Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes
Dog : What the fuck is that?
Mickey : It's me bren gun.
Dog : Couldn't you have thought of something more practical?
Mickey : It's me bren gun.
Dog : Couldn't you have thought of something more practical?
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Barry the Baptist : Hello son, would you like a lolly?
Little Chris : Piss off, you nonce!
Little Chris : Piss off, you nonce!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Barry the Baptist : [ Barry is trying to stop his computer switching off ] Come on! Not now, please, not - [ computer goes off ]
Barry the Baptist : Oh, you fucking bastard.
Barry the Baptist : Oh, you fucking bastard.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Paul : Come take a look at this.
Traffic Warden : Take a look at what, exactly?
Paul : Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it, [ knocks him out ]
Paul : and I'm off.
Traffic Warden : Take a look at what, exactly?
Paul : Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it, [ knocks him out ]
Paul : and I'm off.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Tom : [ after having just robbed Dog and his crew ] Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?
Soap : When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Eddie : Bacon, see what we've got.
Bacon : Let's have a butcher's, eh? [ as he inspects their loot ]
Bacon : We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
Tom : What? [ Bacon holds up an unconscious man ]
Tom : Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!
Bacon : I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
Eddie : I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon : Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie : I don't know! Use your imagination! [ Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain ]
Tom : Don't touch him up! Knock him out!
Bacon : I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.
Eddie : I fucking hate traffic wardens. [ after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless ]
Soap : When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Eddie : Bacon, see what we've got.
Bacon : Let's have a butcher's, eh? [ as he inspects their loot ]
Bacon : We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
Tom : What? [ Bacon holds up an unconscious man ]
Tom : Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!
Bacon : I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
Eddie : I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon : Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie : I don't know! Use your imagination! [ Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain ]
Tom : Don't touch him up! Knock him out!
Bacon : I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.
Eddie : I fucking hate traffic wardens. [ after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless ]
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Dog : I'll find you... I'll find you.
Bacon : 'Course you will sweetheart! [ Ties Dog's hands behind him ]
Dog : I'll find you.
Bacon : What d'you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?
Bacon : 'Course you will sweetheart! [ Ties Dog's hands behind him ]
Dog : I'll find you.
Bacon : What d'you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
"Hatchet" Harry : It's about time you paid our young friends a visit, Chris. Today's the day and mum's the word, and I can't have that, can I?
Big Chris : No, 'Arry, you can't.
"Hatchet" Harry : I mean, it's a liberty. And I can't have liberties taken, can I, Barry?
Barry the Baptist : No, 'Arry, you can't.
"Hatchet" Harry : I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole. And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?
Big Chris, Barry the Baptist : No, 'Arry, you can't.
Big Chris : No, 'Arry, you can't.
"Hatchet" Harry : I mean, it's a liberty. And I can't have liberties taken, can I, Barry?
Barry the Baptist : No, 'Arry, you can't.
"Hatchet" Harry : I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole. And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?
Big Chris, Barry the Baptist : No, 'Arry, you can't.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie : That's quite a raise. That's 150 on my 100.
"Hatchet" Harry : Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say?
"Hatchet" Harry : Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say?
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie : As you know this puts us in awkward position... I don't have enough to continue.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Big Chris : [ Big Chris has just explained that Eddie is in debt with Hatchet Harry ] I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, a good father.
JD : Go on.
Big Chris : He likes your bar.
JD : Yes?
Big Chris : He wants your bar.
JD : And?
Big Chris : Do you want me to draw you a picture?
JD : Go on.
Big Chris : He likes your bar.
JD : Yes?
Big Chris : He wants your bar.
JD : And?
Big Chris : Do you want me to draw you a picture?
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Gary : I've just spent 120 quid on me hair. If you think I'm puttin a stockin over me head you're very much mistaken.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Dean : [ after seeing Gary holding a candle under the house owner's feet ] Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doin?
Gary : I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
Dean : You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture! We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?
Gary : I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
Dean : You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture! We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Barry the Baptist : [ answering his phone ] What?
Dean : I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry!
