Joan of Arcadia Quotes
Adam: Maybe I'm bad at stuff like this... but we kissed. It's not like I've kissed a lot of girls. Maybe I've only kissed one.
Joan Girardi: Right.
Adam: Well maybe it meant something to me.
Joan Girardi: Maybe it meant something to me, too.
Adam: I don't... I don't know what to do with it now.
Joan Girardi: [chuckles] Me neither.
Adam: Maybe it's like that anti-drug guy said, you know? Romantic love is like a mental illness. It just happens and then what are you gonna do?
Joan Girardi: Maybe we're just not ready.
Adam: Okay. I accept that. Were you ready for that other guy? [Referencing God, whom Joan was dancing with at the party]
Joan Girardi: That's different. [after a long pause]
Joan Girardi: Hey, wanna dance?
Joan Girardi: Right.
Adam: Well maybe it meant something to me.
Joan Girardi: Maybe it meant something to me, too.
Adam: I don't... I don't know what to do with it now.
Joan Girardi: [chuckles] Me neither.
Adam: Maybe it's like that anti-drug guy said, you know? Romantic love is like a mental illness. It just happens and then what are you gonna do?
Joan Girardi: Maybe we're just not ready.
Adam: Okay. I accept that. Were you ready for that other guy? [Referencing God, whom Joan was dancing with at the party]
Joan Girardi: That's different. [after a long pause]
Joan Girardi: Hey, wanna dance?
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Cute Boy God: Let me explain something to you, Joan. It goes like this: I don't look like this. I don't look like anything you'd recognize. You can't see me. I don't sound like this. I don't sound like anything you'd recognize. You see, I'm beyond your experience. I take this form because you're comfortable with it, it makes sense to you. And if I'm "snippy" it's because you understand snippy. Do ya get it?
Joan: Sort of.
Cute Boy God: Good, 'cause I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality. You'd like me.
Joan: Sort of.
Cute Boy God: Good, 'cause I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality. You'd like me.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Dog Walker: [In response to Joan's question about Judith dying] You know, there's a old riddle... a man is walking across a bridge with three pieces of gold...
Joan: NO! No, I don't want a riddle! Just...
Dog Walker: [Ignoring her] And the bridge can only handle 120 pounds. He weighs 118 pounds, and each piece of gold weighs three pounds. So, how does he...
Joan: I know! I know! I've heard it! The guy juggles! He juggles the gold so the bridge doesn't fall!
Dog Walker: Then that's what you have to do, Joan. [pause]
Dog Walker: Just juggle.
Joan: NO! No, I don't want a riddle! Just...
Dog Walker: [Ignoring her] And the bridge can only handle 120 pounds. He weighs 118 pounds, and each piece of gold weighs three pounds. So, how does he...
Joan: I know! I know! I've heard it! The guy juggles! He juggles the gold so the bridge doesn't fall!
Dog Walker: Then that's what you have to do, Joan. [pause]
Dog Walker: Just juggle.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Female Custodian God: Hi there, Joan.
Joan: Oh, God...
Female Custodian God: The one and only.
Joan: Oh, God...
Female Custodian God: The one and only.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan: You think they [the cheerleaders]
Joan: know?
Luke: What? That Mom turned in their alpha dog? Probably.
Joan: They're going to eat me alive.
Joan: know?
Luke: What? That Mom turned in their alpha dog? Probably.
Joan: They're going to eat me alive.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan: ...Oh, God.
Electrician God: Yes?
Joan: No, I was taking your name in vain, to be technical. Sorry.
Electrician God: Yes?
Joan: No, I was taking your name in vain, to be technical. Sorry.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Sammy: (on the phone) Is it breathing? It's moving? If it's moving and breathing then its not dead! It's hopping? If it's hopping then it's really not dead!
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Sammy: (on the phone) This is why I didn't want to get a rabbit for a pet! They're not pets, they're food!
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Luke: So, what you do is that you shoot these photons at this piece of paper...
Joan: There's a pervert in the yard!!
Luke: ..and a pervert appears in the yard.
Joan: There's a pervert in the yard!!
Luke: ..and a pervert appears in the yard.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan: Who are you?
Cute Boy God: I've known you since before you were born, Joan.
Joan: I'm going to ask you one more time.
Cute Boy God: I'm God.
Joan: You're what?
Cute Boy God: God.
Joan: Don't ever...talk to me again.
Cute Boy God: I've known you since before you were born, Joan.
Joan: I'm going to ask you one more time.
