Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes
Nick the Greek : Dunno. Seems expensive.
Tom : Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the Sale of the fucking Century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Nick the Greek : All right all right, keep your Alans on! [ Peels off notes from his wad ]
Nick the Greek : Here's a ton.
Tom, Eddie : Jesus Christ!
Eddie : You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What're you doing when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek : 100 pound is still 100 pound.
Tom : Not when the price is 200 pound it ain't! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.
Tom : Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the Sale of the fucking Century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Nick the Greek : All right all right, keep your Alans on! [ Peels off notes from his wad ]
Nick the Greek : Here's a ton.
Tom, Eddie : Jesus Christ!
Eddie : You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What're you doing when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek : 100 pound is still 100 pound.
Tom : Not when the price is 200 pound it ain't! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
[ after shooting each other ]
Gary : What the fuck are you doing here?
Barry the Baptist : What the FUCK are YOU doing here?
Gary : What the fuck are you doing here?
Barry the Baptist : What the FUCK are YOU doing here?
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
[ first lines ]
Bacon : Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie : Did you say ten pound?
Bacon : Are you deaf?
Eddie : That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon : Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie : Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon : Shit.
Bacon : Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie : Did you say ten pound?
Bacon : Are you deaf?
Eddie : That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon : Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie : Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon : Shit.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Rory Breaker : What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
Winston : Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
Rory Breaker : You don't say.
Winston : Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
Rory Breaker : You don't say.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie : Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Soap : Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom : Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon : I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
Soap : Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom : Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon : I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Barry the Baptist : Fucking northern monkeys!
Lenny : I hate these fucking southern fairies!
Lenny : I hate these fucking southern fairies!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
"Hatchet" Harry : You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
Eddie : Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
"Hatchet" Harry : Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
Eddie : Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
"Hatchet" Harry : Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Rory Breaker : Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause I'm not fucking laughing Nicholas.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Rory Breaker : Get Nick, that greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, if he's stupid enough to still be on this planet.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Bacon : Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Rory Breaker : Your stupidity may be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek : Uuugh?
Rory Breaker : Don't "uuugh" me, Greek boy!
Nick the Greek : Uuugh?
Rory Breaker : Don't "uuugh" me, Greek boy!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Barfly Jack : He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Tom : Rory Breaker?
Barfly Jack : Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated, you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone to the local battle-cruiser to catch the end of his footer. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders over and turns the Liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the guy. 'That's fucking what' says Rory. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he then flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man's lit up like a leaky gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil.
Barfly Jack : Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated, you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone to the local battle-cruiser to catch the end of his footer. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders over and turns the Liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the guy. 'That's fucking what' says Rory. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he then flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man's lit up like a leaky gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Barry the Baptist : When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie : The entire British empire was built on cups of tea...
Bacon : Yeah, and look what happened to that.
Eddie : ...And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.
Bacon : Yeah, and look what happened to that.
Eddie : ...And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Gary : So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for?
Barry the Baptist : You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
Gary : I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films.
Barry the Baptist : Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.
Barry the Baptist : You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
Gary : I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films.
Barry the Baptist : Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Tom : Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er... I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!
Bacon : So how long do you have to wait for a return?
Tom : Probably no more than four weeks.
Bacon : Well what good is that if we need it in six... no, five days?
Tom : Well it was still a good idea.
Bacon : So how long do you have to wait for a return?
Tom : Probably no more than four weeks.
Bacon : Well what good is that if we need it in six... no, five days?
Tom : Well it was still a good idea.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Big Chris : I've got some bad news for you, John.
John : What the fuck? [ Chris closes tanning parlor on John ]
Big Chris : Mind your language in front of the boy!
John : Jesus Christ! [ Chris does it again ]
Big Chris : That includes blasphemy as well!
John : What the fuck? [ Chris closes tanning parlor on John ]
Big Chris : Mind your language in front of the boy!
John : Jesus Christ! [ Chris does it again ]
Big Chris : That includes blasphemy as well!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Soap : A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Don : I'll fold.
Phil : Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school?
Don : No, I also learned the word cunt!
Phil : Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school?
Don : No, I also learned the word cunt!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Bacon : What's that?
Samoan Joe's Barman : It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
Bacon : No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!
Samoan Joe's Barman : You want a pint, you go to the pub.
Bacon : I thought this was a pub!
Samoan Joes Barman : It's a Samoan pub.
Samoan Joe's Barman : It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
Bacon : No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!
Samoan Joe's Barman : You want a pint, you go to the pub.
Bacon : I thought this was a pub!
Samoan Joes Barman : It's a Samoan pub.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie : Twenty grand, open.
"Hatchet" Harry : Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie.
Eddie : Fifty grand.
"Hatchet" Harry : Eighty grand.
Eddie : One hundred grand.
Player : Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know...
"Hatchet" Harry : I know you're not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know.
"Hatchet" Harry : Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie.
Eddie : Fifty grand.
"Hatchet" Harry : Eighty grand.
Eddie : One hundred grand.
Player : Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know...
"Hatchet" Harry : I know you're not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
JD : I do know your reputation. So I choose my words very carefully. You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Big Chris : Now... I'll put that on a shock. Only once.
Big Chris : Now... I'll put that on a shock. Only once.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Tom : They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels