Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Quotes
Harvey: Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey: Um... Evolution?
[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey: Um... Evolution?
[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you... do you think you're descended from... apes? From filthy animals, covered in fur, hair everywhere on their body? Hair that grows back even if we spend hours each day removing one by one any offending follicle from our face or chest or worse, back? With tweezers or dare I say more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing? FULL BRAZILIAN!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Harvey is in a stall in the bathroom]
Birdman: [sighs]
Potamus: That you Birdman?
Birdman: You know, now is not a great time.
Potamus: Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?
Birdman: No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I never gotten that thing you sent me and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me, EVER, I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]
Potamus: [wimpers]
Birdman: Hey, hey. I'm, I'm sorry.
Potamus: [cries out]
Birdman: I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.
Potamus: [bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT HIM!
Birdman: [sighs]
Potamus: That you Birdman?
Birdman: You know, now is not a great time.
Potamus: Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?
Birdman: No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I never gotten that thing you sent me and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me, EVER, I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]
Potamus: [wimpers]
Birdman: Hey, hey. I'm, I'm sorry.
Potamus: [cries out]
Birdman: I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.
Potamus: [bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT HIM!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Falcon Seven: Birdman, we need your help! Reducto threatens the entire populace and demands to see you.
Birdman: I have no choice but to go to him.
Falcon Seven: Actually, before you go there I was wondering if you could swing by here first.
Birdman: Why? What is it?
Falcon Seven: Well, I can't move my right arm. Uhhh… Ghaa! Ooh-ahh, grhaa, guh-OOOY-guh-gah! Nope. Could be lockjaw.
Birdman: I'll be right there, Falcon Seven, after I deal with Reducto.
Falcon Seven: [mumbled through increasingly immoble teeth] Wait, Birdman! I said come here first!
Birdman: I have no choice but to go to him.
Falcon Seven: Actually, before you go there I was wondering if you could swing by here first.
Birdman: Why? What is it?
Falcon Seven: Well, I can't move my right arm. Uhhh… Ghaa! Ooh-ahh, grhaa, guh-OOOY-guh-gah! Nope. Could be lockjaw.
Birdman: I'll be right there, Falcon Seven, after I deal with Reducto.
Falcon Seven: [mumbled through increasingly immoble teeth] Wait, Birdman! I said come here first!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: Oh sweet teensy bliss; goodbye, large world! [while being shot with his shrink gun]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mentok: You're no longer in control of your mind, and your wings are missing too.
Harvey: I am no longer in control of my mind, and my wings are missing too.
Mentok: Ehh, you don't have to repeat what I'm saying.
Harvey: I don't have to repeat what you're saying.
Mentok: I mean it stop it.
Harvey: I mean it stop it... You mean it stop it
Mentok: Okay, lets try this: you only do it when I say "Mentok Says," okay?
Harvey: [is silent]
Mentok: Okay, good.
Harvey: Okay, good.
Mentok: I didn't say "Mentok says."
Harvey: You didn't say..
Harvey: I am no longer in control of my mind, and my wings are missing too.
Mentok: Ehh, you don't have to repeat what I'm saying.
Harvey: I don't have to repeat what you're saying.
Mentok: I mean it stop it.
Harvey: I mean it stop it... You mean it stop it
Mentok: Okay, lets try this: you only do it when I say "Mentok Says," okay?
Harvey: [is silent]
Mentok: Okay, good.
Harvey: Okay, good.
Mentok: I didn't say "Mentok says."
Harvey: You didn't say..
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Falcon Seven: Birdman! A madman has stolen a sensitive military test rocket!
Birdman: But Falcon Seven, I'm decoupaging! If I leave now, it may bubble!
Falcon Seven: We need you, Birdman!
Birdman: Auuggghhh!
Birdman: But Falcon Seven, I'm decoupaging! If I leave now, it may bubble!
Falcon Seven: We need you, Birdman!
Birdman: Auuggghhh!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Falcon Seven: Birdman! A madman is causing earthquakes!
Birdman: Auuggghhh!
Falcon Seven: Birdman! A pirate is looting some booty!
A neanderthal is leaving doody!
A drag queen is singing some Judy!
A mad scientist is freez…
[Falcon Seven is frozen mid-sentence, then Birdman thaws him out]
…Ha ha ha! Ing!
Birdman: That's it, Falcon Seven! I quit!
Falcon Seven: Quit? And do what?
