House Quotes
Cuddy [to Arlene]: I asked you before why you were tough on me.
Arlene: I wasn't.
Cuddy: You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.
Arlene: I wasn't.
Cuddy: You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.
TV Show: House
House [to Masters]: Once again, you are unfired.
Masters: Why?
House: You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.
Masters: I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.
House: When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.
Masters: Why?
House: You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.
Masters: I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.
House: When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.
TV Show: House
Dr. Foreman: You're nothing but excuses and distractions.
Taub: Well, it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.
Taub: Well, it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.
TV Show: House
House: Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.
Masters: That actually makes no logical sense.
House: This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.
Masters: That actually makes no logical sense.
House: This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.
TV Show: House
House: Who's Sarah? Wilson's friend.
Dr. Cuddy: My computer crashed. Lost my database of his acquaintances.
House: Or you're both lying to me.
Dr. Cuddy: I know nothing about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Satisfied?
House: Noooooo.
Dr. Cuddy: My computer crashed. Lost my database of his acquaintances.
House: Or you're both lying to me.
Dr. Cuddy: I know nothing about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Satisfied?
House: Noooooo.
TV Show: House
Masters: What about a tutor?
Taub: I don't need a tutor.
House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.
Taub: Foreman.
House: Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.
Taub: I don't need a tutor.
House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.
Taub: Foreman.
House: Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.
TV Show: House
Taub: I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.
Dr. Foreman: Medicine's come a long way in the last hundred years.
Dr. Foreman: Medicine's come a long way in the last hundred years.
TV Show: House
Dr. Foreman [to House]: Why are you giving me these?
House: Because, while they're all running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.
Dr. Foreman: There's an entire department for that.
House: Exactly. The Foreman Department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman.
House: Because, while they're all running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.
Dr. Foreman: There's an entire department for that.
House: Exactly. The Foreman Department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman.
TV Show: House
Cuddy: I just need some time alone.
House: Because I used your toothbrush?!
Cuddy: And you didn't take out the trash.
House: That's insane. You know that, right?
Cuddy: You do whatever you want. Always.
House: I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!
Cuddy: And you're always right. And not you always think you're right. You are actually always right, because that's all that matters.
House: That doesn't even make sense. You want me to be wrong?
Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. You may even love me, but you don't care about me, and deserve someone who does.
House: Because I used your toothbrush?!
Cuddy: And you didn't take out the trash.
House: That's insane. You know that, right?
Cuddy: You do whatever you want. Always.
House: I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!
Cuddy: And you're always right. And not you always think you're right. You are actually always right, because that's all that matters.
House: That doesn't even make sense. You want me to be wrong?
Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. You may even love me, but you don't care about me, and deserve someone who does.
TV Show: House
Ms. Fields: Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?
House: Is there a third option?
Ms. Fields: Actually, I don't think there is.
House: I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.
Ms. Fields: And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.
House: You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.
Ms. Fields: I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.
House: Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.
Ms. Fields: And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.
House: I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?
Ms. Fields: Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.
House: Is there a third option?
Ms. Fields: Actually, I don't think there is.
House: I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.
Ms. Fields: And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.
House: You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.
Ms. Fields: I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.
House: Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.
Ms. Fields: And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.
House: I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?
Ms. Fields: Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.
TV Show: House
House: [knocks repeatedly on Cuddy's door until she opens it] We really, really need to talk.
Cuddy: You're drunk and you screwed up big time. Go home! [House walks in, Cuddy closes the door] You completely disappeared on me! You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.
House: You're going to want to sit down for this. [motions toward the sofa] Go ahead. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. I have made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you makes me a crappy doctor.
Cuddy: Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
House: I am drunk, and I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that. [long pause] And you are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone or loving you and being happy, I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you. [sits in the sofa, lays his head down in Cuddy's lap]
Cuddy: You're drunk and you screwed up big time. Go home! [House walks in, Cuddy closes the door] You completely disappeared on me! You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.
House: You're going to want to sit down for this. [motions toward the sofa] Go ahead. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. I have made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you makes me a crappy doctor.
Cuddy: Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
House: I am drunk, and I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that. [long pause] And you are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone or loving you and being happy, I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you. [sits in the sofa, lays his head down in Cuddy's lap]
TV Show: House
Cuddy: House! I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.
House: This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.
Cuddy: So you'll be there?
House: No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.
Cuddy: What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?
House: Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.
Cuddy: If you ever want…
House: I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass?
Cuddy: If you were already going, why did you…
House: Foreplay.
House: This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.
Cuddy: So you'll be there?
House: No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.
Cuddy: What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?
House: Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.
Cuddy: If you ever want…
House: I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass?
Cuddy: If you were already going, why did you…
House: Foreplay.
TV Show: House
Foreman [to Taub]: Are you wearing my tie?
Taub: Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.
Foreman: Why were you in my closet?
Taub: Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?
House: Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.
Taub: Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.
Foreman: Why were you in my closet?
Taub: Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?
House: Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.
TV Show: House
House: Autopsy report was negative for communicable disease. Cause of death was an overly stabby girlfriend.
TV Show: House
House: Show of hands. Who's going to this charity thing Friday night? (Chase and Taub rise hands.)
