Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Narrator: How does Jeff get ideas like that?
Servo [as Narrator]: From the voices inside his head.
[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]
Narrator: Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!
Joel: The lunch menu?
Servo [as Narrator]: From the voices inside his head.
[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]
Narrator: Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!
Joel: The lunch menu?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]
Servo: Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.
Servo: Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Narrator]: Had this been an actual date, you would have been instructed where to go.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During one of the many, many girl fights.]
Crow: Beverly Garland's bra! I have seen the Promised Land!
Crow: Beverly Garland's bra! I have seen the Promised Land!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]
Crow: [excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls...
Crow: [excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]
Crow [as someone in the crowd]: Howard Johnson is right!
Crow [as someone in the crowd]: Howard Johnson is right!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]
Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering!
Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]
Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.
Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]
Crow: They look like the Knights Who Say "Ni!"
Crow: They look like the Knights Who Say "Ni!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely Arch Hall, Jr., looks up.]
Crow: Honk if you love Eegah!
Tommy: Hi, Roxie!
Joel [as Tommy]: Sorry about my face!!
Crow: Honk if you love Eegah!
Tommy: Hi, Roxie!
Joel [as Tommy]: Sorry about my face!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a shot of a dress store]:
Crow: It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
Joel [as Announcer]: The Loretta Young Show!
[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]
Crow: It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
Joel [as Announcer]: The Loretta Young Show!
[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]
Crow: Ow!
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Servo: [patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
Joel: I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
Crow: I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!
Servo: I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Or when they 86'd Jarts!
Servo: I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
Crow: Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary
Crow: Ow!
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Servo: [patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
Joel: I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
Crow: I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!
Servo: I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Or when they 86'd Jarts!
Servo: I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
Crow: Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything!
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Dr. Miller: [ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?!
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Dr. Miller: [ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]
Joel: Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.
Joel: Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]
Joel: I figured it out, he looks like the bat from FernGully.
Joel: I figured it out, he looks like the bat from FernGully.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]
Roxie: Um... how do you do?
Crow [as corpse]: I'm really, really dead.
Roxie: Um... how do you do?
Crow [as corpse]: I'm really, really dead.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]
Joel: Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!
Joel: Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]
Joel: Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
Crow: That purse will be the death of him!
Joel: Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
Crow: That purse will be the death of him!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]
Crow [as Eegah]: [singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
Crow and Servo: [in unison]EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
Joel: [singing] I can't fight this feelin'...
Crow [as Eegah]: [singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
Crow and Servo: [in unison]EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
Joel: [singing] I can't fight this feelin'...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]
Crow: Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!
Servo: Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?
Crow [as driver]: Stupid trees! God, I hate them.
Joel: Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.
Crow: Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.
Servo: The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!
Crow: Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!
Servo: Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?
Crow [as driver]: Stupid trees! God, I hate them.
Joel: Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.
Crow: Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.
Servo: The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to theSpeed Racertheme]Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer, go!
. . .
Servo: There's something you don't see every day.
Joel: What's that?
Servo: A farmer with all his limbs!
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer, go!
. . .
Servo: There's something you don't see every day.
Joel: What's that?
Servo: A farmer with all his limbs!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]
Servo: Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin.
Servo: Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]
Narrator: A complicated system of irrigation is used.
Joel: Oh, real complicated.
Narrator: A complicated system of irrigation is used.
Joel: Oh, real complicated.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
Crow: They make it sound so nice!
. . .
[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]
Joel [as Narrator]: A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.
Crow: They make it sound so nice!
. . .
[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]
Joel [as Narrator]: A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: The carrots are washed first.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!
Crow [as Narrator]: They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Some carrots are frozen.
Crow: Some carrots are humiliated publicly.
Crow: Some carrots are humiliated publicly.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...
Crow: Texans.
Crow: Texans.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000