Home Movies Quotes
Brendon: So I just feel like I'm in the way... of Mitch & Lonny.
Paula: Brendon.
Brendon: Yeah?
Paula: You're 8 years old. You need to remember to bring your homework folder to school everyday. You need to remember to wash your hands before you eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner & snack. And you need to worry about all this...
Paula: Brendon.
Brendon: Yeah?
Paula: You're 8 years old. You need to remember to bring your homework folder to school everyday. You need to remember to wash your hands before you eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner & snack. And you need to worry about all this...
TV Show: Home Movies
Jason [As Louis Braille]: I'm going to get a house with a nice view of the ocean.
Brendon [As Louis Pasteur]: But you're blind.
Jason: Well, my entire family isn't blind. Did you ever think of that?
Brendon: Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
Brendon [As Louis Pasteur]: But you're blind.
Jason: Well, my entire family isn't blind. Did you ever think of that?
Brendon: Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon [As Louis Pasteur]: We are two great men from France, both named Louis!
TV Show: Home Movies
From Dwayne's Franz Kafka rock opera:
Livin' like a bug ain't easy
My old clothes don't seem to fit me
I got little tiny bug feet
I don't really know what bugs eat
Don't want no one steppin' on me
Now I'm sympathizin' with fleas
Livin' like a bug ain't easy
My old clothes don't seem to fit me
I got little tiny bug feet
I don't really know what bugs eat
Don't want no one steppin' on me
Now I'm sympathizin' with fleas
TV Show: Home Movies
Melissa: (reading McGuirk’s date ad) Handsome, sophisticated, man. Enjoys fine wine and lots of it…
McGuirk: Yeah, I love that.
Melissa: (continue reading) Seeks beautiful woman for long walks.(stops reading)That’s really sweet, Coach McGuirk.
McGuirk: I changed it from enjoys alcohol.
Melissa: It sounds nicer.
McGuirk: I have to boil down my whole personality in one huge lie.
Melissa: You did a good job.
McGuirk: Well, thanks.
McGuirk: Yeah, I love that.
Melissa: (continue reading) Seeks beautiful woman for long walks.(stops reading)That’s really sweet, Coach McGuirk.
McGuirk: I changed it from enjoys alcohol.
Melissa: It sounds nicer.
McGuirk: I have to boil down my whole personality in one huge lie.
Melissa: You did a good job.
McGuirk: Well, thanks.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: What do you mean, uh, you can’t make it?
Melissa: Well, I’m going to visit my grandfather in the nursing home.
Brendon: Do you have to go?
Melissa: No, but I like visiting him. I mean, he’s really old, but he’s really nice.
Brendon: For your own sake, do not go because, you know, it’s not healthy for you to be hanging around with old people because, you know, you could catch an old person’s disease and, uh, suddenly become old.
Melissa: Well, I’m going to visit my grandfather in the nursing home.
Brendon: Do you have to go?
Melissa: No, but I like visiting him. I mean, he’s really old, but he’s really nice.
Brendon: For your own sake, do not go because, you know, it’s not healthy for you to be hanging around with old people because, you know, you could catch an old person’s disease and, uh, suddenly become old.
TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: Uh, Brendon, my grandfather calls me Debbie and tries to kiss me.
(Brendon and Melissa looked at him shocked)
Jason: No, my grandfather was, um, a surgeon and lost a, well, malpractice suit because he cut off the wrong leg.
Melissa: That’s awful!
Brendon: It’s…it’s terrible, Jason.
Jason: Yeah, that’s what the patient said but it was a little more angry.
Melissa: Is your grandfather still a surgeon?
Jason: No. That’s the short story. The long story is that now he is a very successful, uh, malpractice lawyer.
(Brendon and Melissa looked at him shocked)
Jason: No, my grandfather was, um, a surgeon and lost a, well, malpractice suit because he cut off the wrong leg.
Melissa: That’s awful!
Brendon: It’s…it’s terrible, Jason.
