How I Met Your Mother Quotes
Barney: So what do you think of Robin?
Ted: Barney, I really need to get to work, so...
Barney: Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]
Barney: Okay, but Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?
Ted: I'm with you, buddy.
Barney: You are now, because I explained it to you. [embraces him]
Ted: Barney, I really need to get to work, so...
Barney: Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]
Barney: Okay, but Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?
Ted: I'm with you, buddy.
Barney: You are now, because I explained it to you. [embraces him]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[last words of the season]
Future Ted: That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.
Future Ted: That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]
Marshall: Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
Ted: I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
Marshall: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted...
Ted: ...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
Barney: [imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?
Marshall: Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
Ted: I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
Marshall: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted...
Ted: ...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
Barney: [imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted's just found out from a college professor that he is in the wrong class]
Student: T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]
Student: T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
Lily: It’s time, baby.
Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!
Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]
Lily: It’s time, baby.
Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!
Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
Ted: Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
Jen: I'd love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good, 'cause if you wouldn't that would be...mighty shellfish.
Jen: [shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
Ted: Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
Jen: I'd love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good, 'cause if you wouldn't that would be...mighty shellfish.
Jen: [shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]
Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.
Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Robin goes to MacLaren's after crashing the Robin 101 class. Ted comforts her]
Ted: Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.
Robin: Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
Ted: It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Robin: Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
Ted: I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.
Ted: Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.
Robin: Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
Ted: It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Robin: Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
Ted: I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney is explaining the concept of the "Sexless Inkeeper" to Ted]
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
Ted: No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
Ted: No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right...
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right...
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]
Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!
Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Robin laments the loss of her Canadian identity while in Toronto]
Robin: When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.
Robin: When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Intro scene]
Future Ted: In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
Robin: She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: [to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!
Future Ted: In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
Robin: She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: [to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Marshall just linked up with Ted and Barney at MacLaren's]
Ted: [to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
Ted and Marshall: No.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.
Ted: [to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
Ted and Marshall: No.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[A certain videotape from Barney's porn collection has somehow ended up in Ted's VHS player]
Woman's Voiceover: ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Barney: Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!
Woman's Voiceover: ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Barney: Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: So, what did you guys do last last night?
Robin: Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
Barney: It was legen—wait for it—ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs]] It was OK.
Robin: Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
Barney: It was legen—wait for it—ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs]] It was OK.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted talks about how to move on after a break-up]
Future Ted: Others draw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
Ted: Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square!
Future Ted: Others draw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
Ted: Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[The gang reads the SNASA con]
Woman: Wow, you're an astronaut?
Barney: [hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Woman: Wow, SNASA.
Barney: Ah hmm..
Woman: Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Barney: Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to? the... Smoon.
Woman: Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
Robin: If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
Woman: Wow, you're an astronaut?
Barney: [hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Woman: Wow, SNASA.
Barney: Ah hmm..
Woman: Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Barney: Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to? the... Smoon.
Woman: Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
Robin: If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted and Robin just recovered Marshall's special turkey and he hugs them.]
Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Ted: Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Marshall: Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]
Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Ted: Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Marshall: Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Marshall and Lily talk about her father's presence at Thanksgiving]
Marshall: [after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
Lily: No.
Marshall: Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Lily: Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
Marshall: He was just out trying to provide for the family.
Lily: No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Marshall: Well, let's just give him some dark meat.
Marshall: [after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
Lily: No.
Marshall: Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Lily: Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
Marshall: He was just out trying to provide for the family.
Lily: No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Marshall: Well, let's just give him some dark meat.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted receives a call]
Ted: Hello?
Old Woman: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Old Woman: The window is open.
Ted: [pause] What?
Old Woman: The Window...is open!
Ted: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for?
Ted: I...I...
Marshall: Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily: Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!
Ted: Hello?
Old Woman: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Old Woman: The window is open.
Ted: [pause] What?
Old Woman: The Window...is open!
Ted: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for?
Ted: I...I...
Marshall: Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily: Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
Ted: One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
Ted: One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
Cindy: I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted: And what does frat guys say to that?
Cindy: [drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted: [laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Cindy: Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
Cindy: I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
Ted: So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.
Cindy: I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted: And what does frat guys say to that?
Cindy: [drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted: [laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Cindy: Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
Cindy: I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
Ted: So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys]
Barney: Hey.
Karina: [curtly] What do you want?
Barney: Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a wait-whaaat?
Karina: Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Barney: Um…
Karina: I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [Cheerfully: at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?
Barney: Hey.
Karina: [curtly] What do you want?
Barney: Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a wait-whaaat?
Karina: Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Barney: Um…
Karina: I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [Cheerfully: at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Jenkins tries to apologize to Marshall at the GNB board room]
Jenkins: There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
Marshall: That's OK.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
Marshall: That wasn't me.
Jenkins: Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.
Jenkins: There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
Marshall: That's OK.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
Marshall: That wasn't me.
Jenkins: Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Jenkins has just apologized to Lily at MacLaren's for kissing Marshall. Lily is gradually taking off her scarf and earrings.]
Jenkins: For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [Lily suddenly punches her right in the face. Jenkins lies crumpled on the floor]
Lily: Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
Barney: [trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!
Jenkins: For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [Lily suddenly punches her right in the face. Jenkins lies crumpled on the floor]
Lily: Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
Barney: [trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney imagines being interviewed by Jim Nantz]
Jim Nantz: Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
Barney: [shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
Jim: Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Barney: Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.
Jim Nantz: Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
Barney: [shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
Jim: Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Barney: Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Wendy the Waitress calls a take out order]
Wendy The Waitress: Take out order for Cook Pu. We have a Number Two over here for Cook Pu.
Ted: [stunned, to gang] You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, like, I get it, Cook Pu is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu Cook Pu Cook Pu!
Cook Pu: Here. [Ted looks at her as Wendy gives her her order]
Wendy The Waitress: Take out order for Cook Pu. We have a Number Two over here for Cook Pu.
Ted: [stunned, to gang] You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, like, I get it, Cook Pu is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu Cook Pu Cook Pu!
Cook Pu: Here. [Ted looks at her as Wendy gives her her order]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[The gang teases Robin over Don]
Robin: [angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]
Robin: [angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother