Life of Brian Quotes
Pontius Pilate : So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian : He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate : Weally? What was his name?
Brian : 'Naughtius Maximus'. [ the Centurion laughs ]
Pontius Pilate : Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion : Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate : Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion : Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate : [ guard chuckles ] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion : Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate : I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. [ guard chuckles ]
Pontius Pilate : Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian : Can I go now, sir? [ slap ]
Brian : Aaah! Eh.
Pontius Pilate : Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this! [ guard chuckles ]
Pontius Pilate : Wight! Take him away!
Centurion : Oh, sir, he - he only...
Pontius Pilate : No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion : Yes, sir. Come on, you. [ takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically ]
Pontius Pilate : I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... [ another guard chuckles ]
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus? [ more chuckling ]
Pontius Pilate : What about you? Do you find it... wisible..
Brian : He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate : Weally? What was his name?
Brian : 'Naughtius Maximus'. [ the Centurion laughs ]
Pontius Pilate : Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion : Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate : Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion : Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate : [ guard chuckles ] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion : Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate : I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. [ guard chuckles ]
Pontius Pilate : Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian : Can I go now, sir? [ slap ]
Brian : Aaah! Eh.
Pontius Pilate : Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this! [ guard chuckles ]
Pontius Pilate : Wight! Take him away!
Centurion : Oh, sir, he - he only...
Pontius Pilate : No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion : Yes, sir. Come on, you. [ takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically ]
Pontius Pilate : I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... [ another guard chuckles ]
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus? [ more chuckling ]
Pontius Pilate : What about you? Do you find it... wisible..
Movie: Life of Brian
Leper 1 : Alms for a leper!
Leper 2 : Alms for a leper!
Ex-Leper : Alms for an ex-leper!
Leper 2 : Alms for a leper!
Ex-Leper : Alms for an ex-leper!
Movie: Life of Brian
Centurion : Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian : You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion : I have an order for his release!
Brian : You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion : Take him down!
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1 : Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian!
Victim #2 : Look, I'm Brian!
Brian : I'm Brian!
Victims : I'm Brian!
Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims : I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
Brian : You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion : I have an order for his release!
Brian : You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion : Take him down!
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1 : Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian!
Victim #2 : Look, I'm Brian!
Brian : I'm Brian!
Victims : I'm Brian!
Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims : I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
Movie: Life of Brian
Mr. Big Nose : I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Parvus : Oh, yeah?
Mr. Big Nose : Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Parvus : No?
Mr. Big Nose : I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Parvus : Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Mr. Big Nose : Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
Gregory : A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
Parvus : Oh, yeah?
Mr. Big Nose : Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Parvus : No?
Mr. Big Nose : I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Parvus : Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Mr. Big Nose : Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
Gregory : A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
Movie: Life of Brian
Parvus : It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.
Gregory : It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
Mrs. Gregory : Oh, rather.
Gregory : Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
Gregory : It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
Mrs. Gregory : Oh, rather.
Gregory : Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
Movie: Life of Brian
[ Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door ]
Brian?s mother : Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. [ Three wise men leave ]
Brian?s mother : Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
Brian?s mother : Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. [ Three wise men leave ]
Brian?s mother : Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
Movie: Life of Brian
Boring Prophet : There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : What will they do to me?
Ben the Prisoner : Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian : CRUCIFIXION?
Ben the Prisoner : Yeah, first offense.
Ben the Prisoner : Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian : CRUCIFIXION?
Ben the Prisoner : Yeah, first offense.
Movie: Life of Brian
Biggus Dickus : Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith! [ I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis ]
Movie: Life of Brian
Lead Singer Crucifee : You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!
Movie: Life of Brian
Lead Singer Crucifee : [ singing ] Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.
Movie: Life of Brian
Lead Singer Crucifee : [ Dying on the cross ] Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And... always look on the bright side of life...
Movie: Life of Brian
Stan : It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg : But you can't have babies.
Stan : Don't you oppress me.
Reg : Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Reg : But you can't have babies.