Cute Boy God: I'm God.
Joan: You're what?
Cute Boy God: God.
Joan: Don't ever...talk to me again.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Luke: As the great physicist Faraday once said, 'Nothing is too wonderful to be true.'
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan: Let's... let's say you're God.
Cute Boy God: Joan, I am God.
Joan: Okay, well, let's see a miracle.
Cute Boy God: Okay. How 'bout that?
Cute Boy God: Joan, I am God.
Joan: Okay, well, let's see a miracle.
Cute Boy God: Okay. How 'bout that?
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan: So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.
God: Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.
God: Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Kevin: I remember normal. Back when I was normal, I wanted them to buy me a car. You know what they said? They said "No." they said "Be a man. Get a job, buy your own car." So, what's changed since then? Huh? Joan, what's changed?
Joan: You know what's changed.
Kevin: Yep. Nobody expects me to be a man anymore.
[Kevin leaves, Joan yells after him]
Joan: You stopped trying! You just sit around and smoke in the park like some subdefective!
Joan: You know what's changed.
Kevin: Yep. Nobody expects me to be a man anymore.
[Kevin leaves, Joan yells after him]
Joan: You stopped trying! You just sit around and smoke in the park like some subdefective!
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan: Make Kevin walk, please? I just ask this one favor and then I'll never ask for one again. It's so easy for you. All you have to do is snap your fingers or blink your eyes. Just let Kevin stand up.
God: People ask me to do things - big things, little things - billions of times, every day.
Joan: What do you expect? You're God!
God: I put a lot of thought into the Universe; came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them - not to mention, shows favoritism. Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.
Joan: No miracles?
God: Miracles happen within the rules.
God: People ask me to do things - big things, little things - billions of times, every day.
Joan: What do you expect? You're God!
God: I put a lot of thought into the Universe; came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them - not to mention, shows favoritism. Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.
Joan: No miracles?
God: Miracles happen within the rules.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Will: [On the phone] Yes sir. I understand, but I assure you, my guys are on it.
Joan: Sir? Who does he call Sir?
Luke: His boss.
Joan: He doesn't have a boss.
Luke: Sure he does. The Commissioner, the Mayor, the Attorney General, Mom.
Joan: Sir? Who does he call Sir?
Luke: His boss.
Joan: He doesn't have a boss.
Luke: Sure he does. The Commissioner, the Mayor, the Attorney General, Mom.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Woman: Joan Girardi? Sign Here.
Joan: Oh. I never get anything in the mail.
Woman: You owe eleven dollars and fifty cents.
[Joan turns around to call her mom for the money.]
Woman: Un uh. You have twelve dollars in you pocket you were going to use to buy a Frappuccino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way. Do not do that.
Joan: Oh God. You're just a three ring circus aren't you?
God: Ok, price went up. Give me the whole twelve.
Joan: What are you going to do with money?
God: It's not what I'm going to do with it. It's what you're going to do without it.
Joan: Oh. I never get anything in the mail.
Woman: You owe eleven dollars and fifty cents.
[Joan turns around to call her mom for the money.]
Woman: Un uh. You have twelve dollars in you pocket you were going to use to buy a Frappuccino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way. Do not do that.
Joan: Oh God. You're just a three ring circus aren't you?
God: Ok, price went up. Give me the whole twelve.
Joan: What are you going to do with money?
God: It's not what I'm going to do with it. It's what you're going to do without it.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Grace: Tell your brother to stop with the after-shave. First, he has nothing to shave. Second, it smells like picked eggs. And third, he sits behind me and I'm allergic. I have like, one working sinus left.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Grace: You smell that? It's like essence of pimp.
Joan: Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's really girly. Hard to believe he's straight.
Grace: Hard to believe and hard to care.
Joan: You know, I know he's not your type, I know he isn't mine. (Grace gives her a look) If he weren't my brother. I'm more into athlete type. You know that's my thing. Football players, wrestlers. Abs. Big forearms.
Grace: Small cerebral cortex.
Adam: (in a whisper) Wrestlers?
Joan: Mind your own business.
Joan: Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's really girly. Hard to believe he's straight.
Grace: Hard to believe and hard to care.
Joan: You know, I know he's not your type, I know he isn't mine. (Grace gives her a look) If he weren't my brother. I'm more into athlete type. You know that's my thing. Football players, wrestlers. Abs. Big forearms.
Grace: Small cerebral cortex.
Adam: (in a whisper) Wrestlers?
Joan: Mind your own business.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
God: Oh Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.
