How I Met Your Mother Quotes
Barney: This is gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant because the next word is -DAIRY!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin Scherbatsky: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night, on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?
Ted Mosby: Well, I'm pretty drunk...
Ted Mosby: Well, I'm pretty drunk...
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: And so I licked the Liberty Bell.
Laura: How did it taste?
Ted: Like freedom... no, actually it tasted like pennies.
Laura: How did it taste?
Ted: Like freedom... no, actually it tasted like pennies.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney is still dressed as a Devil]
Ted Mosby: I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted Mosby: No, there's a huge line, and I don't wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof. [some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
Angel: Woah. I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?
Ted Mosby: I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted Mosby: No, there's a huge line, and I don't wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof. [some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
Angel: Woah. I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney is holding a casting call for a little boy to play his son]
Woman: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part!
Barney: Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. [over his shoulder] Bring in the four o'clocks!
Woman: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part!
Barney: Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. [over his shoulder] Bring in the four o'clocks!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[First scene of the series, in 2030]
Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.
Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?
Future Ted: No.
Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life…
Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.
Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?
Future Ted: No.
Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life…
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted just saw Robin]
Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.
Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: [talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and to the whole happily ever after thing. But you don't get there, unless you play the game.
Marshall: So you gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out, without asking her out?
Lily: Did you guys get high?
Marshall: So you gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out, without asking her out?
Lily: Did you guys get high?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]
Ted: Guys...boundaries!
Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]
Ted: Guys...boundaries!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!
Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: We are international businessmen!
Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: We are international businessmen!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGENDARY.
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGENDARY.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: Booger.
Ted: Yes, hello Barney.
Robin: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.
Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.
Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.
Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!
Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.
Ted: Yes, hello Barney.
Robin: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.
Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.
Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.
Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!
Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: [pause] Your cops are called 'mounties'.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: [pause] Your cops are called 'mounties'.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Barney.
Barney: Yeah, what's up?
Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.
Barney: Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!
Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"??
Robin: Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?
Barney: That's my private personal business!
[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!
Ted: You are evil!
Robin: All is right with the world again.
Barney: Yeah, what's up?
Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.
Barney: Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!
Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"??
Robin: Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?
Barney: That's my private personal business!
[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!
Ted: You are evil!
Robin: All is right with the world again.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]
Natalie: [after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?
Ted: I, I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know it's just...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery-
Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?
Ted: I can't explain.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?
Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: So I'm stupid?
Ted: What's going on-
Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-
Natalie: WHAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...
Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.
Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.
[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]
Natalie: [after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?
Ted: I, I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know it's just...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery-
Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?
Ted: I can't explain.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?
Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: So I'm stupid?
Ted: What's going on-
Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-
Natalie: WHAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...
Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.
Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.
[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!
Ted: What!? [begins to laugh]
Barney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like 'remember that time when you were grinding with'-No. And do you know why; because italics, [Barney holds his hand up and then slants them to an angle]this night did not happen.
Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!
Ted: What!? [begins to laugh]
Barney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like 'remember that time when you were grinding with'-No. And do you know why; because italics, [Barney holds his hand up and then slants them to an angle]this night did not happen.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.
Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.
Lily: [As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!
Marshall: Again?
[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]
Ted: Where are you going?
Marshall: It's... an elaborate costume.
Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.
Lily: [As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!
Marshall: Again?
[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]
Ted: Where are you going?
Marshall: It's... an elaborate costume.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2: 43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just ... Sit here and wait.
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2: 43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just ... Sit here and wait.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: Don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
Ted: All right, I get it!
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
Ted: All right, I get it!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
Robin: So it was a cocka-potato-mouse?
Marshall: Don't make this sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse.
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
Robin: So it was a cocka-potato-mouse?
Marshall: Don't make this sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Flashback]
Marshall: So after Lily and I get married... who gets the apartment?
Ted: Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle that problem?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally.
[Present Day]
Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!
Marshall: So after Lily and I get married... who gets the apartment?
Ted: Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle that problem?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally.
[Present Day]
Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fight]
Lily: On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?
Lily: On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: You okay?
Ted: Sure. Why?
Marshall: Ah...I don't know. Girl of your dreams...dating a billionaire.
Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]
Barney: Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah!
Ted: Okay, you..you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm...yeah, I think it's pretty solid.
Ted: Sure. Why?
Marshall: Ah...I don't know. Girl of your dreams...dating a billionaire.
Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]
Barney: Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah!
Ted: Okay, you..you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm...yeah, I think it's pretty solid.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother