House Quotes
Masters [to Taub]: What are you gonna do?
Taub: What do you think I should do?
Masters: Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kill anybody is miniscule.
Taub: So I shouldn't do anything.
Masters: Mmmm… while the odds are low, the fallout could be… huge. Tens or even hundreds of lives.
Taub: So I should call the cops.
Masters: Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively...
Taub: You suck at this.
Masters: [nearly in tears] Hate the statistics… not the statistician.
Taub: What do you think I should do?
Masters: Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kill anybody is miniscule.
Taub: So I shouldn't do anything.
Masters: Mmmm… while the odds are low, the fallout could be… huge. Tens or even hundreds of lives.
Taub: So I should call the cops.
Masters: Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively...
Taub: You suck at this.
Masters: [nearly in tears] Hate the statistics… not the statistician.
TV Show: House
Cuddy [to House]: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?
House: Set an alarm and everything.
Cuddy: It's like dating a ten-year-old.
House: God, I hope not.
House: Set an alarm and everything.
Cuddy: It's like dating a ten-year-old.
House: God, I hope not.
TV Show: House
Cuddy [to House]: Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
House: But it is a good-time adjacent.
House: But it is a good-time adjacent.
TV Show: House
House [to Cuddy]: Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.
TV Show: House
Taub [to the patient, Ryan]: I know what it's like to be 16.
Ryan: You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months.
Taub: It's my job to notice things. Maybe talking to your parents would make things better.
Ryan: I've tried. They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does.
Taub: In med school, it seemed like everybody else could handle the pressure. I couldn't. I ended up hurting myself. Stupidest thing I've ever done.
Ryan: You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months.
Taub: It's my job to notice things. Maybe talking to your parents would make things better.
Ryan: I've tried. They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does.
Taub: In med school, it seemed like everybody else could handle the pressure. I couldn't. I ended up hurting myself. Stupidest thing I've ever done.
TV Show: House
House [to Cuddy]: You're freaking out because of one ultrasound performed by an incompetent Bonobo monkey.
Cuddy: As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business.
House: [in a shrill tone] Calling a lawyer, drafting a will! [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay. I-I… hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign.
Cuddy: I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now.
House: But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon.
Cuddy: The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule.
House: For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is… Oh, look! Now. [turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch even though he isn’t wearing one.]
Cuddy: My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's.
House: Actually, it is.
Cuddy: But I'm not sick, right?
House: [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.]
Cuddy: As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business.
House: [in a shrill tone] Calling a lawyer, drafting a will! [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay. I-I… hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign.
Cuddy: I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now.
House: But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon.
Cuddy: The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule.
House: For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is… Oh, look! Now. [turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch even though he isn’t wearing one.]
Cuddy: My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's.
House: Actually, it is.
Cuddy: But I'm not sick, right?
House: [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.]
TV Show: House
Cuddy [to Julia]: I mean, if you're okay with this. You have 3 kids of your own.
Julia: It's not even a question. Of course I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean, you guys…
Cuddy: We've only been together a few months.
Julia: Hmm. Seems like a lot longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for ten years. And by talking, I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler for being such a jerk.
Cuddy: People change.
Julia: It's not even a question. Of course I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean, you guys…
Cuddy: We've only been together a few months.
Julia: Hmm. Seems like a lot longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for ten years. And by talking, I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler for being such a jerk.
Cuddy: People change.
TV Show: House
[When House arrives at Wilson's office]
House: What are you doing here?
Wilson: Pie-eating contest.
House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.
Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.
House: Three: I hate the smell of death.
Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma...
House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to...
Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it... I don't know... once?
House: I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.
Wilson: There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them… as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.
House: [thinks this over and nods] You're right.
House: What are you doing here?
Wilson: Pie-eating contest.
House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.
Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.
House: Three: I hate the smell of death.
Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma...
House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to...
Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it... I don't know... once?
House: I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.
Wilson: There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them… as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.
House: [thinks this over and nods] You're right.
TV Show: House
Taub: While he's doing that, can I at least search his house for drugs?
House: Have I ever said no to that question?
House: Have I ever said no to that question?
TV Show: House
Chase [to Cuddy]: Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.
Cuddy: As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.
Chase: Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game.
Cuddy: As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.
Chase: Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game.
TV Show: House
Foreman [to Taub]: What is it with you and this kid?
Taub: He's doggy-paddling in a sea of misery.
Foreman: How far did you have to reach back for that memory? Last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3: 00 a.m.
Taub: That's when classic Doctor Who comes on the BBC.
Foreman: Yeah, if only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them it another time.
Taub: He's doggy-paddling in a sea of misery.
Foreman: How far did you have to reach back for that memory? Last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3: 00 a.m.
Taub: That's when classic Doctor Who comes on the BBC.
Foreman: Yeah, if only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them it another time.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to House]: I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do is here is, but then I realized that if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony.