Birdman: I don't know, a regular job, like normal people have, a desk job with normal clothes and regular work, work you get paid for…
[cut to present day]
Phil Ken Sebben: [over intercom] Birdman, get in here! A Mr. Peebles is suing Mr. Dibble!
Birdman: Sigh!
Robert Osborne: And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and of course the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.
Birdman: Auuggghhh!
Falcon Seven: Birdman! A pirate is looting some booty!
A neanderthal is leaving doody!
A drag queen is singing some Judy!
A mad scientist is freez…
[Falcon Seven is frozen mid-sentence, then Birdman thaws him out]
…Ha ha ha! Ing!
Birdman: That's it, Falcon Seven! I quit!
Falcon Seven: Quit? And do what?
Birdman: I don't know, a regular job, like normal people have, a desk job with normal clothes and regular work, work you get paid for…
[cut to present day]
Phil Ken Sebben: [over intercom] Birdman, get in here! A Mr. Peebles is suing Mr. Dibble!
Birdman: Sigh!
Robert Osborne: And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and of course the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: [showing the triplets how to tie a knot] The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, sees a lady rabbit and invites her back to the waren, but then remembers he's married, so he takes a detour to that little motel out on the interstate.
Spewie: What else can you teach us Mr. Phil?
Phil: Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?
[the triplets cheer]
Phil: Alright. Lesson number 1, choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me, has to be realistic, now.
[Potamus falls over choking in the background]
Spewie: What else can you teach us Mr. Phil?
Phil: Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?
[the triplets cheer]
Phil: Alright. Lesson number 1, choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me, has to be realistic, now.
[Potamus falls over choking in the background]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Potamus: Shhh... Shhh... Birdman, Shhh... Shhh... Shhent ya
Harvey: But I don't know what I'm doing.
Potamus: Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closly to what I'm about to say to you.
Harvey: Okay...
Potamus: Promise you're going to listen to these words with all your heart.
Harvey: Okay.
Potamus: Do you have inside you here...?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need in life that will guide you through it all?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Do you have that one thing...?
Harvey: What thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!
Potamus: It's that thing... that I sent... to you.
Harvey: But I don't know what I'm doing.
Potamus: Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closly to what I'm about to say to you.
Harvey: Okay...
Potamus: Promise you're going to listen to these words with all your heart.
Harvey: Okay.
Potamus: Do you have inside you here...?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need in life that will guide you through it all?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Do you have that one thing...?
Harvey: What thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!
Potamus: It's that thing... that I sent... to you.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Spyro: So, Mr. Dum-Dum, please tell us what happened on the morning of the 24th.
Dum-Dum: Der, well, it was a Thursday. Thursday's the garbage day in our house.
Mentok: [Aside] This is my life. This... is what it's come to. Off the charts IQ, best schools in the galaxy, and I'm stuck here with Butter-Boob and Nit-Snicky.
Dum-Dum: Der, well, it was a Thursday. Thursday's the garbage day in our house.
Mentok: [Aside] This is my life. This... is what it's come to. Off the charts IQ, best schools in the galaxy, and I'm stuck here with Butter-Boob and Nit-Snicky.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mentok: [To the dog and Spyro, who have swapped minds] You two, scat. I wanna lock up.
Dog: I'll bite you on the ass. Growl.
Mentok: Fine, I'll switch you back, spoilsport. Booweeoop.
[an unearthy voice utters 'MENTOK' as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]
Mentok: [Points to Spyro] You, speak. [Spyro barks] Uh,oh and you? [dog barks]
Dog: I'll bite you on the ass. Growl.
Mentok: Fine, I'll switch you back, spoilsport. Booweeoop.
[an unearthy voice utters 'MENTOK' as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]
Mentok: [Points to Spyro] You, speak. [Spyro barks] Uh,oh and you? [dog barks]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Spyro: [With the mind of a child] I had a bad dream. I wanna' sleep with you!
Mentok: [Grinning] Who doesn't?
Mentok: [Grinning] Who doesn't?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mentok: Y'know, two dates...two nights...people will start a-talkin'. Are you comfortable?
Gigi: Not with these clothes on. They're so tight and...clothesy.
[Gigi rips off her dress]
Mentok: [grinning] This is why I came to Earth [shakes fist at sky] Take that, Momtok!
Gigi: Not with these clothes on. They're so tight and...clothesy.
