House Quotes
House: Kid's a junkie.
Taub: Tox screens were negative for drug use.
House: His hair wasn't. I had it tested. Because unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentally-ill 20 somethings without drug problems don't exist.
Taub: Tox screens were negative for drug use.
House: His hair wasn't. I had it tested. Because unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentally-ill 20 somethings without drug problems don't exist.
TV Show: House
Masters: Think House is coming in today?
Foreman: Maybe if we start offering spa treatments.
Masters: He already jumped off of a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next?
Foreman: Maybe if we start offering spa treatments.
Masters: He already jumped off of a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next?
TV Show: House
[When House arrives in his office on a Segway with Dominika]
House: Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.
Dominika [stands and hook her arm into House's arm possessively]: Nice to be meetings you all. [puts a wedding invitation down on the table]
Chase: Doing what exactly?
House: Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up!
[Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist]
Masters: I don't think that two people are supposed…
House: Living on the edge, baby doll!
[House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway]
House: Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.
Dominika [stands and hook her arm into House's arm possessively]: Nice to be meetings you all. [puts a wedding invitation down on the table]
Chase: Doing what exactly?
House: Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up!
[Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist]
Masters: I don't think that two people are supposed…
House: Living on the edge, baby doll!
[House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway]
TV Show: House
House [about his Segway]: Have you any idea how much this toy cost?
Cuddy: I don't care.
House: For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week.
Cuddy: For some reason, I still don't care.
Cuddy: I don't care.
House: For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week.
Cuddy: For some reason, I still don't care.
TV Show: House
Cuddy [to House]: You stood me up.
House: Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.
House: Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.
TV Show: House
House [to Afsoun]: Now you're just pissing me off.
Luca: I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know she researched you. I had no idea she...
House: If you don't know anything, then why are you talking?
Afsoun: Please don't take it out on Luca.
House: I'll take it out on whoever I think will irritate you the most.
Luca: I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know she researched you. I had no idea she...
House: If you don't know anything, then why are you talking?
Afsoun: Please don't take it out on Luca.
House: I'll take it out on whoever I think will irritate you the most.
TV Show: House
Chase [to House about Afsoun]: You want us to waste a bed on her?
House: You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.
House: You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.
TV Show: House
Wilson: Congratulations on your engagement.
House: I hear a strange voice.
Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.
House: I hear a strange voice.
Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.
TV Show: House
Taub [when House's helicopter hits him in the head]: Ow! What the hell?
House: Negative reinforcement.
House: Negative reinforcement.
TV Show: House
Dominika: In your head!
House: It's "face."
Dominika: On your face!
House: Close enough.
House: It's "face."
Dominika: On your face!
House: Close enough.
TV Show: House
Masters [about the patient]: We have to help him.
House: I'd love to, but I got 4 million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk.
House: I'd love to, but I got 4 million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk.
TV Show: House
[While House and his team are riding in a monster truck]
Foreman [to House]: Would you slow down! You're gonna get us arrested.
Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first.
House: Don't make me take my shoe off!
Foreman [to House]: Would you slow down! You're gonna get us arrested.
Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first.
House: Don't make me take my shoe off!
TV Show: House
[When House checks the patient, Danny's pulse]
Danny: Who are you?
House: Shhh!
Danny: What are you doing?
House: Test.
Danny: Who are you?
House: The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. [leans his cane against the bed] Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.
Danny: No.
House: Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.
Danny: I'm not a criminal.
House: Awesome. What color is my underwear?
Danny: Who are you?
House: Shhh!
Danny: What are you doing?
House: Test.
Danny: Who are you?
House: The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. [leans his cane against the bed] Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.
Danny: No.
House: Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.
Danny: I'm not a criminal.
House: Awesome. What color is my underwear?
TV Show: House
Masters [about Danny]: Did you find out his real name?
House: Cerebellar ataxia.
Masters: That's a weird name.
House: Cerebellar ataxia.
Masters: That's a weird name.
TV Show: House
Wilson [about House]: He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.
Cuddy: It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.
Wilson: And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.
Cuddy: Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.
Wilson: Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.
Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
Wilson [walks to the chair in front of Cuddy's desk and sits down with his arms crossed over his chest]: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.
Cuddy: It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.
Wilson: And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.
Cuddy: Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.
Wilson: Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.
Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
Wilson [walks to the chair in front of Cuddy's desk and sits down with his arms crossed over his chest]: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.
TV Show: House
Cuddy [to House]: The chapel still has sanctity for some people.
House: You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week.
Cuddy: It's "Lou," and I would have thrown him out too.
House: You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week.
Cuddy: It's "Lou," and I would have thrown him out too.
TV Show: House
[Near the end of the episode, Masters arrives at work the next morning to find a crowd gathered around Danny's hospital room; Masters finds Foreman standing at the nurse's station]
Masters: What's going on?
Foreman: Danny disappeared without checking out.
