Modern Family Quotes
Mitchell Pritchett: You don't know what you're missing. 45 varieties of lavender.
Cameron Tucker: You're not making the compelling case you think you are.
Cameron Tucker: You're not making the compelling case you think you are.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil Dunphy: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah I am pretty much not afraid of anything.
Cameron Tucker: [Cut to Cameron entering dressed as Fizbo the clown] Well hey hey hey hey everybody! Quit your clowning around, that's my job!
Phil Dunphy: Except clowns. Never shared that with the 'fam, so shhh! I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's cause when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods. But who knows?
Cameron Tucker: [Cut to Cameron entering dressed as Fizbo the clown] Well hey hey hey hey everybody! Quit your clowning around, that's my job!
Phil Dunphy: Except clowns. Never shared that with the 'fam, so shhh! I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's cause when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods. But who knows?
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron Tucker: Hey Phil, are you getting a clown for today?
Phil Dunphy: Ohhh - no. Luke's not much of a clown fan.
Cameron Tucker: Really?
Phil Dunphy: Yeah, he never liked 'em.
Cameron Tucker: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil Dunphy: Has anyone?
Phil Dunphy: Ohhh - no. Luke's not much of a clown fan.
Cameron Tucker: Really?
Phil Dunphy: Yeah, he never liked 'em.
Cameron Tucker: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil Dunphy: Has anyone?
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron Tucker: [answers phone] Hello?
Mitchell Pritchett: There's a pigeon in the house! What do I do, what do I do?
Cameron Tucker: Who is this?
Mitchell Pritchett: Not funny, not funny now.
Cameron Tucker: Relax, I was around animals as a kid. One time, a rooster got inside, my mother wrung its neck and we had it for dinner.
Mitchell Pritchett: Not the time for an anecdote.
Mitchell Pritchett: There's a pigeon in the house! What do I do, what do I do?
Cameron Tucker: Who is this?
Mitchell Pritchett: Not funny, not funny now.
Cameron Tucker: Relax, I was around animals as a kid. One time, a rooster got inside, my mother wrung its neck and we had it for dinner.
Mitchell Pritchett: Not the time for an anecdote.
TV Show: Modern Family
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why are you wasting time on my little boy? See that old lady with the cane? She could be hiding a ceramic knife in there that could pass through the metal detector, and here you are harrasing a little kid!
TSA-Airport Security: You seem to know a lot about smuggling contraband onto a plane.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yeah, I'm Columbian.
TSA-Airport Security: You seem to know a lot about smuggling contraband onto a plane.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yeah, I'm Columbian.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil Dunphy: I just want to say I'm sorry. I never meant to blame you for that whole picture thing. Your mom sort of thought it was yours and I should have stopped it, but I didn't.
Luke Dunphy: So what was the picture of?
Phil Dunphy: Well, it was a woman on a tractor, and she had her shirt off.
Luke Dunphy: Was it hot?
Phil Dunphy: Okay, we're being honest here. Umm... this particular woman - well, my tastes do run to the curvy, and the cowboy had did not hurt one bit. Couple that with the cut-off jeans - and you were asking about the weather, weren't you?
Luke Dunphy: So what was the picture of?
Phil Dunphy: Well, it was a woman on a tractor, and she had her shirt off.
Luke Dunphy: Was it hot?
Phil Dunphy: Okay, we're being honest here. Umm... this particular woman - well, my tastes do run to the curvy, and the cowboy had did not hurt one bit. Couple that with the cut-off jeans - and you were asking about the weather, weren't you?
TV Show: Modern Family
Mitchell: [To Cameron, who has been over complimenting their pediatrician] Take it down a notch, we’re trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laughing out loud. OMG: Oh my God. WTF: Why the face? Um you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical so..
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
Phil: We were serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.
Luke: I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go.
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2: 00.
Phil: I can't shoot him at 2: 00. I'm showing a house at 2: 00.
Alex: What about 3: 00?
