My Family Quotes
Ben Harper: Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling, look how much Charlie Chortles charging!
Susan Harper: Actually we're not having Charlie Chortle. He's having gall bladder surgery.
Ben Harper: Can't the kids watch that? It'll be cheaper and funnier.
Susan Harper: Actually we're not having Charlie Chortle. He's having gall bladder surgery.
Ben Harper: Can't the kids watch that? It'll be cheaper and funnier.
TV Show: My Family
(Ben and Susan discuss Janey's habit of going out with boy after boy for her own benefit)
Susan Harper: It's just a phase, she'll grow out of it.
Ben Harper: I should hope so.
Susan Harper: I did.
Ben Harper: I should bloody hope so.
Susan Harper: It's just a phase, she'll grow out of it.
Ben Harper: I should hope so.
Susan Harper: I did.
Ben Harper: I should bloody hope so.
TV Show: My Family
Ben Harper: (moaning about his annoying neighbour Mr. Casey, who he detests) Whatever possessed Mr. Casey to get a dog? I mean, if I popped my cloggs, would you replace me with a pet?
Susan Harper: No pet could replace you. Except perhaps a bad tempered ferret.
Susan Harper: No pet could replace you. Except perhaps a bad tempered ferret.
TV Show: My Family
(Susan's new boss, the rotund American Scott Taylor, has come round for dinner. Ben and Susan have to cater for his every need)
Ben Harper: Coffee. Scott, to make you feel at home, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.
Scott Taylor: No coffee for me. I feel sick. Your wife has triggered my acid reflux.
Ben Harper: I know, I know. Isn't she marvolous.
Ben Harper: Coffee. Scott, to make you feel at home, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.
Scott Taylor: No coffee for me. I feel sick. Your wife has triggered my acid reflux.
Ben Harper: I know, I know. Isn't she marvolous.
TV Show: My Family
(Ben, Susan, Nick and Michael are stuck on the tube with a bunch of halfwits for company)
Ben Harper: Oh, for crying out loud...
Susan Harper: Calm down, Ben. It's only been five minutes.
Nick Harper: (staring at a nervous, elderly couple) That's how it always starts. With five minutes. Then ten. Then half an hour. Then an hour. Then two hours... and then a month.
Ben Harper: Nick.
Nick Harper: Then two months.
Ben Harper: Nick.
Nick Harper: Then a year!
Ben Harper: Nick, please!
Barry Hall: Could you please get your son to be quiet.
Ben Harper: No, but you have a go, by all means.
Barry Hall: He's making my wife nervous.
Ben Harper: You'll get used to it.
Barry Hall: That's right. Nothing to do with you. Just wash your hands of it.
Susan Harper: Don't worry. He has.
Ben Harper: Oh, for crying out loud...
Susan Harper: Calm down, Ben. It's only been five minutes.
Nick Harper: (staring at a nervous, elderly couple) That's how it always starts. With five minutes. Then ten. Then half an hour. Then an hour. Then two hours... and then a month.
Ben Harper: Nick.
Nick Harper: Then two months.
Ben Harper: Nick.
Nick Harper: Then a year!
Ben Harper: Nick, please!
Barry Hall: Could you please get your son to be quiet.
Ben Harper: No, but you have a go, by all means.
Barry Hall: He's making my wife nervous.
Ben Harper: You'll get used to it.
Barry Hall: That's right. Nothing to do with you. Just wash your hands of it.
Susan Harper: Don't worry. He has.
TV Show: My Family
(it's Ben's birthday and no one has got him any presents, as he said he didn't want any fuss)
Nick Harper: Who's the birthday boy!
Ben Harper: I dread to think what you got me for a present.
Nick Harper: I didn't get you anything.
Ben Harper: I, er... thank you.
Nick Harper: No, only joking!
Ben Harper: Ha, ha, ha! So where is it?
Nick Harper: So here it is. "The soft answer turneth away wrath."
Ben Harper: What kinda hell present's that?
Nick Harper: The best kind. A few well chosen words of advice. May not cost much, but they'll last you a lifetime.
