Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]
Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]: Shut up and keep driving!
Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]: Shut up and keep driving!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]
Tomoko: Kon-chan?
Officer Kondo: Heh? What?
Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!
Tomoko: Kon-chan?
Officer Kondo: Heh? What?
Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!
Joel [as Tomoko]: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]
Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.
Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Professor Bueller: Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...
Joel [as Bueller]: ...will wish he were dead.
Joel [as Bueller]: ...will wish he were dead.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]
Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!
Servo: Wow.
Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]: Enjoy! [N]
Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!
Servo: Wow.
Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]: Enjoy! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel mentions KISS]
Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!
Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]
Crow: It's Rose Kennedy!
Crow: It's Rose Kennedy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]Yo ho, slow the plot down.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
We'll keelhaul the plot, then we'll run her aground.
Give me some time to slow the plot down!
Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
Way hey, slow the plot down!
We'll keelhaul the plot, then we'll run her aground.
Give me some time to slow the plot down!
Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all.
Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]
Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]
Ted Husing: Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?
Servo [as Husing]: For voting twice?
Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!
Ted Husing: Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?
Servo [as Husing]: For voting twice?
Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]
Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
Joel: Hurting the people you know and love?
Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?
Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
Joel: Hurting the people you know and love?
Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...
Crow: ...or call PETA!
Crow: ...or call PETA!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]
Joel: What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys?
Joel: What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]
Crow: How green was my valley?
Joel: Not very.
Crow: How green was my valley?
Joel: Not very.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: This script is like a telephone directory!
Crow: But not as interesting.
Crow: But not as interesting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]
Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!
Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [singing]: If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]
Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.
Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.
Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.
Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kay is discussing college with her family.]
Servo: She consulted Robert McNamara.
Joel: And Ayn Rand!
Servo: She consulted Robert McNamara.
Joel: And Ayn Rand!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Kay sends her application letter.]
Narrator: She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.
Crow: (chuckles maniacly)
Joel: Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.
[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]
Servo [as Kay]: It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!
Joel: It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!
Narrator: She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.
Crow: (chuckles maniacly)
Joel: Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.
[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]
Servo [as Kay]: It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!
Joel: It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kay meets her roommate Louise for the first time.]
Crow [as Louise]: [in a Curly Howard voice] Hi! Howya doin'? We'll have a great time! We're gonna be pals!
Crow [as Louise]: [in a Curly Howard voice] Hi! Howya doin'? We'll have a great time! We're gonna be pals!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At a costume design class]
Crow: Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?
Crow: Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A football game is starting.]
Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"!
[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]
Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!
[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!
Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"!
[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]
Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!
[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]
Servo: Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.
Narrator: ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.
Joel [as Kay]: How do Pop-Tarts work?
Kay: What are you doing to major in, Helen?
. . .
Louise: What are you going to take, Jean?
Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!
. . .
Kay: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.
Joel [as Kay]: Because I can't do.
Servo: Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.
Narrator: ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.
Joel [as Kay]: How do Pop-Tarts work?
Kay: What are you doing to major in, Helen?
. . .
Louise: What are you going to take, Jean?
Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!
. . .
Kay: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.
Joel [as Kay]: Because I can't do.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]
Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!
Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]
Joel [as announcer]Home Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.
Voice Over: What is "Home Economics"?
Crow: Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...
Joel [as announcer]Home Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.
Voice Over: What is "Home Economics"?
Crow: Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000