Chase: Already got a date.
House: Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support.
Foreman: I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.
House: Why does everyone go to that?
Foreman: Experience?
House: Shut up! How 'bout go… or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month.
Chase: Already got a date.
House: Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support.
Foreman: I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.
House: Why does everyone go to that?
Foreman: Experience?
House: Shut up! How 'bout go… or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month.
TV Show: House
House [about Foreman and Taub]: What, you two can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here!
TV Show: House
[House is auditioning a mariachi band for the charity gala and Wilson interrupts them]
Wilson: Hey!
[House whistles and the music stops]
House: Huh?
Wilson: What are you doing?
House: What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night.
Wilson: So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight.
House: Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me 2 grand. This is not a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's evening to remember. Which, in turn, will make my evening…
Wilson: I think, if you do this, your evening will end with you in your apartment alone… with a sock.
House: Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro… [the music starts again]
Wilson: Hey!
[House whistles and the music stops]
House: Huh?
Wilson: What are you doing?
House: What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night.
Wilson: So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight.
House: Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me 2 grand. This is not a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's evening to remember. Which, in turn, will make my evening…
Wilson: I think, if you do this, your evening will end with you in your apartment alone… with a sock.
House: Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro… [the music starts again]
TV Show: House
Foreman: We've got 15 minutes to get there if we wanna see the board freak when House's mariachi band marches in.
TV Show: House
Chase [about Bert]: His hearing is almost completely gone.
Masters: The new blood and CSF tests were negative for spores and fungus.
Chase: Tumor necrosis factor syndrome? Fits the conjunctivitis and painful swelling in his joints.
Masters: Except it's never been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever.
House: Oh, no, she di'int!
Chase: This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that patients can have more than one thing wrong with them.
House: Zing.
Chase: He was taking Vicodin. Extreme abusers can experience hearing loss.
Masters: Except his drug levels never got into the ototoxic zone.
Chase: You have a better idea?
House: I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter.
Masters: The new blood and CSF tests were negative for spores and fungus.
Chase: Tumor necrosis factor syndrome? Fits the conjunctivitis and painful swelling in his joints.
Masters: Except it's never been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever.
House: Oh, no, she di'int!
Chase: This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that patients can have more than one thing wrong with them.
House: Zing.
Chase: He was taking Vicodin. Extreme abusers can experience hearing loss.
Masters: Except his drug levels never got into the ototoxic zone.
Chase: You have a better idea?
House: I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to Cuddy]: Looking forward to Friday night?
Cuddy: Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.
Wilson: You think House is going to embarrass you.
Cuddy: Well, not intentionally. [glances at Wilson] Maybe intentionally.
Cuddy: Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.
Wilson: You think House is going to embarrass you.
Cuddy: Well, not intentionally. [glances at Wilson] Maybe intentionally.
TV Show: House
Masters [to Chase]: Do you even like me?
Chase: Why?
Masters: I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?
Chase: Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.
Chase: Why?
Masters: I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?
Chase: Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.
TV Show: House
Wilson: Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.
Rachel: Don’t blame me; he’s the one who wouldn’t run any red lights.
Rachel: Don’t blame me; he’s the one who wouldn’t run any red lights.
TV Show: House
Officer: The mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where’d she learn that?
TV Show: House
House [to the officer]: I don’t know why you’re here, but I didn’t do it.
Wilson: What’s the problem, officer?
Officer: She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl’s father?
House: Nope! But since her mom died, she’s my favorite tax write-off. [walks over to the door and sees the officer out] Officer, you have my word it won’t happen again, ‘cause next time she won’t get caught.
Wilson: What’s the problem, officer?
Officer: She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl’s father?
House: Nope! But since her mom died, she’s my favorite tax write-off. [walks over to the door and sees the officer out] Officer, you have my word it won’t happen again, ‘cause next time she won’t get caught.
TV Show: House
House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Cuddy: [smiles] Make it two.
House: Bitch.
Cuddy: [smiles] Make it two.
House: Bitch.
TV Show: House
Cuddy: You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.
House: How did you know?
Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict?
House: It was a one time thing.
Cuddy: This is not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.
House: I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain; drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Cuddy: Pain happens when you care. You can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears, and you're not willing to do that.
House: I came -- I came to be with you.
Cuddy: You weren't with me. Not really.
House: I wanted to be.
Cuddy: That's not enough.
House: I can do better.
Cuddy: I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again because that's just who you are. [strokes House's face] I'm sorry.
House: No, no, no.
Cuddy: I thought I could do this.
House: Don't, don't. Please don't.
Cuddy: Goodbye, House.
House: How did you know?
Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict?
House: It was a one time thing.
Cuddy: This is not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.
House: I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain; drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Cuddy: Pain happens when you care. You can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears, and you're not willing to do that.
House: I came -- I came to be with you.
Cuddy: You weren't with me. Not really.
House: I wanted to be.
Cuddy: That's not enough.
House: I can do better.
Cuddy: I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again because that's just who you are. [strokes House's face] I'm sorry.
House: No, no, no.
Cuddy: I thought I could do this.
House: Don't, don't. Please don't.
Cuddy: Goodbye, House.
TV Show: House