Ben Harper: Yeah, well these cornflakes won't.
Nick Harper: Who's the birthday boy!
Ben Harper: I dread to think what you got me for a present.
Nick Harper: I didn't get you anything.
Ben Harper: I, er... thank you.
Nick Harper: No, only joking!
Ben Harper: Ha, ha, ha! So where is it?
Nick Harper: So here it is. "The soft answer turneth away wrath."
Ben Harper: What kinda hell present's that?
Nick Harper: The best kind. A few well chosen words of advice. May not cost much, but they'll last you a lifetime.
Ben Harper: Yeah, well these cornflakes won't.
TV Show: My Family
Susan Harper: The glass is always half empty with you, isn't it?
Ben Harper: Half empty. Chipped. Cracked. Dirty. Smeared with toxic, germ-ridden, radioactive se--
Susan Harper: Anyway...
Ben Harper: Half empty. Chipped. Cracked. Dirty. Smeared with toxic, germ-ridden, radioactive se--
Susan Harper: Anyway...
TV Show: My Family
(Susan's alcoholic mother, Grace, is staying for Christmas)
Ben Harper: (turns a corner and finds Grace standing in his way) Nosferato! Oh, Grace. Uh, as much as I hate to ask, I need you to do a favour for me.
Grace: (eagerly) You want me to feed the hose through the window while you start the engine?
Ben Harper: Let's save something for the new year, Grace. I was just wondering if you might have a suggestion for Susan's Christmas present?
Grace: A divorce?
Ben Harper: I wasn't thinking of spending that much.
Ben Harper: (turns a corner and finds Grace standing in his way) Nosferato! Oh, Grace. Uh, as much as I hate to ask, I need you to do a favour for me.
Grace: (eagerly) You want me to feed the hose through the window while you start the engine?
Ben Harper: Let's save something for the new year, Grace. I was just wondering if you might have a suggestion for Susan's Christmas present?
Grace: A divorce?
Ben Harper: I wasn't thinking of spending that much.
TV Show: My Family
(Ben is trying to reach the top of the Christmas tree to put the fairy on top)
Grace: Oh, higher, Ben! The fairy goes on the top.
Ben Harper: I know where to stick the fairy! I also know where I would like to stick the fairy.
Grace: Oh, higher, Ben! The fairy goes on the top.
Ben Harper: I know where to stick the fairy! I also know where I would like to stick the fairy.
TV Show: My Family
Grace: (drunk) Anyone want an aspirin? I do!
Ben Harper: Why don't you swallow the whole bottle, ya bat.
Ben Harper: Why don't you swallow the whole bottle, ya bat.
TV Show: My Family
(Nick is watching bull baiting on Spanish TV)
Nick Harper: Wow, man. This is fantastic!
Michael Harper: What do you mean?
Nick Harper: Well, this. The special effects. It really does look like that bull is gettin' skewered.
Michael Harper: It is.
Nick Harper: (chuckles) Michael, you're so naive. I mean, that is a special blend of anamatronics and CGI. I mean, did you think Jurassic Park was real?
Michael Harper: No.
Nick Harper: Well, there you are. Do you seriously think that grown up people would spend three hours in a hot, dusty arena, tormenting a fellow creature to death?
Michael Harper: Yes.
Nick Harper: Oh, come on, the whole country would be up in arms!
Nick Harper: Wow, man. This is fantastic!
Michael Harper: What do you mean?
Nick Harper: Well, this. The special effects. It really does look like that bull is gettin' skewered.
Michael Harper: It is.
Nick Harper: (chuckles) Michael, you're so naive. I mean, that is a special blend of anamatronics and CGI. I mean, did you think Jurassic Park was real?
Michael Harper: No.
Nick Harper: Well, there you are. Do you seriously think that grown up people would spend three hours in a hot, dusty arena, tormenting a fellow creature to death?
Michael Harper: Yes.
Nick Harper: Oh, come on, the whole country would be up in arms!
