Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]
Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
. . .
Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
Servo: [nervously chuckling] Uh-huh...
. . .
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!
Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
. . .
Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
Servo: [nervously chuckling] Uh-huh...
. . .
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]
Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.
. . .
Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!
Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.
. . .
Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]
Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them.
Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the film's title]
Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!
. . .
Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad...
Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
Joel: Yeah...
Crow: [sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...
Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!
. . .
Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad...
Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
Joel: Yeah...
Crow: [sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]
Joel: [reading] The Other Th?
Joel: [reading] The Other Th?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]
Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck.
Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]
Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then?
Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help.
Servo: [whining] I was just trying to help.
Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist!
Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then?
Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help.
Servo: [whining] I was just trying to help.
Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]
Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelieveable...
[Tom bursts out into laughter]
Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes?
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise.
Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelieveable...
[Tom bursts out into laughter]
Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes?
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]
Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!
Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
Servo: "Oops".
Narrator: ..."radiation".
Servo: Oh.
Servo: "Oops".
Narrator: ..."radiation".
Servo: Oh.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
Tom Servo: As if we cared.
Narrator: Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
Joel: Oh, the joke's on us!
Crow: Boooooo!
Tom Servo: As if we cared.
Narrator: Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
Joel: Oh, the joke's on us!
Crow: Boooooo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]
Joel: Hey, w-what's wrong?
Servo: Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!
[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]
Joel: Hey, w-what's wrong?
Servo: Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!
[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]
Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.
Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]
Crow: Heeere comes the Devil!
Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown!
Joel: Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?
Crow: Heeere comes the Devil!
Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown!
Joel: Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.
[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]
Crow: And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...
[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]
Crow: And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]
Servo: Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
Joel: Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
Servo: Oops.
Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
. . .
Joel: Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
Servo: How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
Joel: That's better.
Crow: It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.
Servo: Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]
Joel: Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
Servo: That's good.
Joel: No, it really is.
Servo: Whatever, Joel.
. . .
[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]
Joel: See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
[Shot of the crowd cheering]
Crow [as crowd]: We live it when he eats!
Servo: Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
Joel: Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
Servo: Oops.
Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
. . .
Joel: Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
Servo: How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
Joel: That's better.
Crow: It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.
Servo: Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]
Joel: Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
Servo: That's good.
Joel: No, it really is.
Servo: Whatever, Joel.
. . .
[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]
Joel: See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
[Shot of the crowd cheering]
Crow [as crowd]: We live it when he eats!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a trapeze artist swings]
Joel: It's a living!
Crow: Mother, please come home!
Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Joel: Oh, stop it!
Servo: She does! Look!
Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.
Joel: It's a living!
Crow: Mother, please come home!
Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Joel: Oh, stop it!
Servo: She does! Look!
Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]
Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]: Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
Servo: This one's on the rebound.
Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]: Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
Servo: This one's on the rebound.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]
Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
. . .
Crow: Flipped her off.
Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
. . .
Crow: Flipped her off.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]
Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.
Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right.
Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.
Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]
Servo: Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No!
[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]
Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!
Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]
Crow [as Clown]: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.
Servo: Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No!
[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]
Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!
Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]
Crow [as Clown]: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]
Joel [as Narrator]: Hank Kimball's brought in.
Crow [as Hank Kimball]: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...
Joel [as Narrator]: Hank Kimball's brought in.
Crow [as Hank Kimball]: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A clown rings a bell.]
Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook!
[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]
Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]
Crow: KITTIES!
Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook!
[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]
Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]
Crow: KITTIES!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As trapeze artists fly through the air]
Joel: I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
. . .
Joel [as trapeze artist]: Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
Servo: Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
Crow [as trapeze artist]: Party in Susan's dressing room!
Joel: I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
. . .
Joel [as trapeze artist]: Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
Servo: Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
Crow [as trapeze artist]: Party in Susan's dressing room!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the "The End" card]
Joel: Ah, my favorite part of the circus.
Joel: Ah, my favorite part of the circus.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]
Servo [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent]If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...
Crow [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent]I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...
Servo [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent]If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...
Crow [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent]I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]
Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
Crow: Can we see the other parts?
Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!
Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
Crow: Can we see the other parts?
Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]
Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!
Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!
Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!
Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000