TV Show: House
Taub: It’s interesting
Masters: No, it’s not. It’s mundane and simple. He is obviously a [slight pause] very blessed specimen so from an evolutionary point of view he’d produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me…I should have sex with him.
Taub: Oh, it’s that all?
Masters: Yes, my rational brain knows he’s a hillbilly and an idiot.
Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.
Masters: No, it’s not. It’s mundane and simple. He is obviously a [slight pause] very blessed specimen so from an evolutionary point of view he’d produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me…I should have sex with him.
Taub: Oh, it’s that all?
Masters: Yes, my rational brain knows he’s a hillbilly and an idiot.
Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.
TV Show: House
Cuddy: I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgement.
House: You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor's in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team or you can get the hell out of my way." [He pauses and watches her face] "And she caves."
House: You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor's in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team or you can get the hell out of my way." [He pauses and watches her face] "And she caves."
TV Show: House
Wilson [to Cuddy]: Just give him another chance. He deserves it.
Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House... every time I needed him to step up... He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.
Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House... every time I needed him to step up... He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to House]: We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.
House: So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.
House: So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to Cuddy about House]: He needs you.
Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't.
Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. Without you...
Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.
Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't.
Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. Without you...
Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.
TV Show: House
House: Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. 2 weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual level of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges.
TV Show: House
Masters [about House]: Cuddy dumped him?
Taub: Don't do that. Don't get sucked in.
Masters: He loves her. What? You can't feel bad for him for 5 minutes?
Taub: I can feel bad for him while still expecting him to act like an adult, show up for work, and not go on a booze, Vicodin, and hooker-filled bender.
Foreman: Which is why for now we're gonna handle the case without him.
Chase: Oh, is that the reason? I thought it was because you can't pass up any chance to seize control.
Foreman: I said "we." You want "pretty please" too?
Taub: Don't do that. Don't get sucked in.
Masters: He loves her. What? You can't feel bad for him for 5 minutes?
Taub: I can feel bad for him while still expecting him to act like an adult, show up for work, and not go on a booze, Vicodin, and hooker-filled bender.
Foreman: Which is why for now we're gonna handle the case without him.
Chase: Oh, is that the reason? I thought it was because you can't pass up any chance to seize control.
Foreman: I said "we." You want "pretty please" too?
TV Show: House
House: Who's in charge?
Foreman: House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final…
House: Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?
Foreman: House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final…
House: Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?
TV Show: House
Taub [to House]: Let me rephrase. You have to decide if you're gonna buck up, get out of bed, and do your job, or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity.
House: Those my only 2 choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you.
Taub: That is not true in so many ways.
House: And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. [Chase, whose hands are almost covering his mouth, grins broadly.] And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone.
House: Those my only 2 choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you.
Taub: That is not true in so many ways.
House: And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. [Chase, whose hands are almost covering his mouth, grins broadly.] And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone.
TV Show: House
Masters [to Taub]: You really think House isn't using Vicodin?
Taub: Does it actually worry you?
Masters: If he's self-prescribing meds, that could affect his judgment.
Taub: And does that worry you?
Masters: Are you being sarcastic?
Taub: If his rule-breaking is affecting his judgment, then you can step in and you can worry, but if he's just coming up with ideas that we haven't thought of but we should have, then our job is to shut up and do it.
Taub: Does it actually worry you?
Masters: If he's self-prescribing meds, that could affect his judgment.
Taub: And does that worry you?
Masters: Are you being sarcastic?
Taub: If his rule-breaking is affecting his judgment, then you can step in and you can worry, but if he's just coming up with ideas that we haven't thought of but we should have, then our job is to shut up and do it.
TV Show: House
Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?
House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?
TV Show: House
Taub [to Masters]: It's interesting.
Masters: No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.
Taub: Oh. Is that all?
Masters: Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.
Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.
Masters: No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.
Taub: Oh. Is that all?
Masters: Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.
Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.
TV Show: House
[After House jumps from a balcony into a pool]
House: What do you do when you win?
Students: Party!
House: What do you do when you lose?
Students: Party harder!
House: What do you do when you win?
Students: Party!
House: What do you do when you lose?
Students: Party harder!
TV Show: House
Wilson: You're trying to screw with Cuddy.
House: Yeah, it's the classic 'you dump me so I'm going to get married a week later' ruse. Cuz not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid.
House: Yeah, it's the classic 'you dump me so I'm going to get married a week later' ruse. Cuz not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid.
TV Show: House
Masters: Isn't that House's chicken?
Dr. Wilson: Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.
Masters: So call it off.
Dr. Wilson: And lose $20?
Dr. Wilson: Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.
Masters: So call it off.
Dr. Wilson: And lose $20?
TV Show: House
Masters [to Thirteen]: Why are you lying about rehab?
Thirteen: Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share.
Masters: Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others.
Thirteen: How long have you worked here. House's people have personalities that range from nosy to, "pardon me while I do this cavity search."
Thirteen: Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share.
Masters: Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others.
Thirteen: How long have you worked here. House's people have personalities that range from nosy to, "pardon me while I do this cavity search."
TV Show: House