Jason: Yeah, that’s what the patient said but it was a little more angry.
Melissa: Is your grandfather still a surgeon?
Jason: No. That’s the short story. The long story is that now he is a very successful, uh, malpractice lawyer.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: Melissa’s dad is going to ask for his money back and I’ve already spent it and he hasn’t even paid me yet.
TV Show: Home Movies
Erik: Brendon, is this some sort of joke?
Brendon: Uh, um, uh…yeah.
Melissa: Brendon, how could you?
Brendon: Um, Jason. What did you do…to the video, Jason?
(everybody looks at Jason who is already eating the birthday cake)
Jason: Um…
Brendon: Uh, um, uh…yeah.
Melissa: Brendon, how could you?
Brendon: Um, Jason. What did you do…to the video, Jason?
(everybody looks at Jason who is already eating the birthday cake)
Jason: Um…
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: There’s two kinds of funny, Brendon, Right?
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: There’s mean funny, which is, you know when you make fun of someone and get laughs at their expense. Like stuffing that nerdy kid in a locker. What’s his name?
Brendon: Um…Brian?
McGuirk: Carlo, the Italian kid.
Brendon: Alright, Carlo.
McGuirk: With the funny accent. That’s funny, too. Accents are funny.
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: There’s mean funny, which is, you know when you make fun of someone and get laughs at their expense. Like stuffing that nerdy kid in a locker. What’s his name?
Brendon: Um…Brian?
McGuirk: Carlo, the Italian kid.
Brendon: Alright, Carlo.
McGuirk: With the funny accent. That’s funny, too. Accents are funny.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: Then there’s nice funny--like maybe a little light sarcasm or a clever twist or a knock-knock joke. I like those. You like those?
Brendon: Um…
McGuirk: Knock-knock.
Brendon: Huh.
McGuirk: Brendon. Knock-knock. I’m doing a knock-knock joke. Knock-knock.
Brendon: Uh, hello.
McGuirk: what do you mean, hello? You say who’s there? Brendon. Do you knock a knock-knock joke?
Brendon: Yeah, uh…
McGuirk: I say knock-knock you say who’s there?
Brendon: Yeah, right. I’m not a big fan of…
McGuirk: You know what? Do it. Knock-knock.
Brendon: Who’s there?
McGuirk: No, wait a minute, you say knock-knock.
Brendon: I don’t…knock-knock.
McGuirk: Who’s there?
Brendon: I don’t know.
McGuirk: I don’t know who?
Brendon: I don’t know, I hate this joke.
McGuirk: That’s not funny. It’s got to be a pun or something. You know what? Forget it. Where was I? Oh, yeah, nice funny.
Brendon: Um…
McGuirk: Knock-knock.
Brendon: Huh.
McGuirk: Brendon. Knock-knock. I’m doing a knock-knock joke. Knock-knock.
Brendon: Uh, hello.
McGuirk: what do you mean, hello? You say who’s there? Brendon. Do you knock a knock-knock joke?
Brendon: Yeah, uh…
McGuirk: I say knock-knock you say who’s there?
Brendon: Yeah, right. I’m not a big fan of…
McGuirk: You know what? Do it. Knock-knock.
Brendon: Who’s there?
McGuirk: No, wait a minute, you say knock-knock.
Brendon: I don’t…knock-knock.
McGuirk: Who’s there?
Brendon: I don’t know.
McGuirk: I don’t know who?
Brendon: I don’t know, I hate this joke.
McGuirk: That’s not funny. It’s got to be a pun or something. You know what? Forget it. Where was I? Oh, yeah, nice funny.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: You know, what you did to Melissa’s grandfather was mean funny, Brendon.
Brendon Okay.
McGuirk: Putting a wig and makeup on some old man while he’s sleeping.
Brendon: Yeah, but I…
McGuirk: Did you put lipstick on him?
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You did? That’s good. Did you push the call button or do the bed thing where, you know, you go up and down?
Brendon: He’s in pretty bad shape…no, we didn’t impair his health.
