Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]
Narrator: The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.
Narrator: The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]
Joel: Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet?
Joel: Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corportation) logo...]
Servo: Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...
Servo: Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the title sequence]
Servo: [singing] They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...
Servo: [singing] They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During Jimmy's trial...]
Jimmy: Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
Joel [as Jimmy]: ...but I'm Esther Rolle!
Jimmy: But... I accuse my parents!
[Everyone applauds.]
Servo: Yes! We have a title!
Jimmy: Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
Joel [as Jimmy]: ...but I'm Esther Rolle!
Jimmy: But... I accuse my parents!
[Everyone applauds.]
Servo: Yes! We have a title!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Kitty: [singing] Are you happy...
Crow: Define "happy!"
Kitty: ...In your work...
Joel: Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...
Crow: Define "happy!"
Kitty: ...In your work...
Joel: Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]
Kitty: You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
Servo [as Jimmy]: Eighteen, after taxes!
Kitty: You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
Servo [as Jimmy]: Eighteen, after taxes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]
Servo [as Kitty]: If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
Crow: I accuse her hair!
Servo [as Kitty]: If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
Crow: I accuse her hair!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]
Joel: [singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
Crow: [singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
Tom Servo: [singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!
Joel: [singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
Crow: [singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
Tom Servo: [singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]
Joel: All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.
Joel: All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Singing to the opening credits theme]
Servo: The Girl in Lover's Lane...
Crow: With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne!
Servo: The Girl in Lover's Lane...
Crow: With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]
Danny: I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
Bix: That's a good idea.
Servo [as Bix]: You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
Joel [as Danny]: We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
Crow [as Bix]: Shut up, Danny.
Joel [as Danny]: Oh.
Danny: I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
Bix: That's a good idea.
Servo [as Bix]: You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
Joel [as Danny]: We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
Crow [as Bix]: Shut up, Danny.
Joel [as Danny]: Oh.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]
Crow T. Robot: [singing]The 5: 15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
Joel, Servo: [to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
Crow: [singing]Within a matter of day-eeez,
All of our skin will fall off.
Crow T. Robot: [singing]The 5: 15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
Joel, Servo: [to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
Crow: [singing]Within a matter of day-eeez,
All of our skin will fall off.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]
Narrator: Ah, spring!
Crow [as Narrator]: Filthy, shameful spring!
. . .
Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.
Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
Crow: Underpants.
Narrator: ...Love.
Crow: Oh.
Narrator: Ah, spring!
Crow [as Narrator]: Filthy, shameful spring!
. . .
Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.
Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
Crow: Underpants.
Narrator: ...Love.
Crow: Oh.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of slovenly girl.]
Narrator: Look at that hair!
Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!
Narrator: And that blouse!
Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.
. . .
Crow: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
Crow [as young man]: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
Narrator: Look at that hair!
Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!
Narrator: And that blouse!
Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.
. . .
Crow: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
Crow [as young man]: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]
Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—
Servo [as the Narrator]: Is immoral.
Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.
Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—
Servo [as the Narrator]: Is immoral.
Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
Crow: Skin sucks.
Crow: Skin sucks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.
Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.
Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]
Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.
Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.
. . .
Narrator: And you...
Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!
Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
Crow [as Narrator]: And remember—when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.
[As we fade out...]
Joel: KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!
Crow: You're next!
[A few more names appear]
Servo: [sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!
Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.
Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.
. . .
Narrator: And you...
Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!
Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
Crow [as Narrator]: And remember—when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.
[As we fade out...]
Joel: KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!
Crow: You're next!
[A few more names appear]
Servo: [sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Now, is this the real Old West, or the Roy Rogers Old West where they had electricity and cars?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Jonathan: Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!
Crow [as Jonathan]: But enough vernacular...
Crow [as Jonathan]: But enough vernacular...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]
Tom: How did that corral get there?
Crow: They used CorelDraw.
Tom: How did that corral get there?
Crow: They used CorelDraw.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]
Joel [as Taylor]: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.
Joel [as Taylor]: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]
Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.
Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: [Stopping his Brain Scan on TV's Frank and looking at the Camera] Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Doddy period.
TV's Frank: Beverly Garland [growls, but is cut off by another scan]
Dr. Forrester: And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. [turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama.
TV's Frank: Beverly Garland [growls, but is cut off by another scan]
Dr. Forrester: And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. [turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]]
Joel: [As the criminals start moving.]] Ah, cue the horses!
Crow: [Under his breath]] Corman...
Servo: [As the criminals stop] Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?
Joel: [As the criminals start moving.]] Ah, cue the horses!
Crow: [Under his breath]] Corman...
Servo: [As the criminals stop] Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]
Joel: You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
Servo: Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.
Joel: You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
Servo: Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000