Joan: You mean like, Hell?
God: No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.
Joan: You mean like, Hell?
God: No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Girl 2: You hit on Dax Hibbing?
Joan: I don't know Dax Hibbing.
Girl 2: Are you insane? They are like, such a unit. You can't get in there.
Joan: I don't know Dax Hibbing.
Girl 2: You're either a complete freak or my hero.
Joan: I don't know Dax Hibbing.
Girl 2: Are you insane? They are like, such a unit. You can't get in there.
Joan: I don't know Dax Hibbing.
Girl 2: You're either a complete freak or my hero.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan's Chess Partner: Benjamin Franklin. (Joan clicks her timer) Interesting. Fianachetto.
Joan: I have no idea what I'm doing.
Joan's Chess Partner: Yeah, like I'm falling for that.
Joan: A horse can jump people right?
Joan's Chess Partner: That's funny.
Teacher: How's it going?
Joan's Chess Partner: Shes bold. Kudos for the Dresden variation, but I'm about take her queen.
Joan: Which one is the queen? This one?
Joan's Chess Partner: Oh yeah, you're psyching me out.
Joan: (makes a move) Can I do that?
Joan's Chess Partner: Wow. I should have seen that. I should have seen it. Crap. In six moves, by a girl.
Joan: (To the teacher who is looking shocked) What happened? Did I win?
Joan: I have no idea what I'm doing.
Joan's Chess Partner: Yeah, like I'm falling for that.
Joan: A horse can jump people right?
Joan's Chess Partner: That's funny.
Teacher: How's it going?
Joan's Chess Partner: Shes bold. Kudos for the Dresden variation, but I'm about take her queen.
Joan: Which one is the queen? This one?
Joan's Chess Partner: Oh yeah, you're psyching me out.
Joan: (makes a move) Can I do that?
Joan's Chess Partner: Wow. I should have seen that. I should have seen it. Crap. In six moves, by a girl.
Joan: (To the teacher who is looking shocked) What happened? Did I win?
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Ms. Bloome: When I was 29 I was in a car accident and I died. And no, I don't remember a tunnel. I didn't see any dead loved ones, no angels. Nothing like that. It's just that when I woke up, everything was different. I was different. I asked the doctor, and he said this was not uncommon among near-death survivors. And then shortly after that, I began having dreams that came true. And weird visions. It was like I could hear peoples thoughts. I don't know the why of it, but I made the decisions that as long as I had this bizarre ability, I might as well use it to help people.
Will: And get paid for it. Help people for a price.
Ms. Bloome: Yeah, like you. Is it because of the tragedy? I mean that this makes you so angry and unwilling. You've had a tragedy.
Will: Who hasn't?
Will: And get paid for it. Help people for a price.
Ms. Bloome: Yeah, like you. Is it because of the tragedy? I mean that this makes you so angry and unwilling. You've had a tragedy.
Will: Who hasn't?
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Helen: (To Charlotte) So, are you a detective?
Ms. Bloome: No. Actually I'm a psychic.
Helen: A psychic, that's interesting.
Ms. Bloome: Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.
Joan: [Awkwardly] No I don't.
Luke: No, it's true. She is from another planet.
[Ms Bloome walks over to Kevin and whispers something in his ear that leaves him shocked.]
Ms. Bloome: [To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.
Helen: Nice to meet you.
Will: [To Kevin] What did she say to you?
Kevin: Nothing.
Ms. Bloome: No. Actually I'm a psychic.
Helen: A psychic, that's interesting.
Ms. Bloome: Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.
Joan: [Awkwardly] No I don't.
Luke: No, it's true. She is from another planet.
[Ms Bloome walks over to Kevin and whispers something in his ear that leaves him shocked.]
Ms. Bloome: [To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.
Helen: Nice to meet you.
Will: [To Kevin] What did she say to you?
Kevin: Nothing.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Helen: It's just... I was raised Catholic and I was taught that you don't ask God for specific things, but there is this one miracle that I would really, really like to have. Like something you see in a store and you can't stop thinking about it, and you start to believe that it already belongs to you, and it's just misplaced, but is it wrong? Can it actually do harm to pray for something you want?
Priest: I think prayer can never hurt. As long as you understand you might not recognize the answer right away. Most miracles occur in hindsight.
Helen: Why don't I ever feel better after I talk to you?
Priest: I don't know.
Priest: I think prayer can never hurt. As long as you understand you might not recognize the answer right away. Most miracles occur in hindsight.
Helen: Why don't I ever feel better after I talk to you?
