My Name Is Earl Quotes
Randy: I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Pierre: [to Earl, who called his bag a purse] You son of a bitch, it's a satchel.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: I have never been 0 for 2 in one night. 2 for 3, but never 0 for 2... Randy, do you know where babies come from?
Randy: Yeah. From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.
Randy: Yeah. From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Donnie: [singing to the tune of Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker] You’re a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker, don’t you mess around with me.
[Later]
Donnie: Ohh yeah you’re a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away — no, no, no.
[Later]
Donnie: Ohh yeah you’re a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away — no, no, no.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[Earl's complaining to Randy about Joy giving birth to Darnell's baby]
Earl: We could walk round the mall and no one would stare, but now they will. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.
Randy: But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second, if we all paint our faces up to look like clowns all the time then no one would know that Earl Jr. wasn't yours. Can we, Earl? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
Earl: Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns. People'd still stare, and when it rains we'd be screwed.
Earl: We could walk round the mall and no one would stare, but now they will. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.
Randy: But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second, if we all paint our faces up to look like clowns all the time then no one would know that Earl Jr. wasn't yours. Can we, Earl? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
Earl: Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns. People'd still stare, and when it rains we'd be screwed.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: Thank God you woke me. I was having an eight hour dream about a ball of yarn. It was so boring, I tried to go to sleep, but I already was.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: As you can see I have a black son and a white son, but I don't see race so I can't tell which is which.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Little Chubby: Maybe if someone had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, he wouldn't have been such a mean guy and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway.
Earl: Wow, that must've been tough, seeing your mom leave.
Little Chubby: Oh, she didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. Still, it was tough to watch.
Earl: Wow, that must've been tough, seeing your mom leave.
Little Chubby: Oh, she didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. Still, it was tough to watch.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: What do the doctors say?
Little Chubby: I haven't been to a doctor. As my father used to say, "never trust a man who wants to stick his finger in your butt".
Earl: You can't argue with that logic.
Little Chubby: Yeah, well, if he was so smart he wouldn't have ended up with a hole in his head where the vodka should've been.
Little Chubby: I haven't been to a doctor. As my father used to say, "never trust a man who wants to stick his finger in your butt".
Earl: You can't argue with that logic.
Little Chubby: Yeah, well, if he was so smart he wouldn't have ended up with a hole in his head where the vodka should've been.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Glenn: I'm gonna rip out your hair, put it in a jar and, I don't know, mail it to the pope! With a salmon.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]
Cop: What is the problem here, ladies?
Catalina: The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!
Cop: Alright, alright! Now let's hear Perra's side of the story.
Dancer: He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!
Cop: What's your side of the story, sir?
Nescobar: I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.
Cop: Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!
Catalina: You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.
Dancer: [Looks confused]
Catalina: I'm calling you fat.
Dancer: Oh, you should not have explained that!
Nescobar: Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.
Catalina: See? He called you thick!
[The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]
Cop: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.
Club Announcer: [V/O] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!
Cop: What is the problem here, ladies?
Catalina: The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!
Cop: Alright, alright! Now let's hear Perra's side of the story.
Dancer: He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!
Cop: What's your side of the story, sir?
Nescobar: I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.
Cop: Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!
Catalina: You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.
Dancer: [Looks confused]
Catalina: I'm calling you fat.
Dancer: Oh, you should not have explained that!
Nescobar: Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.
Catalina: See? He called you thick!
[The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]
Cop: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.
Club Announcer: [V/O] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[An inmate walks up to Randy]
Inmate: So you actually know Tim Stack? [Randy nods] Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.
Randy: Yeah, he would be funny on fire.
[Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]
Randy: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.
Inmate: Set him on fire watch him burn to death.
Together: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!
Inmate: So you actually know Tim Stack? [Randy nods] Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.
Randy: Yeah, he would be funny on fire.
[Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]
Randy: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.
Inmate: Set him on fire watch him burn to death.
Together: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Doctor: All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: [narrating] Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman.
Randy: Wacca wacca wacca wacca.
Randy: Wacca wacca wacca wacca.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Stuart: If we have to kill anyone I say we kill the hooker.
Patty: Why me?
Stuart: Hookers die everyday. You're living off borrowed time.
Patty: Why me?
Stuart: Hookers die everyday. You're living off borrowed time.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Wally: I don't care if that prize comes with a talking pet monkey. It's not worth turning myself into a pansy!
Earl: [narrating] I knew something was wrong because no self-respecting man would ever turn down a talking monkey.
Earl: [narrating] I knew something was wrong because no self-respecting man would ever turn down a talking monkey.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[title sequence voiceover]
Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things, and then wonders why his life sucks? Well... that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realised I had to change. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.
Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things, and then wonders why his life sucks? Well... that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realised I had to change. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: [to Darnell] When the bar closes let's do it on the pool table like Jodie Foster did in that porno.
TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: Is his sister getting married? Is she? Cause if she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid I swear to God, I will march down to that Club Chubby and wrap her neck around that pole!
TV Show: My Name Is Earl