[Gigi rips off her dress]
Mentok: [grinning] This is why I came to Earth [shakes fist at sky] Take that, Momtok!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mentok: All right. Your judge had a frustrating, frustrating night last night so I'd appreciate it if everybody just played nicey-nice.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Harvey has a stack of documents to be copied]
Harvey: Morning! Can I really get this in an hour?
Elliott: Yes, sir. We'll have it done in two hours.
Harvey: Ah, okay! Great! Two hours!
Elliott: Come on back in four hours and we'll have it all ready for you.
Harvey: Morning! Can I really get this in an hour?
Elliott: Yes, sir. We'll have it done in two hours.
Harvey: Ah, okay! Great! Two hours!
Elliott: Come on back in four hours and we'll have it all ready for you.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Elliott: Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Baffacch! Baffacch! Just the latest in a long series of duplication slights. [Cut to a photo shop] First, there was his ridiculous refusal to accept the second set of photo prints. Clerk #1: Want twin shots?
Harvey: One print's fine.
Elliott: [in a video rental store] Then... Elliott: Do you have Double Indemnity?
Clerk #2: [pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.
Elliott: Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.
[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]
Elliott: Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge—getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott—two l's and two t's. I have two of everything, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!
Harvey: One print's fine.
Elliott: [in a video rental store] Then... Elliott: Do you have Double Indemnity?
Clerk #2: [pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.
Elliott: Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.
[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]
Elliott: Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge—getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott—two l's and two t's. I have two of everything, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Elliott: (thinking) His boss didn't manage to rid the world of the scourge of Birdman. I must make more copies of him to shoot, and this time he will eliminate the real Birdman.
X: Chose another verb, buddy!
Elliott: (thinking) Oh, ah sorry. He will kill the real Birdman.
X: Better.
X: Chose another verb, buddy!
Elliott: (thinking) Oh, ah sorry. He will kill the real Birdman.
X: Better.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdmans: I/we know what you've been up to, Elliott, or should I say "the Deadly Duplicator". Your reproductive days are over!
Hiram Mightor[quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.
Elliott: We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.
Hiram Mightor[quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.
Elliott: We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil Ken Sebben: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, and from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip-malls should be. Cookies on dowels. All those moments lost in time; gone like eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Voice over: Sebben and Sebben gives back to the community in a number of ways, our support of the arts featuring the annual Sebben and Sebben Shakespeare festival
[Phil is is alone on a stage, dressed as Hamlet.]
Phil: To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]
Voice over: And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.
[Phil is is alone on a stage, dressed as Hamlet.]
Phil: To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]
Voice over: And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Explaining the five steps to success at Sebben & Sebben]
Voice over: Identifying that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Setting your sights on that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Reaching for that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Getting that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] You get that thing?
Voice over: Recognition for getting that thing
Potamus: [echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.
Voice over: Identifying that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Setting your sights on that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Reaching for that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Getting that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] You get that thing?
Voice over: Recognition for getting that thing
Potamus: [echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Sebben & Sebben Motto - Printed on handy key fob]
Putting clients first by putting employees first. Immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibility and leveraging profitability toward exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
Putting clients first by putting employees first. Immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibility and leveraging profitability toward exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[7 Habits of Highly Flatulent People]
Denial, Acceptance, Getting There, Cover-up, Solutions, Reforms, Exploiting your Talents
Denial, Acceptance, Getting There, Cover-up, Solutions, Reforms, Exploiting your Talents
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: You ever seen It's a Wonderful Life? Even that Bailey bastard couldn't screw this up!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Elliott: These will be your office supplies: pencil sharpeners, two; three-hole punch, two; shredders, two; staples, two; stapler, one — oh, crap! — folders, two; paper clips, two. You'll get two of everything. Don't tell me two of some things is too much and two of other things are "too little"! I don't care, for I am the Deadly Duplica...
Voice-over: (cutting him off) Proper conduct...
Voice-over: (cutting him off) Proper conduct...
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. I was busy counting my large sums of money. Ever get a paper cut from a $7,000 bill? Doesn't tickle. But you'll never have to worry about that!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Sexual Harassment Section]
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The correct way is:
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The difference? This time, he's unplugged the security camera in the corner, which means there's no evidence of this encounter.
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The correct way is:
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The difference? This time, he's unplugged the security camera in the corner, which means there's no evidence of this encounter.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law