TV Show: My Family
[Ben discovers his Barry White record is broken]
Susan: I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
Ben: Yes there is. Nick!
Susan: How do you know?
Ben: It's a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals, NICK!
Susan: I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
Ben: Yes there is. Nick!
Susan: How do you know?
Ben: It's a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals, NICK!
TV Show: My Family
Susan: We have three children. Nick, Janey and Michael.
Ben: Or in our hearts: Huey, Dewey and Louie.
Susan: Michael is my rock.
[Flashback of Susan hugging Michael]
Michael: I can't breath.
Susan: Janey is lovely.
[Flashback of Janey in a tantrum]
Janey: I HATE you!
Susan: Nick is... our eldest.
[Various flashbacks of Nick telling of his latest jobs]
Nick: I'm an astronaut.
Nick: I'm forming a motorcycle stunt display team.
Nick: Sperm donor.
Ben: He's a pillock.
Ben: Or in our hearts: Huey, Dewey and Louie.
Susan: Michael is my rock.
[Flashback of Susan hugging Michael]
Michael: I can't breath.
Susan: Janey is lovely.
[Flashback of Janey in a tantrum]
Janey: I HATE you!
Susan: Nick is... our eldest.
[Various flashbacks of Nick telling of his latest jobs]
Nick: I'm an astronaut.
Nick: I'm forming a motorcycle stunt display team.
Nick: Sperm donor.
Ben: He's a pillock.
TV Show: My Family
(Susan enters a confession box, planning to confess that she killed her new boss, the rotund American businessman Scott Tatlor, who died of a heart attack after arguing with Susan. Susan beleives that if she hadn't have argued with him, he would still be alive)
Susan Harper: (entering the confession box and lighting a cigarette) It's so small in here. You'd think if you were cofessing your sins, they'd at least make it a little bit more comfortable.
(she pulls back the curtain and is surprised to see Reverend Boyle. She puts out her cigarette in a hurry)
Reverend Boyle: Welcome.
Susan Harper: Oh, hello! How are you?
Reverend Boyle: I'm fine. When was your last confession?
Susan Harper: I'm a little new to this. Forgive me.
Reverend Boyle: All right.
Susan Harper: Well, that was easy.
Reverend Boyle: Shall we just get right to the confessions then?
Susan Harper: Right, right. To be honest, I'm not sure how this works. I've seen films--
Reverend Boyle: Well, you tell me your sins and I give you a penance. For instance, have you taken the Lord's name in vane or had any impure thoughts?
Susan Harper: Of course, but that's not why I'm here. I... I killed a man.
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Really?
Susan Harper: That is a sin, right?
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Yes! One of the biggest!
Susan Harper: I didn't mean to do it.
Reverend Boyle: No, no, of course not.
Susan Harper: You see, my boss and I were having this... healthy debate, about his new company pollicies.
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Yes, yes, go on.
Susan Harper: All of them completely idiotic. Anyway, things got out of hand.
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Ooh!
Sus
Susan Harper: (entering the confession box and lighting a cigarette) It's so small in here. You'd think if you were cofessing your sins, they'd at least make it a little bit more comfortable.
(she pulls back the curtain and is surprised to see Reverend Boyle. She puts out her cigarette in a hurry)
Reverend Boyle: Welcome.
Susan Harper: Oh, hello! How are you?
Reverend Boyle: I'm fine. When was your last confession?
Susan Harper: I'm a little new to this. Forgive me.
Reverend Boyle: All right.
Susan Harper: Well, that was easy.
Reverend Boyle: Shall we just get right to the confessions then?
Susan Harper: Right, right. To be honest, I'm not sure how this works. I've seen films--
Reverend Boyle: Well, you tell me your sins and I give you a penance. For instance, have you taken the Lord's name in vane or had any impure thoughts?
Susan Harper: Of course, but that's not why I'm here. I... I killed a man.
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Really?
Susan Harper: That is a sin, right?
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Yes! One of the biggest!
Susan Harper: I didn't mean to do it.
Reverend Boyle: No, no, of course not.
Susan Harper: You see, my boss and I were having this... healthy debate, about his new company pollicies.
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Yes, yes, go on.
Susan Harper: All of them completely idiotic. Anyway, things got out of hand.
Reverend Boyle: (excited) Ooh!
Sus
TV Show: My Family
(it's bed time, and Susan is uncomfortable about sleeping on her side of the bed, as Scott Taylor passed away whilst sleeping on it the previous night)
Ben Harper: Hey, that's my side.
Susan Harper: Well, I'm not sleeping on my side, that's where Scott--
Ben Harper: No, no he did not. When I found him, he was on my side.
Susan Harper: You're lying, aren't you?
Ben Harper: No.
(Ben tries to push Susan onto her side, but she blocks him) Alright, Ben. You get in the dead side.
Ben Harper: (acting calm) Yeah, okay. Okay.
(he tries to pull back the covers, but jumps at each attempt)
Susan Harper: (jittery) Don't be silly! Just get into bed!
Ben Harper: Oh, I see. Being afraid of ghosts is the hight of rationality, but being slightly squeamish about sleeping on the death side is silly, is it?!
Susan Harper: Look, it's been a long day. Let's just calm down.
(Ben makes another attempt to get into bed)
Ben Harper: That's it. I'm gonna sleep on the couch. I'll just leave you two alone... (spooky) whooo!
Susan Harper: (throws the duvet over herself and trails after Ben) Oh, Ben! No! Don't do that!
Ben Harper: Hey, that's my side.
Susan Harper: Well, I'm not sleeping on my side, that's where Scott--
Ben Harper: No, no he did not. When I found him, he was on my side.
Susan Harper: You're lying, aren't you?
Ben Harper: No.
(Ben tries to push Susan onto her side, but she blocks him) Alright, Ben. You get in the dead side.
Ben Harper: (acting calm) Yeah, okay. Okay.
(he tries to pull back the covers, but jumps at each attempt)
Susan Harper: (jittery) Don't be silly! Just get into bed!
Ben Harper: Oh, I see. Being afraid of ghosts is the hight of rationality, but being slightly squeamish about sleeping on the death side is silly, is it?!
Susan Harper: Look, it's been a long day. Let's just calm down.
(Ben makes another attempt to get into bed)
Ben Harper: That's it. I'm gonna sleep on the couch. I'll just leave you two alone... (spooky) whooo!
Susan Harper: (throws the duvet over herself and trails after Ben) Oh, Ben! No! Don't do that!
TV Show: My Family
Rodger Bailey: Ho, ho, ho, Ben!
Ben Harper: Go, go, go, Rodger!
Rodger Bailey: Don't be such a grumpy old Scrooge!
Ben Harper: For your information, Scrooge was very much the misunderstood hero of that book. Until the end where Dickens copped out and made him nice.
Rodger Bailey: You're like this every year.
Ben Harper: I believe in tradition.
Ben Harper: Go, go, go, Rodger!
Rodger Bailey: Don't be such a grumpy old Scrooge!
Ben Harper: For your information, Scrooge was very much the misunderstood hero of that book. Until the end where Dickens copped out and made him nice.
Rodger Bailey: You're like this every year.
Ben Harper: I believe in tradition.
TV Show: My Family
(Ben is eating Chinese takeaway in the kitchen. Nick enters from the living room)
Nick Harper: Is that Chinese takeaway?
Ben Harper: No, it's Chinese keep-away.
Nick Harper: Is that Chinese takeaway?
Ben Harper: No, it's Chinese keep-away.
TV Show: My Family
Susan: It's called Chocolate Raisin Turkey with Caramel.
(Ben looks at her cookbook)
Susan: It's Moroccan.
Ben: Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together.
Susan: That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.
(Ben looks at her cookbook)
Susan: It's Moroccan.
Ben: Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together.
Susan: That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.
TV Show: My Family
Susan Harper: (hears someone knocking on the door) Who could that be at this hour?
Ben Harper: It'll be carol singers. Scum.
Ben Harper: It'll be carol singers. Scum.
TV Show: My Family
(Alfie, a scruffy yet well-mannered friend of Nick, arrives on the Harpers doorstep. Susan invites him in, much to Ben's dismay)
Susan Harper: Come on, Ben. Alfie is like the Christmas traveller, looking for shelter. Like Mary and Joseph?
Ben Harper: Yes, but no one was worried Mary and Joseph were gonna nick their video.
Susan Harper: Come on, Ben. Alfie is like the Christmas traveller, looking for shelter. Like Mary and Joseph?
Ben Harper: Yes, but no one was worried Mary and Joseph were gonna nick their video.
TV Show: My Family
(it's Christmas Day, and Susan has given everyone revolting ties)
Ben: (cringng) It's the thought that counts.
Michael Harper: Shame it's such a horrible thought.
Ben: (cringng) It's the thought that counts.
Michael Harper: Shame it's such a horrible thought.
TV Show: My Family
Rodger Bailey: I've closed the surgery early, for Christmas!
Ben Harper: Are you totally insane? This is our buisiest time of the year, all the cracked teeth from the nuts, the smashed mouths from all the office party punch ups. Yes, this is the dentist's season to be jolly.
Ben Harper: Are you totally insane? This is our buisiest time of the year, all the cracked teeth from the nuts, the smashed mouths from all the office party punch ups. Yes, this is the dentist's season to be jolly.
TV Show: My Family
(Ben's anti-Yuletide sentiments)
Susan: It'll be different this year.
Ben: No it won't.
Susan: Then we'll make it different.
Ben: No we won't. It'll be a disaster, like last year. It's traditional.
Susan: No it isn't.
Ben: There you are, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right, look at last year.
Susan: We all had a lovely time.
Ben: Yes, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...
Susan: Ah, yes... lovely voices.
Ben: Before that there was the year of the turkey.
Susan: All right, it needed to stay in for a bit longer.
Ben: Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.
Susan: Oh, the puppy... yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.
Ben: Alright, try these. You have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning, you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds, you're essentially trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast, and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!
Susan: It'll be different this year.
Ben: No it won't.
Susan: Then we'll make it different.
Ben: No we won't. It'll be a disaster, like last year. It's traditional.
Susan: No it isn't.
Ben: There you are, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right, look at last year.
Susan: We all had a lovely time.
Ben: Yes, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...
Susan: Ah, yes... lovely voices.
Ben: Before that there was the year of the turkey.
Susan: All right, it needed to stay in for a bit longer.
Ben: Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.
Susan: Oh, the puppy... yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.
Ben: Alright, try these. You have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning, you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds, you're essentially trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast, and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!
TV Show: My Family
Ben: Let's get one thing straight: who wears the trousers in this house?
Susan: You do, only I get to choose which ones you wear.
Susan: You do, only I get to choose which ones you wear.
TV Show: My Family
Nick: Good afternoon sir, lovely day.
Ben: What in the name of all that's holy are YOU doing here?
Nick: I work here.
Ben: You told me you worked at Quelco.
Nick: I know, you'd never have come here otherwise. This is great, I've dreamt of the day you come walking up to my checkout with a groaning basket.
Ben: Why?
Nick: I just want you to see me make a sucesss of something.
Ben: [Scoffs] A success.
Nick: : Yeah watch this.[holds up biscuits]Chocolate Bourbons!
Man: 49p
Ben: Get on with it Nick.
Nick: Certianly sir. [holds up bin liners] Condoms!
Man: £1.25
Ben: Don't do that again Nick.
Nick: Certainly not, I'm a professional.[holds up jar of coffee] Hemaroid Cream.
Man: £1.80.
Ben: What in the name of all that's holy are YOU doing here?
Nick: I work here.
Ben: You told me you worked at Quelco.
Nick: I know, you'd never have come here otherwise. This is great, I've dreamt of the day you come walking up to my checkout with a groaning basket.
Ben: Why?
Nick: I just want you to see me make a sucesss of something.
Ben: [Scoffs] A success.
Nick: : Yeah watch this.[holds up biscuits]Chocolate Bourbons!