McGuirk: Oh.
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: That’s how my grandfather died.
Brendon Okay.
McGuirk: Putting a wig and makeup on some old man while he’s sleeping.
Brendon: Yeah, but I…
McGuirk: Did you put lipstick on him?
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You did? That’s good. Did you push the call button or do the bed thing where, you know, you go up and down?
Brendon: He’s in pretty bad shape…no, we didn’t impair his health.
McGuirk: Oh.
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: That’s how my grandfather died.
TV Show: Home Movies
Erik: Ever read a book called An actor prepares?
McGuirk: You know, I’ve only read one book in the last seven years and that was not it.
McGuirk: You know, I’ve only read one book in the last seven years and that was not it.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: All right, Brendon, can we do my thing now?
Brendon: Yeah, you know, that’s fine.
McGuirk: I’ll just change right here.
(McGuirk takes his clothes off)
Brendon: Yeah, okay.
McGuirk: It’s not my neighborhood.
Brendon: Right.
Brendon: Yeah, you know, that’s fine.
McGuirk: I’ll just change right here.
(McGuirk takes his clothes off)
Brendon: Yeah, okay.
McGuirk: It’s not my neighborhood.
Brendon: Right.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: Hey, ladies, uh, my name is John McGuirk. I, uh, am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level and I own a nice car though I do not currently have legal access to it. Um, as you can see, I used to be in good shape and, uh, in the last two years I’ve successfully completed four out of five rehab programs. The kind of woman I’m interested in is the one, I guess, who’s still watching this video.
Brendon: Cut. I’m going to stop you right there.
McGuirk: What’s? That was, uh, that was not good or…
Brendon: We got it. We got this.
Erik: I think you nailed it.
Brendon: Cut. I’m going to stop you right there.
McGuirk: What’s? That was, uh, that was not good or…
Brendon: We got it. We got this.
Erik: I think you nailed it.
TV Show: Home Movies
[Filming a series of dating videos.]
[Camera cuts to Erik.]
Erik: My ideal woman is one who cares about the world plus fifteen percent.
[Camera cuts to Jason, who is picking his nose.]
[Camera cuts to Brendon.]
Brendon: I'd like a tall woman. About my height.
[Camera cuts to McGurik.]
McGuirk: My ideal woman is my mother, actually, who I hate.
[Camera cuts to Melissa's Grandad.]
Melissa's Grandad: I want a young woman who can cut my toe nails.
[Camera cuts to Erik.]
Erik: I want a woman who cares about me and not my money... Although I'll give you fifty dollars.
[Camera cuts to Erik.]
Erik: My ideal woman is one who cares about the world plus fifteen percent.
[Camera cuts to Jason, who is picking his nose.]
[Camera cuts to Brendon.]
Brendon: I'd like a tall woman. About my height.
[Camera cuts to McGurik.]
McGuirk: My ideal woman is my mother, actually, who I hate.
[Camera cuts to Melissa's Grandad.]
Melissa's Grandad: I want a young woman who can cut my toe nails.
[Camera cuts to Erik.]
Erik: I want a woman who cares about me and not my money... Although I'll give you fifty dollars.
TV Show: Home Movies
Judge: So you were riding your bike on the wrong side of the street. What were you thinking, Brendon?
Brendon: Nothing. Oh, wait, I was trying to remember the name of the guy who played Tron, in Tron.
Brendon: Nothing. Oh, wait, I was trying to remember the name of the guy who played Tron, in Tron.
TV Show: Home Movies
Judge: You say one more word and I'll hold you in contempt.
Coach McGuirk: Oh, it was Bruce Boxleitner.
Brendon: Right! Thank you!
Coach McGuirk: Oh, it was Bruce Boxleitner.
Brendon: Right! Thank you!
TV Show: Home Movies
[Melissa and Jason continue to argue over the jokes for their script]
Brendon: You know what? This is hard, and I think I hate doing this.