[FBI investigators are searching Danny’s room]
Masters: So you called the FBI? [approaches Taub and Chase, who have been watching the proceedings happening in Danny’s room]
Chase: We didn't call them, they just showed up. Danny's DNA… When we sent it to the lab for testing, it set off alarm bells all over the country.
Masters: Alarm bells for what?
Foreman: He's linked to 13 unsolved murders in 10 different states.
Chase: He's a serial killer who eats his victims.
Taub: And we saved him. [Masters has a look of devastation on her face]
Masters: What's going on?
Foreman: Danny disappeared without checking out.
[FBI investigators are searching Danny’s room]
Masters: So you called the FBI? [approaches Taub and Chase, who have been watching the proceedings happening in Danny’s room]
Chase: We didn't call them, they just showed up. Danny's DNA… When we sent it to the lab for testing, it set off alarm bells all over the country.
Masters: Alarm bells for what?
Foreman: He's linked to 13 unsolved murders in 10 different states.
Chase: He's a serial killer who eats his victims.
Taub: And we saved him. [Masters has a look of devastation on her face]
TV Show: House
Foreman: House says he is gonna be out for the next three days.
Chase: Sweet! If I go straight to the airport, I can make Cabo for the last call.
Chase: Sweet! If I go straight to the airport, I can make Cabo for the last call.
TV Show: House
Foreman: Where are you?
House: On my way to the greater Schenectady chili cook-off and spud gun competition.
House: On my way to the greater Schenectady chili cook-off and spud gun competition.
TV Show: House
Chase [to Masters about the patient]: You were right. That was an interesting case. You start him on Levaquin. [walking away] I'll start looking for my good flip-flops.
TV Show: House
[Thirteen is driving in the car with House]
Thirteen: What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory.
House: First of all, it's a tuber. And you're just jealous because your potato-related plans are more of the serving up fries variety. [Thirteen doesn’t get what he is saying.] You did time. Means your license is suspended. Which means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?
Thirteen: I'd only have to serve up fries until the medical board hearing.
House: I stand corrected. You obviously have a rich, full life waiting for you. I'll slow down the car and you can roll out.
Thirteen: I don't even have a change of clothes.
House: Damn. If only I'd planned for that.
Thirteen: What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory.
House: First of all, it's a tuber. And you're just jealous because your potato-related plans are more of the serving up fries variety. [Thirteen doesn’t get what he is saying.] You did time. Means your license is suspended. Which means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?
Thirteen: I'd only have to serve up fries until the medical board hearing.
House: I stand corrected. You obviously have a rich, full life waiting for you. I'll slow down the car and you can roll out.
Thirteen: I don't even have a change of clothes.
House: Damn. If only I'd planned for that.
TV Show: House
Thirteen: The interrogation thing is getting annoying.
House: Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50% less effective.
House: Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50% less effective.
TV Show: House
House [to Thirteen]: Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.
Thirteen: Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.
House [under his breath]: Not that much.
Thirteen: Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.
House [under his breath]: Not that much.
TV Show: House
Foreman [to Taub]: You gonna tell me where you were last night?
Taub: I ran into a friend.
Foreman: We had 50 bucks on the Bulls. I had to eat a large pizza by myself.
Taub: You missed me.
Foreman: Not as much as I miss my $50.
Taub: I ran into a friend.
Foreman: We had 50 bucks on the Bulls. I had to eat a large pizza by myself.
Taub: You missed me.
Foreman: Not as much as I miss my $50.
TV Show: House
House [to Thirteen]: You were writing bogus prescriptions for medical marijuana. [He doesn't get an answer from Thirteen] Please say no because you have to be an idiot to actually screw that up.
Thirteen: No. I mean, I was, but I didn't get caught.
House: I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've ever seen. Also one of the best game bodies.
Thirteen: No. I mean, I was, but I didn't get caught.
House: I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've ever seen. Also one of the best game bodies.
TV Show: House
House [to Thirteen]: Didn't know you were a Jehovah's Witness.
Thirteen: Yeah, the weak lost faith when Christ didn't return in '75, but I still believe.
Thirteen: Yeah, the weak lost faith when Christ didn't return in '75, but I still believe.
TV Show: House
Thirteen [to House] : You know, I'm actually kind of hurt that you don't know what I did. I'm not worth bribing a court official or hacking into police records?
House: Where's the fun in that?
Thirteen: You could have at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
House: Lucas?
Thirteen: Mm-hmm.
House: You don't know?
Thirteen: What, is he dead or something?
House: No. Actually, until a couple of weeks ago, I was Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
House: Where's the fun in that?
Thirteen: You could have at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
House: Lucas?
Thirteen: Mm-hmm.
House: You don't know?
Thirteen: What, is he dead or something?
House: No. Actually, until a couple of weeks ago, I was Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
TV Show: House