Priest: I don't know.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Joan: Because my life is completely unraveling. I'm up to my eyeballs in the drama of the high school mating ritual, and now, thanks to you, I've been mistaken as the school chess champion. How did this happen to me?
God: Which part?
Joan: How did I beat that kid at chess?
God: He was using logic. You weren't. It's impossible to guard against chaos. It's rare, but it happens. Black's move.
Joan: I don't want to... I don't know how to play this game.
God: And yet you play the game.
Joan: Because I'm forced to.
God: Forced to? Your friends make a suggestion, which you follow up on, and then you're surprised at the outcome? It's a causal universe. Move.
Joan: Wait a minute, I'm being punished because I made a tiny little effort to fit in?
God: It's not about punishment. It's that actions have consequences, and to be in denial of that is to be disengaged from the laws of the universe, which renders you powerless and vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain. Other than that, it's no big deal... move.... (She touches one of the pieces and then changes her mind)No....
Joan: No?
God: It's a rule called "touch move." Once you touch a piece, you have to move that piece.
Joan: I'm not allowed to change my mind? What kind of universe is that?
God: Oh, you can change your mind, but you still have to play that piece. So you should think before you move.
Joan: Wait a minute, this is a metaphor... Yeah, I looked up "metaphor" and that's definitely an example... Yep... took the bait. So now I'm in the game. How do I get out?
God: There are many ways to get out; surrender is one, losing is another. Winning, cheating, which I don't recommend, but you have to do something. You have to have a
God: Which part?
Joan: How did I beat that kid at chess?
God: He was using logic. You weren't. It's impossible to guard against chaos. It's rare, but it happens. Black's move.
Joan: I don't want to... I don't know how to play this game.
God: And yet you play the game.
Joan: Because I'm forced to.
God: Forced to? Your friends make a suggestion, which you follow up on, and then you're surprised at the outcome? It's a causal universe. Move.
Joan: Wait a minute, I'm being punished because I made a tiny little effort to fit in?
God: It's not about punishment. It's that actions have consequences, and to be in denial of that is to be disengaged from the laws of the universe, which renders you powerless and vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain. Other than that, it's no big deal... move.... (She touches one of the pieces and then changes her mind)No....
Joan: No?
God: It's a rule called "touch move." Once you touch a piece, you have to move that piece.
Joan: I'm not allowed to change my mind? What kind of universe is that?
God: Oh, you can change your mind, but you still have to play that piece. So you should think before you move.
Joan: Wait a minute, this is a metaphor... Yeah, I looked up "metaphor" and that's definitely an example... Yep... took the bait. So now I'm in the game. How do I get out?
God: There are many ways to get out; surrender is one, losing is another. Winning, cheating, which I don't recommend, but you have to do something. You have to have a
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Kevin: Joan, can I borrow your hair dryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at Wiener World? Joan?
Joan: [Springing up from under her blanket] WHAT?
Kevin: [Jumps] Don't scare the cripple, my fight or flight impulse is very confused. What were you doing?
Joan: [Springing up from under her blanket] WHAT?
Kevin: [Jumps] Don't scare the cripple, my fight or flight impulse is very confused. What were you doing?
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia
Kevin: So, I was in the "in" crowd. I just got to see the jerks closer up. Why do you think I spent so much time playing sports? I didn't like that social thing so much. People were mean, it was boring. I wanted to play my own game.
Joan: Oh my god! Somebody just said that to me yesterday. About chess.
Kevin: Well, it's the basic rule of any sport. Otherwise you're always on the defensive posture, always reacting to the other guy.
Joan: You really weren't happy in high school? You really felt like a reject sometimes?
Kevin: Everybody does. Even the ones who claim they don't. You-- you are going to find some people who totally get what a non-repulsive, sub-defective you are. Trust in yourself a little bit, you'll figure it out. And if you need me to roll over anyone, let me know.
Joan: Sub-defective.
Joan: Oh my god! Somebody just said that to me yesterday. About chess.
Kevin: Well, it's the basic rule of any sport. Otherwise you're always on the defensive posture, always reacting to the other guy.
Joan: You really weren't happy in high school? You really felt like a reject sometimes?
Kevin: Everybody does. Even the ones who claim they don't. You-- you are going to find some people who totally get what a non-repulsive, sub-defective you are. Trust in yourself a little bit, you'll figure it out. And if you need me to roll over anyone, let me know.
Joan: Sub-defective.
TV Show: Joan of Arcadia