Mr. Show Quotes
Moe Phelps (Bob): All acting is is jumping up and down and yelling and screaming a lot.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Local World News network anchor (Bob): Later tonight, we'll have an update from the war-torn Gaza Strip, where Betty McPhee will tell us all about Tripper, the counting dog.
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Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Do you really think court cases are decided by judges and juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?
John Hamlinson, managing associate of law firm (Tom Kenny): Oh, Danny! How could you be so naïve?
Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Danny, court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs!
John Hamlinson, managing associate of law firm (Tom Kenny): Oh, Danny! How could you be so naïve?
Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Danny, court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Ken Doral, host of the "Pre-taped Call-in Show" (David): If you wanted to talk about pet care, you should have called last week, when our show on racism was airing, but we were taping the pet care show, which is airing now.
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Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): This is not a playground so leave your lunchboxes at home, as well as your games, and um, jokes, and balls, and riddles.
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Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): You come in here with heads filled with soup, when you are done with law school, your brain will be like a steel trap with the bloody foot of law inside it, crying out for its mommy!
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Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): By the time this class is over, two of you will be murdered. One of you will commit suicide. One of you will get injured…in the leg. Two of you will quit law school because it’s so hard…and you’ll go off to run an apple butter farm.
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Pharmacy "customer" (Brian Posehn): I know what you mean...my doctor says I need marijuana to get high.
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Talk show audience member (Jerry Minor): You need to respect the baby, 'cause life is precious... and God... and the Bible.
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Talk show host, Todd Linder Flohman (Bob): You stupid, petty, Prince-looking, no-island-remembering motherfucker!
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Bob: ... the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee.
David: Let's hear it for the IBTC. They work hard!
David: Let's hear it for the IBTC. They work hard!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Incompetent kidnapper (Bob): One...thousand dollars if you ever want to see my toe again.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Wyckyd Sceptre band member #1 (Bob): Dude, show me your weenis!
Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Look at my hard dick. Isn't it rad?
Wyckyd Sceptre band member #3 (John Ennis): I'm so horny, dude!
Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Well then, dude, suck that shit!
Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Look at my hard dick. Isn't it rad?
Wyckyd Sceptre band member #3 (John Ennis): I'm so horny, dude!
Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Well then, dude, suck that shit!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): You can't trust a man what's made of gas! Not you, Zaxon, you're one of the good ones. There's white people made of gas, you know what I mean.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): My relatives didn't move here to be put out of work by some shifty-eyed, lazy, yellow-metal, China-bots!
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Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): Keep 'em comin', Gleep Glop...
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Glenn Petersen, phone sex guru (Bob): You're just jealous because I'm more of a woman than you'll ever be!
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Del Crow (Bob): Already our little one's got a scholarship to Miss Lily's Finishing School.
Interviewer: What's that?
Del Crow (Bob): It's a - a school where they teach ya - how to finish.
Interviewer: What's that?
Del Crow (Bob): It's a - a school where they teach ya - how to finish.
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Burgundy Loafe customer (David): You want me to shit in a box while I'm eating dinner?
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Larry Kleist, rapist (Bob): Hello, Larry is my name. Insurance is my game. Raping was another game of mine...
TV Show: Mr. Show