin: Well, it wasn't when I found it.
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne chastises Martin for flirting with her friend Pam
Martin: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
Daphne: Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
Martin: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
Daphne: Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
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Niles is suspected of murder after he is seen dumping a body into the sea from a rowing boat
Niles: My wife is alive! She's in Antwerp having her elbows done!
Frasier: Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe that one!
Niles: My wife is alive! She's in Antwerp having her elbows done!
Frasier: Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe that one!
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Niles: Dad, have you seen Frasier's frittata pan?
Martin: (looks at him) Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.
Martin: (looks at him) Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.
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Helen asks Niles to propose a toast, and he is keen to uphold the Jewish façade
Niles: L'Chaim!Mazal Tov! Next year in Jerusalem!
Frasier: [quietly] Take it down a notch, Tevye.
Niles: L'Chaim!Mazal Tov! Next year in Jerusalem!
Frasier: [quietly] Take it down a notch, Tevye.
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This continues when Martin discovers the guests and complains that no one informed him
Frasier: Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
Niles: Oh, all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need the tsuris…
Frasier: Niles! [mouths] Half that!
Frasier: Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
Niles: Oh, all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need the tsuris…
Frasier: Niles! [mouths] Half that!
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Niles has come to the police station to bail Frasier out
Niles: (to the desk sergeant) Excuse me, if you could get our bill together, we're ready to settle up here.
Niles: (to the desk sergeant) Excuse me, if you could get our bill together, we're ready to settle up here.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier sits his son down and tries to explain the trouble he has been in
Frasier: For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
Frederick: Mom's coming?
Frasier: For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
Frederick: Mom's coming?
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Daphne has a new and very powerful vacuum cleaner, but when she tries using it on Martin's chair it breaks down, with a small explosion
Frasier: Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957."
Frasier: Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957."
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Roz has just mimed a Hail Mary pass to help Frasier out when a caller starts talking about American football
Roz: I'm impressed you're so good at charades.
Frasier: I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.
Roz: I'm impressed you're so good at charades.
Frasier: I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.
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Frasier and Roz worry about growing old alone, and Frasier casually suggests a pact
Roz: You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…
Frasier: Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
Roz: I was gonna say kill each other.
Roz: You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…
Frasier: Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
Roz: I was gonna say kill each other.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier returns from a terrible evening at the karaoke bar
Frasier: For starters, Woody sang “What Kind of Fool Am I?” Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”. They were both wrong.
Frasier: For starters, Woody sang “What Kind of Fool Am I?” Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”. They were both wrong.
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Woody has announced he has to leave Seattle ahead of schedule, having learned that his daughter has an ear infection
Frasier: Goodbye, Woods. (closes the door) God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal!
Frasier: Goodbye, Woods. (closes the door) God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal!
TV Show: Frasier