Claire: No, he's got a soccer game at 3: 00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5: 00. 4: 15. We could shoot him at 4: 15.
Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
Phil: We were serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.
Luke: I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go.
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2: 00.
Phil: I can't shoot him at 2: 00. I'm showing a house at 2: 00.
Alex: What about 3: 00?
Claire: No, he's got a soccer game at 3: 00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5: 00. 4: 15. We could shoot him at 4: 15.
Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.
TV Show: Modern Family
Mitchell: [To Cameron] Wow, paisley and pink? Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?
TV Show: Modern Family
Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman... is that they both landed in this country illegally.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: [To Dylan-Haley's boyfriend] Hey, come in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I'll catch you up. OK, so that guy is the tying run - interesting story about him: he's been stuck on second base forever, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea - how are you and Haley doing?"
TV Show: Modern Family
Gloria: I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter [laughing]. But just for a few times, I didn’t want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died. [cut to Jay giving her a horrified look]
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: [To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: [About Manny] Our son is not weird. What's weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.
TV Show: Modern Family
Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug…creates a tripping hazard…and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug…creates a tripping hazard…and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.
TV Show: Modern Family
Manny: [after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?
Gloria: No one, Manny.
Jay: Why would you even think that?
Gloria: In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.
Gloria: No one, Manny.
Jay: Why would you even think that?
Gloria: In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.
TV Show: Modern Family
Mitchell: [To the Emergency Assistance] Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.
Mitchell: Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.
Cameron: No, I don't.
Mitchell: Okay, your nephew's first birthday.
Cameron: That's not fair.
Mitchell: You brought a wind machine.
Cameron: To be fair, my vision was--
Mitchell: Cameron, you brought a wind machine.
Cameron: Who puts wheels on cribs?
Mitchell: Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.
Cameron: No, I don't.
Mitchell: Okay, your nephew's first birthday.
Cameron: That's not fair.
Mitchell: You brought a wind machine.
Cameron: To be fair, my vision was--
Mitchell: Cameron, you brought a wind machine.
Cameron: Who puts wheels on cribs?
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.
Claire: Hey guys! I brought orange slices.
Cameron: Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.
[Cameron and the girls leave the scene]
Mitchell: Thanks, Cam.
Claire: Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?
Mitchell: Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.
Claire: Yeah, 21 years ago...
Mitchell: Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...
Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.
Claire: Hey guys! I brought orange slices.
Cameron: Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.
[Cameron and the girls leave the scene]
Mitchell: Thanks, Cam.
Claire: Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?
Mitchell: Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.
Claire: Yeah, 21 years ago...
Mitchell: Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...
Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.
Phil: [Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.
Phil: [Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: [upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.
Claire: You don't like it?
Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.
Claire: You don't like it?
Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: Hey, Phil... are you getting a Clown for today?
Phil: Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.
Cameron: Really?
Phil: Yeah, never really liked them
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has anyone?!
Phil: Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.
Cameron: Really?
Phil: Yeah, never really liked them
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has anyone?!
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I’m pretty much not afraid of anything...except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh- I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it’s because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods- but who knows?
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
Phil: One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.
Phil: One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.
TV Show: Modern Family
Gloria: Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.
Jay: But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.
TV Show: Modern Family
Javier: Hey, you're not leaving are you?
Manny: I've got school.
Javier: Wha-?! School!
Gloria: Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!
Javier: [points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?
Jay: He's weak.
Javier: Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.
Jay: I know but I kinda got work-
Javier: Pssh, work!
Manny: Go, Jay!
Gloria: Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!
Manny: Okay!
Gloria: NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!
Manny: I've got school.
Javier: Wha-?! School!
Gloria: Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!
Javier: [points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?
Jay: He's weak.
Javier: Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.
Jay: I know but I kinda got work-
Javier: Pssh, work!
Manny: Go, Jay!
Gloria: Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!
Manny: Okay!
Gloria: NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!
TV Show: Modern Family
Alex: Did you draw on my poster?
Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.
Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Haley: Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.
Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.
Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Haley: Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.
Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.
Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.
TV Show: Modern Family