House Quotes
House: You ever notice how many porn sites have "mom" in the domain name? Hot moms, hungry moms, mature moms. That ought to make you feel pretty good.
TV Show: House
House: [to Cuddy] I was with your boytoy on a stakeout last night.
Cuddy: You were with Lucas?
House: He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors.
Cuddy: You were with Lucas?
House: He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors.
TV Show: House
Cuddy: Call Gail. Tell her I want to see her in my office ASAP.
Oscar: But she's sick.
Cuddy: This place is full of sick people. Just get her in here.
Oscar: But she's sick.
Cuddy: This place is full of sick people. Just get her in here.
TV Show: House
House [to Cuddy]: Thought you had an important meeting.
Cuddy: You're an idiot. What are you gonna do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?
House: Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens. Mystery infection guy is now covered in boils and has an abscess big enough to put your fist in. He needs to get into an OR tout suite.
Cuddy: Hourani will be done soon.
House: Good. I'll have some hot chocolate waiting.
Cuddy: You're an idiot. What are you gonna do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?
House: Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens. Mystery infection guy is now covered in boils and has an abscess big enough to put your fist in. He needs to get into an OR tout suite.
Cuddy: Hourani will be done soon.
House: Good. I'll have some hot chocolate waiting.
TV Show: House
House [to Cuddy]: If you really wanted to make a deal, you should have ditched the push-up and gone with a demi. Nothing makes a guy wanna close like high beams.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to Cuddy]: How's it going?
Cuddy: [calls Marina on her cell phone as she talks to Wilson] Got three hours to save this place from bankruptcy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.
Wilson: Rachel's gonna be fine, I'm sure whoever he or she is deserved it, and we're not going bankrupt. Are we?
Cuddy: Don't worry. The board will fire me before they allow that to happen.
Wilson: They'd never fire you.
Cuddy: I just told Atlanticnet Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.
Wilson: They might fire you.
Cuddy: [calls Marina on her cell phone as she talks to Wilson] Got three hours to save this place from bankruptcy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.
Wilson: Rachel's gonna be fine, I'm sure whoever he or she is deserved it, and we're not going bankrupt. Are we?
Cuddy: Don't worry. The board will fire me before they allow that to happen.
Wilson: They'd never fire you.
Cuddy: I just told Atlanticnet Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.
Wilson: They might fire you.
TV Show: House
Cuddy [to Wilson]: What do you think I should do about Atlanticnet?
Wilson: You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
Cuddy: This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved.
Wilson: You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
Cuddy: This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved.
TV Show: House
Cuddy: They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid.
House: Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?
Cuddy: You would.
House: Probably. But then I also wanted to try and cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?
House: Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?
Cuddy: You would.
House: Probably. But then I also wanted to try and cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?
TV Show: House
[When Chase and Dr. Thomas are fighting]
Cuddy: (to House) What the hell is going on?
House: I told them to use their words.
Cuddy: (to House) What the hell is going on?
House: I told them to use their words.
TV Show: House
House: They're not going to fire you. And you're not going to quit.
Cuddy: Why not?
House: Because you're an idiot.
Cuddy: Why not?
House: Because you're an idiot.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to House]: What are you doing tonight?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
Wilson: It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.
House: Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
Wilson: It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.
House: Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.
TV Show: House
Wilson: Because you're not ordinary, House. You're way out there on the fringe somewhere. I'm your best friend, and half the time I don't understand you. You're alone. Been alone your whole life.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to House]: Come out with me tonight. I'm going speed dating.
House: You mean you're dating on meth? Count me in.
House: You mean you're dating on meth? Count me in.
TV Show: House
Foreman [to House]: You plan on doing any work today?
House: I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.
House: I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.
TV Show: House
[When Wilson invites Chase to go speed dating along with House]
House: [to Wilson] You brought a date?
Chase: Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.
Wilson: You need to dive back into the pool.
House: And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.
