Home Improvement Quotes
Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?
Tim: You bet!
Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
Brad: Aww, man
Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Want to help?
Randy: No.
Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?
Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.
Tim: You bet!
Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
Brad: Aww, man
Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Want to help?
Randy: No.
Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?
Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share in the household responsibilities, right?
Mark: What's 'enlightened'?
Randy: It means scared of Mom.
Mark: What's 'enlightened'?
Randy: It means scared of Mom.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: [about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Brad: I don't have a woman.
Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
Randy: Your Mom can't be your woman, stupid!
Tim: A lotta guys pay shrinks a lotta money to figure that out!
Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
Randy: Your Mom can't be your woman, stupid!
Tim: A lotta guys pay shrinks a lotta money to figure that out!
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.
Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!
Randy: They made me a sheep.
Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!
Randy: They made me a sheep.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Mark: So Santa is alive?
Jill: Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?
Tim: He's really fast for a fat guy!
Jill: Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?
Tim: He's really fast for a fat guy!
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.
Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.
Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: We're keeping score.
Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
Jill: Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?
Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?
Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
Jill: Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?
Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.
Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?
Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: [Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?
Tim: It's a little piece of table.
Randy: What happened?
Tim: Well, Mr. Negativity Al distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.
Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?
Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]
Tim: You notice, I'm not laughing.
Jill(trying to regain composure): It's ok, we'll be good. Randy, s-s-set the table.
Randy: OK. Dad, bend over!
Tim: It's a little piece of table.
Randy: What happened?
Tim: Well, Mr. Negativity Al distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.
Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?
Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]
Tim: You notice, I'm not laughing.
Jill(trying to regain composure): It's ok, we'll be good. Randy, s-s-set the table.
Randy: OK. Dad, bend over!
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: [with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
Karen: No, they also glue.
Karen: No, they also glue.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!
Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?
Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.
Tim: Now you're talking.
Tim: Now you're talking.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?
Brad & Randy: No.
Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."
Brad & Randy: No.
Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: [to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!
Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!
Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?
Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?
Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim': Are you insinuating this is my fault?
Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.
Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: [after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?
Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.
Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.
Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.
Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?
Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.
Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.
Tim: What's your point?
Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?
Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.
Tim: What's your point?
Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?
Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.
Tim: Where are they now?
Eddie: On a window sill.
Tim: You didn't throw them out?
Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.
Tim: Where are they now?
Eddie: On a window sill.
Tim: You didn't throw them out?
Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.
Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.
Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.
Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: What are you up to?
Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.
Tim: Yeah? Of who?
Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.
Tim: Yeah? Of who?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.
Jill: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.
Jill: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.
Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.
Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.
Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.
Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
Fred: Three.
Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.
Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.
Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
Fred: Three.
Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?
Randy: The Fire Department?
Randy: The Fire Department?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?
TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: We have a very special show for you today.
Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.
Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.
TV Show: Home Improvement