Stan : Don't you oppress me.
Reg : Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Movie: Life of Brian
[ Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house ]
Brian : They must have just popped by!
Brian's mother : Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!
Brian : They must have just popped by!
Brian's mother : Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!
Movie: Life of Brian
Mrs. Big Nose : [ trying to hear Jesus' sermon on the mount ] Oh, it's blessed are the MEEK! Oh, I'm glad they're getting something, they have a hell of a time.
Movie: Life of Brian
Reg : What Jesus fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.
Movie: Life of Brian
Pontius Pilate : He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.
Movie: Life of Brian
Stan : Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Mr. Big Nose : Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
Mr. Big Nose : Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
Movie: Life of Brian
[ On the run from Roman soldiers, Brain lands on a public stage prophets. Brian quickly decides to disgues himself as one ]
Brian : [ Unsure and stuttering ] Don't... pass judgement... on other people, or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by : [ as if shocked ] What?
Brian : I said, don't pass judgement on others or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by : [ in small, squeaky voice ] Who me? Oh, Thank you very much!
Brian : [ Unsure and stuttering ] Don't... pass judgement... on other people, or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by : [ as if shocked ] What?
Brian : I said, don't pass judgement on others or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by : [ in small, squeaky voice ] Who me? Oh, Thank you very much!
Movie: Life of Brian
[ last lines ]
Lead Singer Crucifee : [ as end credits role and crucifees are singing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" ] It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him, "Bernie", I said, "They'll never make their money back."
Lead Singer Crucifee : [ as end credits role and crucifees are singing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" ] It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him, "Bernie", I said, "They'll never make their money back."
Movie: Life of Brian
[ first lines ]
Wise Man #1 : Ahem!
Brian?s mother : Oh! [ falls over in chair ]
Brian?s mother : Who are you?
Wise Man #2 : We are three wise men.
Brian?s mother : What?
Wise Man #1 : We are three wise men.
Brian?s mother : Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Wise Man #1 : Ahem!
Brian?s mother : Oh! [ falls over in chair ]
Brian?s mother : Who are you?
Wise Man #2 : We are three wise men.
Brian?s mother : What?
Wise Man #1 : We are three wise men.
Brian?s mother : Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Movie: Life of Brian
The Crowd : The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Brian's mother : The who?
The Crowd : The Messiah!
Brian's mother : There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!
Brian's mother : The who?
The Crowd : The Messiah!
Brian's mother : There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : [ Brian is in a prison cell with Ben who is hanging from chains ] Oh lay off, I've had a hard time!
Ben the Prisoner : You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.
Ben the Prisoner : You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.
Movie: Life of Brian
Pontius Pilate : [ Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd ] People of Jewusalum, [ Evrybody laughs at his speech impairment ]
Pontius Pilate : Wome... is your fwiend! [ They laugh more ]
Pontius Pilate : To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd : Welease Woger! [ Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger" ]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger! [ Everybody laughs ]
Centurion : Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
Pontius Pilate : Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'! [ They all laugh ]
Man in crowd : Well what about "Wodewick" then? [ They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!" ]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick! [ the crowd laughs some more ]
Centurion : Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
Pontius Pilate : Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
Man in crowd : He's a wobber! [ they laugh ]
Man in crowd : And a wapist! [ more laughter ]
Girl In Crowd : And a pick-pocket! [ Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no ]
Pontius Pilate : He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Pontius Pilate : Wome... is your fwiend! [ They laugh more ]
Pontius Pilate : To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd : Welease Woger! [ Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger" ]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger! [ Everybody laughs ]
Centurion : Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
Pontius Pilate : Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'! [ They all laugh ]
Man in crowd : Well what about "Wodewick" then? [ They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!" ]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick! [ the crowd laughs some more ]
Centurion : Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
Pontius Pilate : Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
Man in crowd : He's a wobber! [ they laugh ]
Man in crowd : And a wapist! [ more laughter ]
Girl In Crowd : And a pick-pocket! [ Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no ]
Pontius Pilate : He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Movie: Life of Brian