Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Quotes
Phil: I need your...uh, help.
Harvey: Really.
Phil: On my way to work I hit a guy...
Harvey: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
Phil: ...every day this week.
Harvey: Oh... any witnesses?
Phil: : Some kids.
Harvey: Nobody believes kids!
Phil: And a nun.
Harvey: Nobody believes nuns!
Phil: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
Harvey: I'll take the case.
Phil: And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Harvey: YES!
Phil: Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.
Harvey: Oh.
Harvey: Really.
Phil: On my way to work I hit a guy...
Harvey: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
Phil: ...every day this week.
Harvey: Oh... any witnesses?
Phil: : Some kids.
Harvey: Nobody believes kids!
Phil: And a nun.
Harvey: Nobody believes nuns!
Phil: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
Harvey: I'll take the case.
Phil: And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Harvey: YES!
Phil: Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.
Harvey: Oh.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
X, The Eliminator: Birdman! Prepare to meet thy fate!
Harvey: Thy?
Harvey: Thy?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Debbie: Your lunch appointment is here... for tomorrow.
[Harvey looks at his watch that says 9: 00]
[Harvey looks at his watch that says 9: 00]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
X, The Eliminator: Yes, it is I; X, the Eliminator, and only I can rid you of this scourge; Birdman.
FEAR Member 1: What is your price?
X, The Eliminator: One million dollars
FEAR Member: It is agreed; we will give you the money, and in exchange you will bring us the crest of Birdman
X, The Eliminator: ....thats it? for that amount of money I thought I'd have to.. well, y'know; kill him.
FEAR Member 1: Oh, God no.
FEAR Member 2: What are you? Crazy?
FEAR Member 1: What is your price?
X, The Eliminator: One million dollars
FEAR Member: It is agreed; we will give you the money, and in exchange you will bring us the crest of Birdman
X, The Eliminator: ....thats it? for that amount of money I thought I'd have to.. well, y'know; kill him.
FEAR Member 1: Oh, God no.
FEAR Member 2: What are you? Crazy?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Debbie (over intercom): A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]
Harvey: [Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!
Mightor: [On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.
Ding-a-ling: Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]
Ding-a-ling: ...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!
Peanut: You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]
Harvey: [Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!
Mightor: [On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.
Ding-a-ling: Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]
Ding-a-ling: ...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!
Peanut: You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: The man's good name. When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Dingaling...
[a pregnant pause]
Mentok: What?... oh. Oh! you were expecting a joke there. Too easy! Now, if he'd been Peter Peckapickle von Peenie, née Peter Peenie Peckerpickle; Waldo Lang Schnitzeldong; or Sarah Plain-and-Tall - any of those - then we got something! Ha ha ha! Oooooo Weeeee Oooooooooo Weeeeeee-nie.
[a pregnant pause]
Mentok: What?... oh. Oh! you were expecting a joke there. Too easy! Now, if he'd been Peter Peckapickle von Peenie, née Peter Peenie Peckerpickle; Waldo Lang Schnitzeldong; or Sarah Plain-and-Tall - any of those - then we got something! Ha ha ha! Oooooo Weeeee Oooooooooo Weeeeeee-nie.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: ... and it's been brought to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper, you're wasting a ply.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: Wait a minute! VP's don't piddle with the piffle. You're an executive!
Black Vulcan: In your pants?
Phil: To the executive pissoir!
Black Vulcan: In your pants?
Phil: To the executive pissoir!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: Your name was hijacked by a website as well?
Hi Riser: Yes. Yes, it was.
Harvey: Tell us the name of that site.
Hi Riser: Hi Riser dot com.
Harvey: And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more. Many more. I give you: Big Duke, Bigger Duke, Kwicky, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluid Man...
Peanut: [aside] That would be, ew...
Harvey: ...Dirty Dawg, Mother Load, and Galtar.
Gallery: [huh?]
Harvey: And his Golden Lance.
Gallery: [gasp!]
Hi Riser: Yes. Yes, it was.
Harvey: Tell us the name of that site.
Hi Riser: Hi Riser dot com.
Harvey: And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more. Many more. I give you: Big Duke, Bigger Duke, Kwicky, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluid Man...
Peanut: [aside] That would be, ew...
Harvey: ...Dirty Dawg, Mother Load, and Galtar.
Gallery: [huh?]
Harvey: And his Golden Lance.
Gallery: [gasp!]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Peanut: Bling bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!
Harvey: It didn't last as long this time.
Peanut: Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.
Harvey: Gimme the French Stuff.
Peanut: Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!
Harvey: OK OK OK! How much?
Peanut: You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.
Harvey: [tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!
Peanut: And lunch money.
Harvey: But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....
Peanut: You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.
Harvey: Money. Money. I'll get the money!
[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up]
Man in car: Eww. [drives off]
Harvey: Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!
Harvey: It didn't last as long this time.
Peanut: Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.
Harvey: Gimme the French Stuff.
Peanut: Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!
Harvey: OK OK OK! How much?
Peanut: You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.
Harvey: [tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!
Peanut: And lunch money.
Harvey: But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....
Peanut: You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.
Harvey: Money. Money. I'll get the money!
[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up]
Man in car: Eww. [drives off]
Harvey: Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Devlin: Ever hear of "imitatable acts"?
Harvey: Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.