Barry the Baptist : Did you get those guns?
Dean : You wanna see what they did to poor Gary? [ calling out to a delirious Gary ]
Dean : Gary? Gary?
Barry the Baptist : I said, did you get those guns?
Dean : YES, WE GOT THEM!
Barry the Baptist : Good, I'll speak to you later [ hangs up the phone ]
Dean : Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now mate okay? [ turning his attention back to Barry ]
Dean : Barry? Barry? Fucking sodding shandy-drinking bastard!
Dean : I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry!
Barry the Baptist : Did you get those guns?
Dean : You wanna see what they did to poor Gary? [ calling out to a delirious Gary ]
Dean : Gary? Gary?
Barry the Baptist : I said, did you get those guns?
Dean : YES, WE GOT THEM!
Barry the Baptist : Good, I'll speak to you later [ hangs up the phone ]
Dean : Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now mate okay? [ turning his attention back to Barry ]
Dean : Barry? Barry? Fucking sodding shandy-drinking bastard!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Rory Breaker : Your stupidity must be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek : Uh?
Rory Breaker : Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause Im not fucking laughing Ni-ko-las!
Nick the Greek : [ shrugs nervously ]
Rory Breaker : I know you couldn't have known my position 'cause you're not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse with that "what's going on here?" look slapped all over your chevy chase! But what you do know is where these people live. [ rises from his chair and walks towards Nick ]
Rory Breaker : If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya! Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.
Nick the Greek : [ nods nervously ]
Nick the Greek : Uh?
Rory Breaker : Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause Im not fucking laughing Ni-ko-las!
Nick the Greek : [ shrugs nervously ]
Rory Breaker : I know you couldn't have known my position 'cause you're not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse with that "what's going on here?" look slapped all over your chevy chase! But what you do know is where these people live. [ rises from his chair and walks towards Nick ]
Rory Breaker : If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya! Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.
Nick the Greek : [ nods nervously ]
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Big Chris : [ after rear-ending Eddie outside of Harry's ] You alright, mate? [ Spots the bag of money he just gave to Harry in Eddie's lap ]
Big Chris : Cheeky bastard!
Big Chris : Cheeky bastard!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie : Tom, you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.
Bacon : And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Bacon : And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Soap : You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
Tom : They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?
Soap : You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick.
Tom : They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?
Soap : You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie : I don't know. What I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt. And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem. And there's no problem with the neighbors... because they're all dead. And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong... we're in the clear.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Tom : I want to look fucking mean!
Nick the Greek : Of course you'll look mean! You'll look really scary...
Nick the Greek : Of course you'll look mean! You'll look really scary...
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
[ about to kill Willie with a machete ]
Mickey : It's time to say goodnight, nurse!
Mickey : It's time to say goodnight, nurse!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Soap : What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?
Tom : It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid!
Soap : Brother, mother, any other sucker. It don't make any difference. They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets!
Tom : It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid!
Soap : Brother, mother, any other sucker. It don't make any difference. They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets!
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Dog : So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we? In fact, this is a bit more than a bit of a problem. I'd say it's the Mount fucking Everest of problems! And the reason it's such a fucking monstrosity of a problem is, *you haven't got the first idea who did this to us, have ya*?
Plank : We've been up all night. It's no one from round here. We've had 'em all lined up against the wall. If it was a toerag from the manor, we'd know.
Dog : [ screaming ] You'd know? You'd fucking know? You wouldn't know if it was the next door *fucking* neighbours! Get out there and find them! I'm sick of the fucking sight of ya! [ Kicks Plank's head through a wall, revealing a set of listening equipment ]
Plank : We've been up all night. It's no one from round here. We've had 'em all lined up against the wall. If it was a toerag from the manor, we'd know.
Dog : [ screaming ] You'd know? You'd fucking know? You wouldn't know if it was the next door *fucking* neighbours! Get out there and find them! I'm sick of the fucking sight of ya! [ Kicks Plank's head through a wall, revealing a set of listening equipment ]
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Dog : Golf - the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.
Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels