Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]
Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.
Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]
Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.
Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]
Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]
Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?"
Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]
Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.
Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]
Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
Crow [as Warren]: A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!
Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
Crow [as Warren]: A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lobo (Tor Johnson) scares away some people during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]
Crow: Tor! Close your mouth before you drown!
Crow: Tor! Close your mouth before you drown!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]
Joel [as Warren]: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business.
Servo [as Warren]: Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.
Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
Joel [as Warren]: But first — martinis!
Mr. Warren: Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.
Crow [as Warren]: 'Cause you've got the most problems.
Joel [as Warren]: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business.
Servo [as Warren]: Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.
Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
Joel [as Warren]: But first — martinis!
Mr. Warren: Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.
Crow [as Warren]: 'Cause you've got the most problems.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]
Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
Crow [as Jimmy]: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that?
Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
Crow [as Jimmy]: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]
Joel: Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter!
Joel: Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]
Joel [as Senator McCarthy?]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?
Joel [as Senator McCarthy?]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]
Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.
Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Michael: Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.
Crow: Maybe it's Brigadoon.
Crow: Maybe it's Brigadoon.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]
Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?
. . .
Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.
Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?
. . .
Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]
Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!
Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]
Crow [as The Master]: What was I thinking?
Joel [as Announcer]: Women who lunch.
Servo [as Announcer]: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue.
. . .
Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
Servo: ...and now, back to We Married Manos!
Crow [as The Master]: What was I thinking?
Joel [as Announcer]: Women who lunch.
Servo [as Announcer]: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue.
. . .
Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
Servo: ...and now, back to We Married Manos!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]
Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes.
Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
. . .
Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
. . .
Joel: You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
. . .
Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
. . .
Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.
Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes.
Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
. . .
Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
. . .
Joel: You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
. . .
Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
. . .
Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
Joel: Is golden!
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]
Joel: [snapping]DO SOMETHING!!! God!
Joel: [snapping]DO SOMETHING!!! God!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]
Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.
Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a driving scene]
Joel: Meanwhile, in Toledo...
Servo: No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
. . .
Crow: This must be a weekly series.
Joel: Meanwhile, in Toledo...
Servo: No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
. . .
Crow: This must be a weekly series.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…
Joel, Crow, Servo: Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]
Crow: She's got a Lady Hemingway! [N]
Crow: She's got a Lady Hemingway! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]
Joel: John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.
Joel: John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins! [N]
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hercules is choking a lion.]
Tom Servo [as lion]: Aww, Herc, I was kidding.
Tom Servo [as lion]: Aww, Herc, I was kidding.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]
Joel [as a cavalry man]: Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!
Joel [as a cavalry man]: Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The titles appear.]
Crow: I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!
[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]
Servo: What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
Joel: Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!
Crow: I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!
[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]
Servo: What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
Joel: Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Nick: Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
Joel [as Kay]: How many ways can I say "no"?!
Kay: Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
Crow [as Kay]: Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
. . .
Nick: I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
Joel [as Nick]: … with a loser like me.
Nick: Where's my racket?
Servo [as Nick]: I should spank myself.
Joel [as Kay]: How many ways can I say "no"?!
Kay: Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
Crow [as Kay]: Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
. . .
Nick: I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
Joel [as Nick]: … with a loser like me.
Nick: Where's my racket?
Servo [as Nick]: I should spank myself.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]
Joel: Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.
Joel: Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000