Harvey: Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: [while looking for genitalia on Avenger] Peanut, have you ever seen any 'thingies' on Avenger. Swingy thingies?
Mightor: Deedleleedlelee.
Mightor: Deedleleedlelee.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: [after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!
Peanut: Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]
Peanut: Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil Ken Sebben: "Birdman! You're Fi...Ernie Devlin?"
Devlin: "Yo!"
Phil Ken Sebben: "It's me, Phil!"
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Ken!"
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Seb..."
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Ben..."
Devlin: [Asleep]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Phil."
Devlin: "Yo!"
Phil Ken Sebben: "It's me, Phil!"
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Ken!"
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Seb..."
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Ben..."
Devlin: [Asleep]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Phil."
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Devlin: Is it hot in here... or was I just engulfed in flames? And broads?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: My client, a private investigator...
Mentok: Colloquially known as a...?
Harvey: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?
Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say, "dick."
Mentok: Which would make you an...?
Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs] Inch-high dick.
Mentok: Colloquially known as a...?
Harvey: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?
Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say, "dick."
Mentok: Which would make you an...?
Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs] Inch-high dick.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Inch-High, Private Eye: [has just been enlarged to a normal-sized human being] "Be right back!"
Inch-High, Private Eye: [is now in line at an amusement park where it says "you must be this tall to ride"] Again.
Amusement park worker: Please step onto the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: I'm sorry, what?
Amusement park worker: Get on the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: Again.
Inch-High, Private Eye: [Back in the courthouse] As I was saying...
Inch-High, Private Eye: [is now in line at an amusement park where it says "you must be this tall to ride"] Again.
Amusement park worker: Please step onto the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: I'm sorry, what?
Amusement park worker: Get on the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: Again.
Inch-High, Private Eye: [Back in the courthouse] As I was saying...
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Gigi: [emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!
Phil: You sure did!
Harvey: Ha, aha...
Phil: Multiple entendre.
Gigi: Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!
Harvey: Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?
Phil: Your desk lamp. Here.
Potamus: [emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?
Phil: You sure did!
Harvey: Ha, aha...
Phil: Multiple entendre.
Gigi: Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!
Harvey: Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?
Phil: Your desk lamp. Here.
Potamus: [emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: BIRDMAN! That little man... where is he? I must find him. Find him and destroy him! He's so... perfectly miniature. I hate him.
[Birdman starts slapping Reducto]
Reducto: I love him. [slap] I hate him. [slap] I love him, AND hate him! [falls to Birdman's knees crying, Inch High peeks out of Birdman's pants] Oh, please, Birdman, put it away. I like the little hat, though. Tres chic.
[Birdman starts slapping Reducto]
Reducto: I love him. [slap] I hate him. [slap] I love him, AND hate him! [falls to Birdman's knees crying, Inch High peeks out of Birdman's pants] Oh, please, Birdman, put it away. I like the little hat, though. Tres chic.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Inch-High takes off his towel in the sauna]
Phil: Ha ha, not to scale.
Phil: Ha ha, not to scale.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mentok: Let's see here, ARBITRATION. [talking is high voice]Thats for people who are too teeny to go to court, teeny wiennie, peenie.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.
Funky Phantom: That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!
Harvey: [laughs] We're trying.
Funky Phantom: And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?
Peanut: Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.
Funky Phantom: That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!
Harvey: [laughs] We're trying.
Funky Phantom: And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?
Peanut: Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: [regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?
Harvey: Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.
Phil: You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.
Harvey: Plus, I don't think he understands English.
Phil: Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!
Harvey: [now has a white stain on his shoulder]
Phil: Nope! I think he understands plenty!
Harvey: Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.
Phil: You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.
Harvey: Plus, I don't think he understands English.
Phil: Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!
Harvey: [now has a white stain on his shoulder]
Phil: Nope! I think he understands plenty!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: [to Avenger at his going-away party] So. Twenty years, huh?
Avenger: Caw.
[long silence]
Potamus: This blows! Who's up for a Hooter's run?
Bear: *grunt*
Potamus: What? Hooter's? For the bird? It's an owl reference!
Reducto: Big bosoms make me nauseous.
Avenger: Caw.
[long silence]
Potamus: This blows! Who's up for a Hooter's run?
Bear: *grunt*
Potamus: What? Hooter's? For the bird? It's an owl reference!
Reducto: Big bosoms make me nauseous.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Funky Phantom: My name is Funky! But if you funk with me, you'll take a one-way ride in my SUV!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Jane: Hard day at the button, dear?.
George: Oh, it was brutal...brutal! I had to push the button on and off five times. That Spacely's a slavedriver.
George: Oh, it was brutal...brutal! I had to push the button on and off five times. That Spacely's a slavedriver.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: [searching for his keys] Let's see. Gum wrapper... pocket lint... lighter... ooo flamethrower... ring of power... don't know what that is... roll of quarters, wait that's not roll of...ah, here they are. [trying to put the key in the keyhole] Okay... all right... here we go... and opening... on one... next time... spatial relationships... okey doke... come to papa... male end, female end... [opens door].
THREATNING RIFF:
Phil: My office! Burgled, plundered, purloined! Ha ha ha... loins.
THREATNING RIFF:
Phil: My office! Burgled, plundered, purloined! Ha ha ha... loins.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law