Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]
Tom: Meg's mad at me.
Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee!
Tom: Meg's mad at me.
Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ken: Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.
Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...
Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]
Crow: Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel: Oh… why?
Crow: Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
Servo: What?!
. . .
Crow: Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel: Oh… why?
Crow: Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
Servo: What?!
. . .
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL bridge, Servo is trapped in anAlien-like cocoon, while Crow fights Timmy.]
Servo: [moaning] Kill me! Kill me! Kil— [normally] Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
. . .
[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]
Servo: Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!
Servo: [moaning] Kill me! Kill me! Kil— [normally] Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
. . .
[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]
Servo: Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]
Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken?
Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…
Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken?
Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]
Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film…
Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film…
Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film…
Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]
Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?!
Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.
Joel, Servo: [singing]For yooooou!
Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?!
Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.
Joel, Servo: [singing]For yooooou!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]
Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles?
Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]
Air Force Officer: Now take off!
Joel: ...to the great White North!
Air Force Officer: Now take off!
Joel: ...to the great White North!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Harold's Girlfriend: Ooh, Harold!
Servo [as Harold]: Ooh, Maude!
Servo [as Harold]: Ooh, Maude!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Susan: What if we turned ourselves in to the police?
Servo [as Stan]: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!
Servo [as Stan]: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]
Crow: [singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally!
Crow: [singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]
Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives?
Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]
Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
. . .
Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
. . .
Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!
...
Dr. Forrester: They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?
TV's Frank: Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?
"Larry Buchanan": (Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)
Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
. . .
Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
. . .
Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!
...
Dr. Forrester: They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?
TV's Frank: Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?
"Larry Buchanan": (Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned.
Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
Joel: Simulated culture like Disneyland.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned.
Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
Joel: Simulated culture like Disneyland.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it!
Crow [as Johnny]: No! I don't wanna go!
Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it!
Crow [as Johnny]: No! I don't wanna go!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.
Servo [as Narrator]: Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares?
Narrator: Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis.
Crow [as Narrator]: Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.
Servo [as Narrator]: Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares?
Narrator: Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis.
Crow [as Narrator]: Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".
Joel: Oh, we've all been there.
Joel: Oh, we've all been there.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]
Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.
Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]
Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.
Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]
Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
Servo: What?
Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes.
Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
Servo: What?
Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]
Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.
Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]
Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
Servo: Neat!
[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.
Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
Servo: Neat!
[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me.
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kolos, played by Richard Kiel, "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]
Servo [as Kolos]: I'm huge.
Servo [as Kolos]: I'm huge.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]
Servo [as the Professor]: Oh-my-God-you're-huge!
Servo [as the Professor]: Oh-my-God-you're-huge!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]
Joel: You got your circus on my ice!
Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
Servo: Two bad things that go worse together!
[Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.]
Joel: You got your circus on my ice!
Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
Servo: Two bad things that go worse together!
[Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: [in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]
Servo: [singing]These two girls, they make quite a pair.
They both come from your worst night-mare.
They will haunt your soul forever,
And now, When you see pink,
You're gonna think,
"We're doomed".
They are agents of Satan...
Joel: [laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom...
Servo: [singing]These two girls, they make quite a pair.
They both come from your worst night-mare.
They will haunt your soul forever,
And now, When you see pink,
You're gonna think,
"We're doomed".
They are agents of Satan...
Joel: [laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000