Man: 49p
Ben: Get on with it Nick.
Nick: Certianly sir. [holds up bin liners] Condoms!
Man: £1.25
Ben: Don't do that again Nick.
Nick: Certainly not, I'm a professional.[holds up jar of coffee] Hemaroid Cream.
Man: £1.80.
TV Show: My Family
Ben: And now that you're...well...you know.
Janey: Dad, I'm not gay.
Ben: Gay I know and I want you to know that...
Susan: Hang on. What do you mean you're not gay?
Janey: I'm NOT gay.
Ben: Well that about takes the biscuit doesn't it? How DARE you not be gay. Good GOD! You put us through anger, doubt, confusion, fear, anger...
Sususn: You said anger.
Ben: I was angry twice. Then we finally reach a position of understanding and you go and tell us you're not gay. My own daughter, I feel betrayed.
Janey: Dad, I'm not gay.
Ben: Gay I know and I want you to know that...
Susan: Hang on. What do you mean you're not gay?
Janey: I'm NOT gay.
Ben: Well that about takes the biscuit doesn't it? How DARE you not be gay. Good GOD! You put us through anger, doubt, confusion, fear, anger...
Sususn: You said anger.
Ben: I was angry twice. Then we finally reach a position of understanding and you go and tell us you're not gay. My own daughter, I feel betrayed.
TV Show: My Family
Man: Look. I got three bottles of Orangina for the price of two.
Ben: Wow. Drink yourself into a stupor.
Man: No, not on Orangina. Your thinking of alcoholic drinks.
Ben: Yes I am.
Man: And I got money off bleach and fabric softner.
Ben: Wow. So it's back to your place for the party then is it?
Man: No I'm not having a party. Whatever gave you that idea? Much better value than Quelco up the road.
Ben: Well I wouldn't shop at Quelco.
Man: Really, why's that?
Ben: Well they've got baboons working on the check-outs.
Man: Really, is that legal now?
Ben: Wow. Drink yourself into a stupor.
Man: No, not on Orangina. Your thinking of alcoholic drinks.
Ben: Yes I am.
Man: And I got money off bleach and fabric softner.
Ben: Wow. So it's back to your place for the party then is it?
Man: No I'm not having a party. Whatever gave you that idea? Much better value than Quelco up the road.
Ben: Well I wouldn't shop at Quelco.
Man: Really, why's that?
Ben: Well they've got baboons working on the check-outs.
Man: Really, is that legal now?
TV Show: My Family
[Ben is trying to return tins of tuna that Nick has stolen from work]
Nick: Hey Dad. Back already?
Ben: Shh!
Nick: What's this a new baby? Lets have a look.
Ben: Will you go away.
[Nick disapears and reapears the other side of the aisle]
Nick: So what's its name? [Lifts blanket to reveal tuna]Great, I've caught my first SHOPLIFTER.
Ben: Nick shut up I'm trying to save your arse from jail.
Nick: Likely story sir, If you'd like to come with me to the managers office.
Ben: Nick, please I'm your father.
Nick: Great I'll be the man who shopped his father. They'll love that at Fresh Fare could mean promotion.
[Tins of Tuna fall out of Ben's coat as the manager appears]
Nick: [to the manager] Don't you understand? It's a cry for help.
Nick: Hey Dad. Back already?
Ben: Shh!
Nick: What's this a new baby? Lets have a look.
Ben: Will you go away.
[Nick disapears and reapears the other side of the aisle]
Nick: So what's its name? [Lifts blanket to reveal tuna]Great, I've caught my first SHOPLIFTER.
Ben: Nick shut up I'm trying to save your arse from jail.
Nick: Likely story sir, If you'd like to come with me to the managers office.
Ben: Nick, please I'm your father.
Nick: Great I'll be the man who shopped his father. They'll love that at Fresh Fare could mean promotion.
[Tins of Tuna fall out of Ben's coat as the manager appears]
Nick: [to the manager] Don't you understand? It's a cry for help.
TV Show: My Family