Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]
Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Cain: Crazy coming up in here...
Joel [as Cain]: ...in my hallway here.
Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Cain: Crazy coming up in here...
Joel [as Cain]: ...in my hallway here.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Cain: Only the good die young.
Servo: Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.
Servo: Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]
Joel [as Polk]: Draw, er... wait a sec!
[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]
Crow: [As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Tom: Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?
Joel [as Polk]: Draw, er... wait a sec!
[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]
Crow: [As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Tom: Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]
Cain: [drunkenly] You got brown eyes...
Servo [as Cain]: [drunkenly] An' you got a neck.
. . .
Tom [as Cain]: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!
Cain: [drunkenly] You got brown eyes...
Servo [as Cain]: [drunkenly] An' you got a neck.
. . .
Tom [as Cain]: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The character of Mike Nelson has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in Deep 13.]
Dr. Forrester: Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker
Mike Nelson: You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?
Dr. Forrester: Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker
Mike Nelson: You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel — Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]
Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s—
Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s—
Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]
Servo: Ee-gah...
Crow: Shtemlo.
Joel: Watch out for snakes!
Servo [as Announcer]: We'vehidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...
Crow [as Announcer]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please?
Servo: Ee-gah...
Crow: Shtemlo.
Joel: Watch out for snakes!
Servo [as Announcer]: We'vehidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...
Crow [as Announcer]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Servo [as Mitchell]: But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Servo [as Mitchell]: But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]
Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: He's landed just short of the green.
Servo [as Other Golfers]: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!
Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: He's landed just short of the green.
Servo [as Other Golfers]: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A kid on skateboard skates up to Mitchell's car where he's sitting.]
Kid: Hi.
Mitchell: Hi.
Kid: Are you the man from the insurance?
Mitchell: Nope.
Kid: He came last night.
Mitchell: Yeah?
Kid: My mother doesn't like you.
Mitchell: I don't like your mother.
Kid: Why not?
Mitchell: Why not?
Kid: No, why not?
Mitchell: No, why not?
Kid: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Servo: Tonight on Crossfire.
Mitchell: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Kid: I'm not.
Mitchell: Well, I'm not.
Kid: You are.
Mitchell: Buzz off.
Kid: What?
Mitchell: What?
Kid: What did you say?
Mitchell: What you say?
Kid: Did you say something?
Servo: [Frustrated] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mitchell: You say something?
Kid: You said buzz off.
Mitchell: You're lying through your teeth.
Kid: You're lying through your teeth.
Mitchell: Buzz off, huh?
Kid: Buzz off!
Mitchell: Buzz off, kid!!
Kid: Hi.
Mitchell: Hi.
Kid: Are you the man from the insurance?
Mitchell: Nope.
Kid: He came last night.
Mitchell: Yeah?
Kid: My mother doesn't like you.
Mitchell: I don't like your mother.
Kid: Why not?
Mitchell: Why not?
Kid: No, why not?
Mitchell: No, why not?
Kid: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Servo: Tonight on Crossfire.
Mitchell: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Kid: I'm not.
Mitchell: Well, I'm not.
Kid: You are.
Mitchell: Buzz off.
Kid: What?
Mitchell: What?
Kid: What did you say?
Mitchell: What you say?
Kid: Did you say something?
Servo: [Frustrated] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mitchell: You say something?
Kid: You said buzz off.
Mitchell: You're lying through your teeth.
Kid: You're lying through your teeth.
Mitchell: Buzz off, huh?
Kid: Buzz off!
Mitchell: Buzz off, kid!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]
Joel: Baby oil!
Joel, Crow, Servo: BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
Servo: [vomiting noises]
Crow: Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]
Axton: My my my my Mitchell...
Crow: My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!
Joel: Baby oil!
Joel, Crow, Servo: BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
Servo: [vomiting noises]
Crow: Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]
Axton: My my my my Mitchell...
Crow: My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Deaney: How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
Crow [as Mitchell]: Uh, by the quart.
Crow [as Mitchell]: Uh, by the quart.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]
Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]
Servo [as Mitchell]: Why did I do that?
Servo [as Mitchell]: Why did I do that?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]
Joel [as Mitchell]: Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!
Joel [as Mitchell]: Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]
Dr. Forrester: [walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Frank: Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Dr. Forrester: Yeah?
Frank: Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. Forrester: Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT??Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]
Frank: Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Dr. Forrester: Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Frank: Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. Forrester: Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Frank: Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Dr. Forrester: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]
Mike: Can you guys sign my time card?
[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]
Dr. Forrester: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
Mike: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Dr. Forrester: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be wo
Dr. Forrester: [walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Frank: Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Dr. Forrester: Yeah?
Frank: Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. Forrester: Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT??Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]
Frank: Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Dr. Forrester: Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Frank: Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. Forrester: Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Frank: Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Dr. Forrester: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]
Mike: Can you guys sign my time card?
[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]
Dr. Forrester: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
Mike: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Dr. Forrester: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be wo
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the operating room...]
Bill's Father: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
Servo [as Bill's Father]: 'Cuz he got me as his doctor.
Bill's Father: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
Servo [as Bill's Father]: 'Cuz he got me as his doctor.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]
Bill: You have the keys to your car?
[Cut to them driving.]
Crow: The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
Servo [as announcer]: The Long, Long Trailer!
Bill: You have the keys to your car?
[Cut to them driving.]
Crow: The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
Servo [as announcer]: The Long, Long Trailer!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]
Mike: Hey, that was my prom theme!
Servo [as Cortner]: Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]
Crow [as Cortner]: Aughhh! The road is attacking me!
Mike: Hey, that was my prom theme!
Servo [as Cortner]: Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]
Crow [as Cortner]: Aughhh! The road is attacking me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
Mike [as Sports Announcer]: Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
Crow: He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
Mike [as Sports Announcer]: Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
Crow: He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]
Crow [with British accent]: Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!
Crow [with British accent]: Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
Crow [as Cortner]: [pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
Crow [as Cortner]: [pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]
Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?
Servo: No, she's got neck juice!
Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?
Servo: No, she's got neck juice!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]
Crow [as Jan]: Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!
Crow [as Jan]: Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]
Jan: Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Servo: Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!
Jan: Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Servo: Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtack continues the porny sax music.]
Servo [as Radio DJ]: [sultrily] It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.
Servo [as Radio DJ]: [sultrily] It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Inside the college dorm room]
Servo: So... Where's Waldo?
Mike: He's under the bed.
[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]
Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?
Servo: Heh heh heh.
Liz: Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
Mike [as Peg]: Hi, Mom.
Servo: So... Where's Waldo?
Mike: He's under the bed.
[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]
Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?
Servo: Heh heh heh.
Liz: Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
Mike [as Peg]: Hi, Mom.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Peg: I think I'll send a telegram instead.
Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
Mike [as Liz]: Well, I've known her for fifty years…
Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
Mike [as Liz]: Well, I've known her for fifty years…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Liz: Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
Peg: Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
Mike [as Peg]: He's anatomically correct, and everything!
Peg: It's the real thing.
Liz: I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
Servo [as Liz]: ...at the turn of the century.
Peg: Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
Mike [as Peg]: He's anatomically correct, and everything!
Peg: It's the real thing.
Liz: I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
Servo [as Liz]: ...at the turn of the century.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000