Chase: It's not a beauty pageant.
House: Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.
Chase: Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: [looking at Chase] You kind of are.
Chase: So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?
Wilson: Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.
House: The rest is your hair.
House: [to Wilson] You brought a date?
Chase: Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.
Wilson: You need to dive back into the pool.
House: And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.
Chase: It's not a beauty pageant.
House: Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.
Chase: Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: [looking at Chase] You kind of are.
Chase: So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?
Wilson: Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.
House: The rest is your hair.
TV Show: House
[During speed dating, House talks to a girl named Melodie]
House: I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.
Melodie: Don't all doctors do that?
House: Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.
House: I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.
Melodie: Don't all doctors do that?
House: Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.
TV Show: House
Wilson [to Chase]: I'm looking to get something on House.
Chase: Couldn't you just ask the love nymphs for the secret?
Chase: Couldn't you just ask the love nymphs for the secret?
TV Show: House
Wilson [to House]: Why are you reading a book by a Unitarian minister?
House: Book club. Oprah was going on and on...
House: Book club. Oprah was going on and on...
TV Show: House
[House's team is reading "Step by Step: Sermons for Everyday Life?" which is what House is secretly reading]
Taub: Thanks for the gift. Obviously differs from my own personal beliefs, but if these stories have helped you through some spiritual turmoil –
House: Read Chapter 6, entitled: "Shut the Hell Up."
Foreman: I appreciated the inscription about the benefits of prayer before medical treatments. And I think it's great that you have been called to witness by the Lord.
House: Chapter 2, "Bite Me."
Taub: Thanks for the gift. Obviously differs from my own personal beliefs, but if these stories have helped you through some spiritual turmoil –
House: Read Chapter 6, entitled: "Shut the Hell Up."
Foreman: I appreciated the inscription about the benefits of prayer before medical treatments. And I think it's great that you have been called to witness by the Lord.
House: Chapter 2, "Bite Me."
TV Show: House
House [to Wilson]: If you're gonna be this way, I'm not gonna invite you to my baptism.
TV Show: House
House [to the patient, Frankie]: Do you poop? [Frankie looks at Thirteen who looks at House.] Come on. Everybody poops. I read the book in medical school. Sinkers or floaters?
Chase: This is the wizard.
Chase: This is the wizard.
TV Show: House
Mr. Damon: What conclusions can we draw from the incredible number of stars?
Nick: That the movie's either gonna be really good or really bad.
Nick: That the movie's either gonna be really good or really bad.
TV Show: House
House: Foreman's the only one with the balls to take a case without checking with me, and he's still working on breakfast. Which means that the ... 18 ... no, 17-year-old honor student —
Thirteen: Cuddy has a soft spot for smart girls and they don't start drinking until second semester senior year.
House: So either you think that smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot, or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means ... well, I guess it's the same both ways.
Thirteen: Then how did you —
House: Picture fell out of the file; she looks smart.
Thirteen: Cuddy has a soft spot for smart girls and they don't start drinking until second semester senior year.
House: So either you think that smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot, or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means ... well, I guess it's the same both ways.
Thirteen: Then how did you —
House: Picture fell out of the file; she looks smart.
TV Show: House
Thirteen: We think a severe allergic reaction could be causing systemic breakdown.
Artie: To my son's sperm?
Taub: Actually, his semen is more likely the problem. ... Which, I realize is not what you were reacting to...
Artie: To my son's sperm?
Taub: Actually, his semen is more likely the problem. ... Which, I realize is not what you were reacting to...
TV Show: House
Taub: Whatcha doing?
Rachel: groceries.
Taub: What r u wearing?
Rachel: U don't want to know.
House: Take off your shirt.
Rachel: R u nuts?
House: Touch yourself.
Rachel: groceries.
Taub: What r u wearing?
Rachel: U don't want to know.
House: Take off your shirt.
Rachel: R u nuts?
House: Touch yourself.
TV Show: House