Brendon: You know what? This is hard, and I think I hate doing this.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: OK, I'll do the community service. And Mom, I'll help you pay for the damages. But let me say this: I have learned absolutely nothing. Good day.
Judge: Brendon...
Brendon: I believe I said good day!
Judge: Brendon...
Brendon: I believe I said good day!
TV Show: Home Movies
[As part of his court-ordered video essay, Brendon films Melissa and Jason in a dramatic re-enactment of the accident. Melissa and Jason are in a cardboard box car]
Melissa: I love this new car.
Jason: Me too. Do you know what else I love? You.
Melissa: Yeah... We should run over some children.
Jason: Yes! Let's go kill children.
Melissa: Yeah! Look! There's one riding towards us now.
Jason: Well put your seat-belt on. Let's see what this baby can do!
[After running Brendon over with the cardboard-box-car, Melissa and Jason stand over him]
Melissa: Is he still alive?
Jason: Yeah. Hey, go in the trunk, Hotstuff, and go get daddy the bat.
Melissa: Sure thing!
Jason: We'll finish him off.
Melissa: I love this new car.
Jason: Me too. Do you know what else I love? You.
Melissa: Yeah... We should run over some children.
Jason: Yes! Let's go kill children.
Melissa: Yeah! Look! There's one riding towards us now.
Jason: Well put your seat-belt on. Let's see what this baby can do!
[After running Brendon over with the cardboard-box-car, Melissa and Jason stand over him]
Melissa: Is he still alive?
Jason: Yeah. Hey, go in the trunk, Hotstuff, and go get daddy the bat.
Melissa: Sure thing!
Jason: We'll finish him off.
TV Show: Home Movies
Melissa Robbins: You had an affair? And now she's trying to kill us? How could you?
Brendon: I'm sorry.
Melissa Robbins: Who is she?
Brendon: Just some woman.
Melissa Robbins: Is it because I'm fat?
Brendon: No... In fact, she's fat too.
Brendon: I'm sorry.
Melissa Robbins: Who is she?
Brendon: Just some woman.
Melissa Robbins: Is it because I'm fat?
Brendon: No... In fact, she's fat too.
TV Show: Home Movies
[Brendon, Melissa and Jason have won a trophy for Best Young Filmmakers of the Year]
Brendon: All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second
day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for...
the rest of our lives.
Melissa Robbins: Okay.
Jason: What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled?
Brendon: Then you miss your turn.
Brendon: All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second
day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for...
the rest of our lives.
Melissa Robbins: Okay.
Jason: What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled?
Brendon: Then you miss your turn.
TV Show: Home Movies
Dixie Smithley: Excuse me... hi! Hi! I'm Dixie Smithley from Channel 1 News and I wanted to congratulate you kids on your award!
Brendon: Oh!...
Dixie Smithley: I'd love to do a piece on you three kids!
Jason: You mean, um... beat us up?
Brendon: Oh!...
Dixie Smithley: I'd love to do a piece on you three kids!
Jason: You mean, um... beat us up?
TV Show: Home Movies
Thurmond: Tomorrow I’m going to beat the pants off you, Small.
Brendon: Then I guess I won’t bother wearing any.
Thurmond: And try not to cry when you lose.
Brendon: Thanks for your advice, and let me just say this. [blows a raspberry in his face]
Brendon: Then I guess I won’t bother wearing any.
Thurmond: And try not to cry when you lose.
Brendon: Thanks for your advice, and let me just say this. [blows a raspberry in his face]
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: Now don’t misunderstand me, adjectives are good, but one…two…eight adjectives in a row are more than enough to describe some little red boat.
Student: It’s a big green boat.
Paula: Whatever. You get my point.
Student: It’s a big green boat.
Paula: Whatever. You get my point.
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: So... what were you saying?
Brendon: Move the flowers.
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This meatloaf is dry.
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This is meatloaf?
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This fish is dry.
Brendon: Move the flowers.
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This meatloaf is dry.
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This is meatloaf?
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This fish is dry.
TV Show: Home Movies